Do I Expect Too Much From My Boyfriend?

Are my dating expectations too high? I’m trying to determine what is reasonable. I pride myself in being independent. But that quality is what got me into trouble with my ex-husband.

I didn’t have high expectations of him.

The result?

He did little for me. Or in his words, “I’m a big boy and you’re a big girl. I don’t ask anything of you and you don’t ask anything of me.” Except he was asking a lot from me.

The other day I passed one of the guys in our building.

“I’m heading to Nashville,” he said.

“Why?”

“My wife doesn’t want to fly right now with so much going on.”

“You’re a good man,” I said.

My comment made him whip his head around to face me directly. He’s a New Yorker so I was prepared for whatever was coming my way. It was going to be a direct hit.

“She’s my wife! Of course, I’m going to drive her if she’s apprehensive about flying right now.”

His words were laced with confusion and frustration.

This is a man who treats his wife extremely well. He’s a man who has told me that I need to raise my expectations. He’s completely exasperated that I am taken back by what he’s willing to do.

What are reasonable expectations in a relationship?

To be fair, I have raised my expectations despite still being shocked by good men.

But it has been an internal battle.

I’m still likely to discourage a man from doing too much for me. I’m not sure why. It is part independence and part old habits die hard.

I was out with my friends from high school a few weeks ago. It’s difficult to get all of us together but on this day six besties are at a brewery. The girls are determined to find me a man.

They’re asking about my high school boyfriend. A few of them are hoping for a rekindled romance. He’s definitely a man who’s confident enough to treat a woman well.

And then they ask about some of my recent dates.

I tell them how great some of the guys are.

The kind of men who insist on doing things for me. The type of men who order food even when I am reluctant to do so, who insist on paying, or keep inquiring what else they can do for me.

Men who take the time to tell me how they feel about me and compliment me. Even when I’m determined to keep something friendly, not romantic.

I share another recent experience with the girls.

“He opened the car door for me,” I said. “I’m not speaking about once. He opened it every single time.”

My friend leaned into me and whispered, “You do know that’s normal, right?”

Do I?

What are reasonable expectations in a marriage?

Not every man opens a car door for their girlfriend or wife.

I wasn’t married to a man who did this. Although I do know women whose husbands open the car door for them. Despite being married for decades.

My husband did typically open other doors for me.

But the car door? It seemed like a bar that was set a little too high, right? Should your boyfriend or husband have to do this for you more often than not?

Or am I focusing on the wrong thing?

Maybe it’s less about the act and more about the consciousness.

A man who is still conscious of the girl he fell in love with. A man who hasn’t let life become routine. A man who believes this isn’t an obligation but an act of love.

It reminds me of my ex-husband’s aunt and uncle.

I adored them.

We lived near them for the first ten years that we were married. They became like another mother and father to me. They were such a beautiful example of love.

Every night Uncle Tom greeted Aunt Rita the same way.

He would walk through the front door and light up when he saw me. “I’ll be right back,” he would say. He would make his way through the house to ‘his bride’ as he called her.

He would kiss her hello.

And then he would make his way back to greet me.

I loved witnessing the love between them. They treated each other with great respect. They were like teenagers in love. They still held hands. They were still silly and laughed with one another.

They still valued each other.

They never lost the nuances that accompanied their first days together.

And they did not have an easy life.

One would never know it because they lived with joy and grace. Aunt Rita was pregnant nine times. She was able to deliver only five of those babies. Two were lost within hours, or days of their birth.

They had three children who successfully made it to term. Tragically, their four-year-old son was hit by a car. Nine pregnancies and two children.

If any marriage, or relationship was challenged it was theirs. But they never divided. They never let the routine ugliness that challenges some of our marriages challenge theirs.

Are my dating expectations too high?

I’m keeping my dating expectations high despite getting in my own way.

Why?

Because it is less about the ‘act’ and more about the ‘consciousness.’

My friend who chose to drive his wife to Nashville was conscious of her needs and worries. He didn’t make her defend herself. He didn’t ridicule her for being apprehensive about flying.

He was respectful.

Because respect isn’t telling someone how to think or what to do. Respect is saying, ‘because this is important to you, it is important to me.’

My dating expectations are about consciousness and respect.

If those those two things are present then ‘the acts’ follow.

They are two things my marriage lacked.

I remember a guy that I used to see. He asked me what my plans were for the following day. I told him I had a hair appointment and I needed to get my car back from my son.

He discouraged me from getting my car back.

“Don’t do that,” he said. “I’ll take you to your hair appointment?”

I didn’t let him. He didn’t know this, or at least I don’t think I communicated it to him but I was shocked. I was in disbelief.

I had one monumental thought.

“You want to take me to my hair appointment? You have a hugely busy day tomorrow, even busier than a normal day. You’re willing to interrupt your work day to do something for me??!! My ex-husband wouldn’t even pick me up from the hospital under anesthesia, and almost didn’t when our second son was born. He always claimed he was a busy man.”

Are my dating expectations too high? Do I expect too much from a boyfriend? No. I expect consciousness and respect. I may not have married a man like that.

But I do plan on choosing a man like that this time around.

I know they exist.

I dated men like that before I met my husband. I dated confident men. The kind of men who don’t battle a woman but who get joy out of treating a woman well.

And I’ve met men like that while dating after divorce.

I just haven’t met the man who matches my heart.

Car doors and drives to Nashville may be above the norm. But I was married to someone below the norm. And I’m okay with the man I fall for having high expectations of me.

Because consciousness and respect naturally raise the bar…

For both men and women.