TLDR: Yes, of course, there are women who date for free meals. In the same way, some men use women for sex. Some men and women are dangerously duplicitous in their nature. But there are few and far between. Men and women have used each other for centuries; it’s not good. But it’s not new information. In the era of social media influencers, where appearances often trump reality, duplicitous dating tactics are like heavily filtered photos: a distorted representation of the true picture.
There you go.
You can go bitch and moan in the comments now instead of reading the actual article, as I know most of you dingbats like to do.
An article that unfortunately came up in my feed presented a perspective that men are growing angrier due to the changing dating landscape, and they assume most women are using them for a free meal. Before you, “internet scholars,” say, “Well, just block them or read something else,”
No.
Unlike a lot of you who get upset when your sensitive lil proclivities are offended, I like reading articles that go against my ideological framework just in case they make a good point; I can always be swayed, and I’m not stuck in a cave. Life is full of a lot of shades of gray. Listening to all sides of a story will get you closer to the truth.
The article mentioned that by virtue of being choosier and more empowered, they don’t need to get free meals and that men use that as an excuse to barter for sex. Let’s break down this social conundrum better.
1. Are Women Truly Choosier?
Research indicates that while women do tend to be selective in choosing partners, this selectivity is often rooted in evolutionary biology and societal conditioning rather than a newfound sense of women suddenly becoming choosier.
Newsflash.
Women have always been choosier. Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.
I personally think it’s a feminine right they all deserve cause one bad choice with a shitty man can fuck your whole life up, and I know any woman reading this knows exactly what I mean.
Studies on mate selection reflect that women’s choosiness can be attributed to a variety of factors, including, but not limited to, biological instincts for finding a suitable mate for offspring. They want the best of the best! They always have. Sometimes, being winded and dined is a display to some women that you’re financially able to provide. But these days, smart men wait for the 3rd or 4th date till they know they have some kind of emotional reciprocity from women.
2. Do men really feel like they’re under attack?
The feeling that men are under attack is not necessarily a reflection of today’s reality but rather a perception shaped by a lot of societal factors. Psychologically, when individuals, in this case, men, face continuous changes in societal norms, especially around gender roles, it can lead to a sense of discomfort or perceived criticism.
Here are some small examples :
- Workplace Gender Dynamics — In many sectors, there’s a growing emphasis on gender equality and diversity. This positive change can sometimes be misperceived by some men as a threat to their traditional roles or job security. For example, initiatives like gender quotas in corporate leadership or STEM fields aim to correct historical imbalances but may lead to some men feeling that their opportunities are being unfairly limited. It can come across as equality of outcomes rather than equality of opportunity. These concerns they have are never really addressed. They are simply ignored or, worse, made fun of. What happens when people feel ignored?
- Changing Family Roles — Traditional family structures are evolving, with more men taking on roles like stay-at-home dads or primary caregivers. This shift challenges long-standing notions of masculinity tied to being the primary breadwinner. Some men might feel criticized or undervalued in their new roles due to societal stereotypes that still favor traditional male roles. Too weak if they’re okay having a modest salary job that’s fairly average or too “dominant” egotistical if they want to make the most money and provide for their family, or not a real man if they’re not that ambitious they simply want to get by. It can come across as if there’s no middle ground.
- Social Media and Popular Culture — Fucking social media, man. The portrayal of male characters in media and the posts on social platforms often paint men in a negative light. For instance, terms like “toxic masculinity” are often used to address problematic behaviors but can be misconstrued as labeling all masculine traits or men in general as problematic and are rarely delved into with respect to causation, socio-economic background, religious upbringing, etc. This is why so many men feel like their gender is under constant scrutiny or attack. We don’t want women to be victims of sexual assault; we don’t wish women to be harassed; we want women to have the exact same equity as everyone else. We’re with you! But most men ain’t fucking with the “all men do this.” We’ll never rock with those paradigms, no matter what reasoning you give us. Genders are not fucking monoliths. Can you troglodytes get that through your thick skulls? A single leaf does not indicate the entire autumn. Hell, 100,000 leaves do not define autumn. Negative assumptions have been and will always be the root of all disappointments. That’s why so many angry writers sound bitter and jaded cause they simply assume the worst.
Let’s keep it 100 here; this doesn’t imply an attack but rather a shift in societal dynamics that requires adaptation and understanding from all parties involved.
ALL PARTIES INVOLVED.
Read that shit again.
The whole “men do better” argument is as stale as a 2-year-old donut; stop it. I challenge you to expand that lovely cerebral cortex of yours and think bigger.
3. The Role of Media and Cultural Narratives
Media portrayals often influence perceptions about gender roles in dating. The depiction of men as immature or irresponsible in popular media does contribute to a skewed perception; a lot of women believe this, so media outlets double down to boost their engagement and line their pockets.
