—
I have a bridesmaid/wedding guest etiquette question for you. I live in Australia, a country where most people living in the larger cities stay in these cities. It isn’t common for people to move interstate as there’s no need. I, however, was given a great opportunity to move, so I did. And I’m at the time in life where I have many weddings to get to, most of which are back in my home state. My question is two parts:
1. If I’m traveling for a wedding, the cost is a minimum $400 USD (travel costs only), should I still be giving a gift? Generally, at weddings here only money is requested – there’s no registry with gift options at a lower price point.
2. I am a bridesmaid in a wedding of a good friend, where I am paying for a new dress (very relaxed rules on style, so could I wear it again), paying $400 USD for flights to the bachelorette party, paying around $100 USD for the bachelorette activities, and then paying $800 for myself and my partner to go to the wedding as well.
I don’t know if I’m being an asshole thinking I shouldn’t be expected to also give a monetary gift? A lot of people say well if it’s a good friend, then I should, but I’m struggling to agree.
Some real world, no bullshit advice is what I’m after. If it were I, I would tell anyone traveling to not even think about giving me a gift, but not everyone would have the same sentiment. — Going Broke Going to Weddings
It would be poor etiquette to give no gift to a wedding you attend, particularly when you’re close friends with the couple and you’re bringing a guest. It’s not like you’re going to destination weddings where your travel cost is a burden the couple has factored into their planning. You moved from your hometown — travel costs are a burden you’re responsible for. That said, no one wants you to go broke attending weddings, so don’t spend more than you can comfortably afford. That may mean skipping the bachelorette party, not bringing your partner to the wedding with you, wearing something you already own (especially if “rules on style” are so relaxed) or borrowing something from a friend or shopping consignment. And it may mean that, instead of giving a gift of cash, you give something with less monetary value but more sentimental value: a framed photo of the couple that you took; something handmade; a favorite poem in a nice frame and dedicated to the couple. Get creative!
Showing up is the most important thing you can do as and for a friend, and your efforts should be appreciated. But a token gift also serves to symbolize your affection for the recipient and shouldn’t be overlooked.
I met this guy, “Greg,” at a conference. My friend actually noticed him first and had a slight crush on him (but she also had an interest in almost all the guys there). I had very little interaction with him over the weekend-long event. The one occurrence I remember was his getting up from the seat next to me and saying he would be back when, instead, he just moved a few seats down. I thought that was odd but didn’t look too much into it. After the conference, he found me on social media, and we began to write to each other. We had been talking for no longer than a week and he confessed his love for me. I was not anticipating that. I promptly told him I was sorry but I didn’t feel the same, and he got very upset and was very rude to me. The next day he apologized and asked me to dinner, but I declined.
After that, we didn’t talk for several months, but then I saw him at another conference. We were in a lot of the same places during the conference and had very awkward and tense interactions. After the conference, he wrote to me and asked if I held any bitterness towards him. I, of course, said I did not. He then asked for my number. We were writing every single day for long periods of time, talking about secrets from our pasts and hopes for our futures. We also made several jokes. I began to develop feelings for him and turned down other guys who pursued me because the only person I cared to be with at that point was him.
We talked every day for about nine months, and then all of a sudden it started dwindling. I asked him what was going on, and he said he just needed some space. So I gave it to him. I waited two months and then shot him a message. He said, “I’m fine. I just don’t think we should talk anymore.” I had no idea why. Then I go to the same conference we originally met at and of course, he is there. He doesn’t talk to me the entire time until the last day when I pull him aside and simply ask, “What happened?” He said a lot of people were telling him not to talk to a girl who lives a few hours away — that I was distracting him. I just said okay and walked away. Honestly, I couldn’t look at him anymore.
A week ago I saw him at another event and we were able to casually talk. It was really nice. It also made me wonder if he ever knew that I had begun to reciprocate his feelings towards me. I thought about asking him for coffee. Is that a wise decision? — What Happened?
No, it’s a really, really bad decision. Almost as bad as carrying on a nine-month-long texting relationship with a guy who professed his love for you after a week of online communication and then was rude to you when you said you didn’t feel the same way. Have some self-respect, woman!
Do you want to know why he suddenly disappeared after nine months of talking every day? He has a wife or girlfriend who found your texts. THAT is who told him to stop talking to you and that you were a “distraction.” This guy is a loser, a moron, and a cheater, and you only have yourself to blame for being caught in his web of dishonesty. You ignored so many giants waving red flags that I don’t know what I could say to make you see the light. The light was shining brightly in your face, and you turned a blind eye and then asked if it was a wise decision to ask him for coffee. A wise decision. As if I weren’t already weeping for humanity…
—
Originally published on Dear Wendy and is republished on Medium.
—
Photo credit: Unsplash
