Does ‘sexual minority stress’ cause gay men to fear emotional commitment and pursue open relationships?
I worked with a gay male therapy client—let’s call him Jim—who came in for individual therapy because his partner refused couples counseling. He was distressed because he felt “strong-armed” into an open relationship, leaving him with a sense of insecurity and anxiety. I soon realized that one thing this couple didn’t try was having an open, heart-felt communication about their struggles with intimacy and trust.
There have been a number of studies suggesting that many gay male couples who negotiate open relationships report satisfaction and fulfillment. But for some, does the decision to open the relationship reflect mistrust and a fear of intimacy and emotional commitment?
While gay men desire and create meaningful, loving relationships, their traumatic experiences growing up in a heteronormative culture—like homophobia and rejection—lead some to refuse conventions in heterosexual relationships (monogamy, marriage, children, etc.).
Like straight men, gay men are socialized away from intimacy. Expressing a need for intimacy and closeness is often viewed as weak. Sometimes, entering into a relationship with a man comes with worries about their promiscuity—will they cheat?
Gay men not only internalize negative cultural messages about being men—and about what it means to be gay. The fear about vulnerability might partly be due to shaming experiences during early development, such as bullying and harassment for not conforming to gendered expectations.
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Ilan H. Meyer, Ph.D. and other researchers use the term “sexual minority stress” to refer to manifestations of sexual orientation stigma. Gay life often includes a variety of stressful emotions and worries resulting from familial and societal rejection, discrimination, and stigmatization.
Like straight men, gay men are socialized away from intimacy.
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Sexual minority stress begins during youth when boys are learning how to develop relationships. During this development, the template for creating adult relationships is formed.
Many older gay men report that when they came out, they accepted the idea that their future would be a string of sexual encounters without marriage, children, or family. While this is reported less frequently in younger gay men today, some gay men still refuse to consider that they might meet someone and want to have a long term, loving, and exclusive relationship with another man.
Today, families and society are more likely to support straight youth as they undertake sexual and social changes. They are given guidance on how to date, how to initiate and maintain love, and how to heal from rejection. Typically gay adults who struggle significantly with romantic relationships didn’t receive this support.
Gay men also share with women the harms of sexual objectification. Indeed, we can say this of all men given the inevitable media stereotyping of men. What messages are given to gay men in magazines, billboards, social websites like Gay.com, and other advertisements? Being attractive and free sexual beings is well regarded, overshadowing messages of long-term monogamous relationships, family, and interdependence.
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What does the internalization of these messages look like? My client, Jim, is one example. Common psychological symptoms from internalizing negative messages about men and homosexuality are low self-esteem, self-deprecation, depression, anxiety, fear of showing vulnerability, hypermasculinity, difficulty letting go of mistrust, and keeping an emotional distance.
Relationships work if a couple can walk the fine line of closeness and separateness, intimacy and autonomy. Relationships are strengthened by societal recognition and an identity as a couple.
Entering into couple’s therapy, incorporating family and friends into the newly formed system, advocating for marriage, and forming a partnership and family are all examples of ways that the relationship is legitimized. Allowing for the other to maintain a sense of autonomy and individuality requires trust. Affiliation and dependency require comfort with vulnerability, shared decision making, and working to keep the relationship exciting and resilient through disappointments.
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This article isn’t intended to pathologize gay men in open relationships, but to consider if open relationships are a way to minimize or even avoid the need for mutual commitment, vulnerability, intimacy, and emotional closeness. Clearly, many gay men desire meaningful and loving relationships. But monogamy is a deal-breaker for some.
Researchers for The Couples Study recruited 86 gay male couples in long-term open relationships. It included mostly white men aged 33-81 (average age was 51). The researchers, also in an open relationship, believe they have destroyed the myth that opening the relationship is the beginning of the end. Several participants reported that their open relationship honored autonomy, personal freedom, and alleviated the frustration of being with the same person. This was especially endorsed by couples who agreed on an open relationship from the start.
Some couples who opened the relationship at a later time reported struggling with disagreement and tension, knowing how much communication was necessary, understanding the differences in need for sexual freedom and exploration, and uncomfortable feelings. Often, a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy was enacted to deal with insecurities and stress.
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Undoubtedly, some couples in open relationships are fulfilled. Whatever the relationship, good partners are open, honest, and willing to negotiate the terms of their relationship.
The gay male couple will serve their relationship best by healing their insecurities, confronting their fears of failure, challenging societal assumptions about gay couples, and understanding that boredom may be a manifestation of fear and doubt about one’s ability to love. A willingness to be vulnerable while looking at what is behind their view of love and intimacy will likely lead to successful, loving relationships, in whatever form they take.
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Joshua Matacotta, M.A. is a fourth-year doctoral student at the California School of Professional Psychology at Alliant International University in San Francisco, California. His research interests are in the area of health psychology and the examination of factors contributing to the physical and mental health of LGBT individuals.
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More from Sex Week at the Good Men Project:
Amanda Marcotte: What Women Don’t Tell You
Ed Fell: 10 Secrets to Satisfying Sex
Charles Allen: Why I Hate My Giant Dong
Emily Heist Moss: Does Size Matter?