However, these representations are rarely accurate reflections of reality and often cater to woefully dated stereotypical narratives that should be put in a fucking museum. They should give a diverse and accurate portrayal of men’s experiences. But it seems like they only cater to diverse experiences when it comes to women.
4. Dating Economics Beyond Dinner Dates
The idea that women go on dates for free meals oversimplifies the complex dynamics of dating; again, it happens. But focusing on that point misses so many nuances. In reality, dating is a multi-faceted interaction where both men and women take risks and invest — not just financially but emotionally and in terms of time and effort. If a woman were a true feminist like most claim they are, they would never accept a patriarchal tradition of dating in the first place, right?
They wouldn’t allow:
A. Men as Initiators– Men are expected to make the first move in asking someone out, initiating contact, or proposing marriage.
B. Paying for Dates — It’s a long-standing tradition that men are responsible for covering the expenses of a date.
C. Family Introductions and Approval — In many cultures, men have been expected to seek approval from the woman’s family, especially when the relationship becomes serious and is heading toward marriage.
D. Marriage Proposals — The tradition of men proposing marriage to women, often with grand gestures and the presentation of an engagement ring. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve read or heard of a woman doing this with her man.
E. Defining the Relationship’s Future — Men are often expected to be the ones who decide when to define the relationship, move it to the next level, or talk about future plans. He’s expected to “step up” and do this.
f. Archaic Courtship Rituals — Various courtship rituals across cultures have placed men in the role of active pursuer.
But I haven’t heard a lot of women protesting many of these from A-F. Sure, some do. But I challenge any woman to put her money where her mouth is and do everything from A to F instead of it being the man. Or better yet, have a mutual experience from A-F instead of the expectation of the man to do it. When it comes to dating equity, the scale tips not towards the one who takes the most but towards the one who shares the most. Equal footing in dating challenges traditional scripts, revealing society’s hidden biases. True change begins when dinner dates transform from transactions to shared experiences.
Now look, let’s not get it twisted, though. I will stand by and maintain that women’s concerns about safety and the implications of sexual relationships are legitimate and should not be minimized to a transactional view of dinner dates. But we gotta stop adhering to point A-F if we REALLY want those to change. But society will never be honest with themselves about what they really want. Do you actually want true equality!? Prove it. Go halves on a first dinner date and insist you do. I dare you.
5. Understanding Consent and Mutual Respect
The concept of women being the “gatekeepers” of sex is another annoyingly outdated notion that fails to recognize the importance of mutual consent and respect in any sexual relationship.
MUTUAL CONSENT.
FFS please move beyond this archaic view and understand that healthy sexual relationships are based on mutual desire, respect, and consent, irrespective of who initiates the interaction. Read that again.
6. The Male Identity is Evolving.
And thank god it is. We have a lot of exciting internal work to do. While some may perceive this as a loss of traditional power, it can also be viewed as an opportunity for growth and a deeper understanding of relationships. A chance to set yourself apart and stand up and be counted. Engage in self-reflection and dialogue, exploring new models of masculinity that align with contemporary values of equality and mutual respect. Rejecting old masculinity isn’t losing identity; it’s a bold rebellion against outdated norms and a declaration of war against antiquated values. Ultimately, what works for you?
7. Open Dialogue and Understanding
I don’t care how angry or frustrated you are. It’s time for men and women to GROW THE FUCK UP.
Stop arguing and playing stupid gender war games on social media.
The path to improving the dating landscape lies in open, honest, and empathetic dialogue between all genders. Understanding and acknowledging each other’s challenges and experiences can lead to healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Yet some of you “hate merchants” are too content with peddling the same “gender wars” and “us against them” narrative. Dating can be like an arithmetic scenario; subtracting biases adds to understanding, and dividing perspectives multiplies connections.
Jesus, are none of you bored of gender war bullshit?
For real?
Approach any conversation with a willingness to listen and learn rather than jumping to conclusions or casting blame.
The changing dynamics in dating call for a more thoughtful and informed approach. By understanding the complexities of modern relationships and acknowledging the valid concerns and experiences of all parties involved, we can foster a dating culture that is respectful, enjoyable, and fulfilling for everyone. Wisdom lies not in clinging to old maps, but in navigating new terrains with an open heart and mind. You’ll get where you want to go far quicker. The art of modern dating is less about the conquest and more about the journey of mutual understanding and discovery. Know this.
Know peace.
I would wish you luck! But you don’t need it!
If you like this article, check out my book all about first dates: https://www.amazon.com/First-Date-Fix-great-first-ebook/dp/B09RWH5Q6Y/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3R5147W5EO65N&keywords=the+first+date+fix&qid=1648679254&sprefix=the+first+date+fix%2Caps%2C347&sr=8-1
Want to hear more millennial dating pieces to get your dating up to your standards? Feel free to stalk my social media IG, Pinterest, TikTok, and Youtube.
Thanks for reading!
T.H.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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