Do Soulmates Exist?

By the end of this year, the world population is expected to reach 8 billion people. In a world of 8 billion people, is there really the “one” for us? Do soulmates exist?

Growing up as a hopeless romantic with sappy Korean dramas, I used to think that there is the “one” for us: someone who sweeps you off your feet and the kind of fairy-tale love that always ends with a “too-good-to-be-true” happy ending. While I am still a romantic who appreciates romantic gestures, I do not consider myself hopeless anymore.

Does this notion of a soulmate exist? According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, a soul mate is “a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament.” Have you ever met someone who gets you and both of you get along really easily? You may even share the same interests, hobbies, values, etc.

Destiny (ming yuan). The Chinese translation for destiny is ming yuan(命運). Ming (命) refers to the unknown forces that determine our lives. Yun (運) refers to luck, chance, or serendipity in bringing a change to our lives. Together, 命運 is a concept based on predeterminism.

Yuan fen (緣份). Translated to “fate to stay together”: yuan fen (緣份 )is composed of two Chinese characters: (緣) is the “fate to meet” while fen(份) is the right to stay together. Similar to destiny, yuan fen is also derived from concepts of predeterminism. When we meet someone with whom we share a natural affinity at a certain moment in time, we ascribe those feelings of close affinity to strong yuan fen. On the other hand, if we have a weak yuan fen with a person, then we will never be able to meet up no matter how hard we try.

How does the idea of soulmates relate to destiny and yuan fen? People who believe in soulmates ascribe to destiny beliefs. We believe that we are destined to be with a specific person who can fulfill all of our needs. When we have not found that specific person who can fulfill all of our needs yet, then we can say that our encounters with others must have weak yuan fen. The lack of destiny and yuan fen means that we are not “meant to be.”

There are several problems with the conception of a soulmate.

Firstly, subscribing to this idea of “the one” for us implies that we have failed if we end up not finding “the one.” Further, hypothetically speaking, even if we do find “the one,” what will happen when he/she passes away earlier or gets into an accident? While I do not hope for this kind of misfortune, if it does happen, does that mean that we will never fall in love again?

Secondly, the idea of “finding” someone who can perfectly fit and meet all of our needs suggests that we are on the quest for someone to complete us rather than working on ourselves and finding someone to match us. Entering relationships with a deficit-based mindset of needing someone to complete us, rather than finding someone who can better we results in a toxic cycle of never feeling like we’re good enough for both ourselves and our partners.

Lastly, this notion of a soulmate assumes that we have done the difficult work once we have “found” our soulmate. On the contrary, whether we end up finding our soulmate or not, a sustainable, healthy love takes mutual effort, lots of work, and communication. Rather than “finding” our soulmate, we should shift the rhetoric to “choosing our soulmate.” Love is a choice that requires effort from both sides to communicate, develop trust, and respect, and promote self-growth for one another.

“Love is the will to nurture our own and another’s spiritual growth”

Bell Hooks, All about love

Soul friends? On the other hand, we should expand on this notion of a soulmate to include non-romantic relationships. Healthy friendships, for example, can be a beautiful way of practicing and receiving love in a caring, non-romantic way. When two people with similar energies come together to give and receive love in a platonic way, then both parties can foster self-growth and deepen the connection between one another.

Instead of treating our relationships with a one-all end-all approach of a soulmate, I believe in the idea of possibilities: soulmates. In this world of 8 billion people, there are multiple soulmates or soul-friends who will enter and touch our lives in different ways. Rather than handing over our lives to predetermined forces of destiny and yuan fen, it is important to take control of the present and seize opportunities for deepened connections and relationships.

“When there is love, there is life” -Mahatma Gandhi

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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