John DeVore: Multiple Inches of Love
Joshua Matacotta: Do Gay Men Fear Intimacy?
Hugo Schwyzer: Mythbusting Bisexual Men
—Photo waitscm/Flickr
Generally I do not read article on blogs, however I would like to say that this write-up very forced me to
check out and do it! Your writing style has been surprised me.
Thanks, very nice article.
Thanks eveyone for sharing.. Was married to a woman for years, divorced, and now in a relationship with a great man… Being new to the Gay World.. understanding, learning, and sorting out the new life Im leading can be a struggle. I have a hard time understanding “Open Relationships”. But, learning some of my dearest friends are in them. So just been reading different articals.. just trying to get a grasp on it all..
I find much wrong with this articles semi-conclusion. One of the challenges ids to defuse the “couples culture”. Yes one reason is money that drives the couples culture and the fears of a declining population(read monied interests) However,it is coming and many older people do not want to be economically forced into relationships that are stifling for many reasons. Also the missing link is the political goals of many in the sexual minority community. The ” I am just like you” political campaign that arouse out of the Aids crises is now part of several other emerging social-sexual themes. One… Read more »
MNy partner and I are celebrating our 30th anniversary this June. Joshua is so right. We started our relationship the month the first HIV cases were reported. For 8 years we were monogamous, then somewhat open, then lived with a third in the 1990s. Now we are virtually monogamous – ridiculous to call us that after our history but haven’t fooled around in ages. We did not deal well with an open relationship. Some of the openness had to do with resentment, and fears (and wishes). When we finally stopped being so open and worked on our relationship (which was… Read more »
Our society has this weird “fusion” idea as part of its “couples culture.” People talk about commitment like you’re supposed to be fused with someone else or be completed by this other person or give control to some kind of collective. Give everything to the two-person hive mind. Total rubbish. If there are people reluctant to “settle down” because they don’t want to lose their individuality, I don’t blame them. “Interdependence” sounds a lot like enslavement to many people, gay or straight or whatever.
Brenda, I hear you. I am, full disclosure: in an open relationship, a marriage no less. My husband an I aren’t married for reasons of codependence, I think it’s that people who aren’t in them find open relationships as queer as, well, my husband and I. Pun intended. We have all of what we want either way, a loving, committed relationship with great communication and even better sex. I was honest about my conviction because it’s just me; I have desires for other men no matter how limited a view of their world I have. It’s pretty straight forward to… Read more »
I have to say that I think the article has several valid points. i don’t think the article is making a simplistic “homophobia keeps gay men from committing” argument. sounds like there are several things going on here. i wonder if more gay kids were supported from the get-go in their ideas and pursuits about love, would they have less baggage coming into their relationships. and, is it that “baggage” that creates unique challenges in their relationships in addition to those common to all of us straight folk. something to wonder about.
My gay brother and his husband (they got married in CA during the window of opportunity in 2008) have been together for 11 years and have an open relationship, and it works really well. Having said that, my brother is an incredibly skilled communicator and honest person, and they talk about EVERYTHING, including others who they sleep with. An open relationship with strong agreements works for them. Also, it works well — for similar reasons — for my best friend and his husband, too. On the other hand, I prefer monogamous relationships for a host of reasons, including many cited… Read more »
It seems like there are several things that need to be disentangled here. Being monogamous, experiencing intimacy, and committing emotionally are not the same things. They are related in some ways, and within some kinds of ideals they may work well together, but they are not interdependent. There are plenty of people in monogamous relationships who are not really experiencing much intimacy, and being non-monogamous does not mean there is no emotional depth in your life. Being sexually exclusive may make intimacy and emotional commitment easier for many people, but people in open relationships can feel intimacy and commitment as… Read more »
It seems like there are several things that need to be disentangled here. Being monogamous, experiencing intimacy, and committing emotionally are not the same things. They are related in some ways, and within some kinds of ideals they may work well together, but they are not totally interdependent. There are plenty of people in monogamous relationships who are not really experiencing much intimacy, and being non-monogamous does not mean there is no emotional depth in your life. Being sexually exclusive may make intimacy and emotional commitment easier for many people, but people in open relationships can feel intimacy and commitment… Read more »
My partner and I (both men) are polyamorous. (See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory )
I don’t think non-monogamy and fears or challenges with emotional and other kinds of other-than-sexual intimacy have any particular or necessary relationship to one another. They are simply different topics and issues.
Those who are capable of great emotional (etc.) intimacy are capable of (and interested in) such intimacy whether they are into exclusivity or not. It’s wrong to assume that those of us who are not monogamous are necessarily fleeing from emotional (etc.) intimacy.
Men who have difficulty with intimacy have difficulty with intimacy. Period.
Although this isn’t something that is necessarily unheard of in gay society, I feel that it is often a stereotype that is perpetuated. There certainly are couples and individuals in the community who prefer the autonomy, but it seems to that the younger gay generation have different expectations that supersede the visceral. Typically, families who have either reconciled their sons’ sexual orientation or are not opposed to the “counter-culture” lifestyle of homosexuality tend to have the same expectations they would have in straight relationships: a long term commitment, someone from a proper family background, a man who brings in the… Read more »