Some women hold onto their exes’ names out of spite. Seriously?! Isn’t that a bit like cutting off your nose? I found this little tidbit as I was googling for a story I just wrote Changing Back to Your Maiden Name.
I’m not sure whose nose would be lost in that battle.
Before you guys get excited and curse your ex-wives. I knew she was rotten. I knew she had an agenda. I’m gonna have to burst your bubble. This surname coveting biotch is a rarity.
I’ll share the true facts below.
First, I’d like to know how men feel about surrendering their names?
Does it feel like you’ve relinquished a piece of yourself? Could you care less? Does it aggravate you? Has it never crossed your mind? Are you happy your children enjoy this emotional continuity?
Regardless of your answer, legally you are outta luck.
There are zero laws regarding this matrimonial monogram. You can’t force your ex-wife to revert back to her maiden name. The most you can do is ask nicely.
A little pretty please with sugar on top.
But who are we kidding? Divorcing spouses don’t play nice.
Okay, I’m being cynical. I can’t brand an entire community because of one guy. Even if I’d like to.
But I can advise the skeptical and scorned. My brothers and sisters in combat. If you feel strongly about this discuss it during your divorce. There may be a way (give and take) to ask your ex if she is willing to change her name.
Who knows?
It may become a win-win. If a person surrenders something in exchange for something else and it is written into the agreement. I’ll trade one Range Rover for a vowel. The beach house for a letter. Or if you’re lucky the entire name. A person can dream.
Just a thought.
But be fair.
Because the following are the facts and the first involves your kids.
Women and children:
Women hold onto their ex-husband’s name primarily for their children. I can attest to this. I was in no hurry and this was my primary reason. You want your kids to feel connected especially in divorce. It’s primal for a mother. I’m considering reverting to my maiden name now that my boys are older. There is nothing wrong with women making a choice to do it sooner.
Women and professional careers:
Women hold onto their signature history for professional reasons. They have spent years forging a career that knows them by one name. This is a practical decision based on finances, reputation, and independence.
Women connect with the name:
Women connect to a name that became their own. This is about identity. The duration of a marriage can make a woman associate with the surname of her ex. It feels like who she is regardless of divorce.
Women are friends with their spouses:
Women are still friends with their exes. I know, shocking. I’d like to meet some of these unicorns. But it happens. They associate no negativity with the last name of their former love.
Women are complacent:
Women are complacent for a variety of reasons. Maybe the divorce wasn’t terrible. Maybe they just don’t care. Maybe they don’t feel like an expired moniker defines them in any way.
Women’s logistical reasons:
Women have logistical reasons to resist a name change. It’s a cumbersome process if she did not request it during the divorce with her attorney. Additionally, there could be years of paperwork and other documents and for continuity, she chooses to retain her married name.
So guys, there you have it.
The reasons non-spiteful gals place their takeout orders in your name. Believe me, when I say, a lot of us don’t want to. I’m leading the pack. I wish I had done it sooner.
I want my next Uber Eats delivered to Colleen Sheehy, not Colleen Orme.
But my babies came first, then I had to think professionally, and on and on. Until my world felt less and less about him, making the name feel less and less like me.
Shedding a signature is a full circle moment.
One that can take years.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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