Do We Ever Lose in Relationships?

Do you do this too? After the end of a breakup, do you go through every scenario in your head to find where things went wrong and what you could have done differently?

I think you do.

I do too.

I take it too far though. I look for where things went wrong and what I could have done to change the outcome, then once I resolve this in my head, I feel sad. Sad because it feels like I lost my partner as I didn’t see the situation clearly at that moment and behaved the way I behaved. With the help of the heartache, I feel like I lost them. The regret of not knowing better or not doing better eats me alive. Like a cherry on top, the regret of figuring things out late enriches my breakup days. Don’t get me wrong, it is not like I do anything bad, it is more like, ‘oh I should have laughed at his stupid joke’ or ‘oh I should have left early that night so I wouldn’t be so available’. The little things that I did, make me feel like I am the reason for the breakup and as result, I lost them.

But did I though?

Regardless of how a relationship ends and what causes it, do we ever lose? I never had any relationship with anyone where after all was said and done, I felt like I lost them. Obviously, when we are going through a breakup and dealing with painful emotions, we feel as though we lost something. The pain of the breakup clouds our judgment and, even though, we know we long for the relationship that is lost, we confuse it with that person.

When all is said and done and the coulda woulda shoulda phase sneaks in we seek the good times. Completely normal yet agonizing. Though when all the stages of the break up settle and you are done with it, do you think, oh I lost him?

What is more eye-opening is when your next relationship starts, it is always better than the previous one. I’m not saying the next one will be the love of your life, but it will be better. Sometimes the guy will be much cuter, or he will come in with less baggage, maybe he’ll treat you better than the last one. He may not have it all for you, he may not even choose to stick around for a long time, but he will be better than the last one.

See where am I going with this? If all our new relationships, regardless of how they end or how long they last, are better than the previous one, do we ever lose in relationships?

I don’t think so. When I look at all the men I dated and all the ones I had a relationship-like dynamic with, I can see how gradually they have gotten better. The guy who I dated last year was one of God’s greatest works on earth. I mean God literally took his time when my guy was created. His gorgeous look was off the charts, he had a great job, spoke 5 languages, and had a cheeky sense of humor. He broke my heart royally and after we were done, I clearly went through the ‘oh I lost him’ phase. I also thought because he was gorgeous, that I could never find someone like him again. The next guy I dated though, was hands down the best man to come into my life and he was gorgeous too. He wasn’t Mr.Adonis but he was really good-looking and treated me right. In the end, he left a big scar, but my hypothesis proved itself, I didn’t really lose anything.

Am I right?

Or wrong again?

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With much love,

April Moons.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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