I met Victor on New Year’s Eve in 2020. He’s a DJ whose day job consists of him being a worker at the bodega up the block from my apartment. The one I wrote about it in this little humor piece:
About their resident cat, Smokey.
I was a month fresh off the brutal discard I shared with you in:
I hadn’t been to this store in years, once I went to college in the city. New Year’s Eve was my first night back, that’s how I encountered Vic.
I was attracted to him in an unnatural way. It was as if I knew I was supposed to meet him. I know this feeling, it’s the feeling of the beginning of a major life lesson.
This lesson was designed to introduce me to the type of narcissist that could easily fly under the radar unless you look for this specific technique in their playbook.
This Was The First Mask Slip
Soon after we met,
I came in having a really tough day and was struggling not to cry while waiting for him to bag up my items. Well, I couldn’t hold it and the tears started rolling when we suddenly made eye contact.
I never forgot what Victor did next.
Because it was the first time his mask slipped, and I knew something was wrong with him. He looked me right in the eye, with no emotion,
And —
- said nothing
- handed me my bag, and
- told me to “take care”
I never forgot this response.
It was disturbing because of how inhumane it felt to be on the receiving end of it. But as time gradually passed other red flags began to appear.
And his coldness would make sense much later.
We gradually spoke more and more when I’d come in
In these conversations he’d boast about himself in a way I would’ve mistaken for confidence or an acute sense of self-awareness.
If it weren’t for the fact that he found it difficult to answer this one telltale question I usually ask to vet a narcissist,
As explained in:
I asked Victor —
What are your flaws?
Like many narcissists to who I’ve asked this question, he had to think about it… for a while, before finally settling on—
“Everybody has flaws. The man I am today, I would have to say… I like who I am right now. The man I am and the life I live, at this moment, I wouldn’t change a thing.”
As his final answer.
He tried to use the “everybody has flaws” line to deflect.
(Yes, everybody does — but what are yours?)
He also used the last part of his response to evade whatever flaws he had while promoting this ambiguous sense of self-growth — but he never answered my question.
Typical.
But there was something else he was doing to me this whole time that I wasn’t picking up on until this next incident took place.
Only then did I start to realize he was devaluing from the very start. And doing it in the most methodical way ever.
It Happened Early This Summer
Remember this story?
The one where I told you my ex hated my brown lipstick and threw it out the window of his car on the highway?
Well, for some reason narcissists HATE me in this color lipstick and I think it truly compliments my face and complexion.
As a black woman, it can be very hard to find the right shade that goes with my skin tone. Once I found it at 23, I never looked back.
And every narcissistic man I have ever encountered hates it and has something unsolicited to say about it — including Victor.
A couple of months ago I came in, per usual, and got a wine cooler. When I got to the counter he loudly asked —
Flaka, what’s that you got on your lips?
I told him, “lipstick.”
To which he then said —
I wanna see you in lighter colors. That doesn’t go well with your skin.
(Sigh. I hate when men do this. I really do.)
This was unsolicited, unprovoked, and done in front of other customers.
(Because of my past experience, this was a personal red flag.)
He also asked why my neck was glistening. I told him it was because of this perfume I had on, to which he said —
“Oh, I can’t smell it. Allergies.”
Yea, I knew what type of narcissist I was dealing with now.
He was the type who would only make a remark about my appearance to devalue me; never to show appreciation. This was the day I finally paid attention to the one thing I’d been waving off for the past year and a half,
He never complimented me.
A Discreet Devaluation Technique
Victor never complimented me on my appearance.
In fact, the only compliment he ever gave me was how much a “good” person I am and how “nice” I was.
Sound familiar?
Both compliments are red flags because they focus on my kindness, which narcissists notoriously take as a great sign of weakness.
His saying this to me was the equivalent of openly indicating that he saw me as nothing more than a target, a potential source of supply.
However, he never gave any verbal appreciation for the physical aspects of my existence. On the rare occasion, he actually showed some type of interest (including sexual interest),
He would —
- hug me (just to hold me); to say “hello”
- hug me (just to pick me up); as a “greeting”
- initiate conversation with heavy eye contact
But he never ever offered one single compliment.
Not a —
“you look good today”
Or a simple —
“you look nice”
Nothing.
On days I came in looking and feeling my best, he paid less attention to me and it was easy to notice because it was like he was going out of his way to be distant. He was putting effort into not acknowledging me.
Here’s when I found out my theory was correct.
It Happened in October
A day after getting my nails and eyebrows done for my birthday. I felt beautiful and independent because now that I make my own money I can afford to do nice little things for myself,
Whenever I want.
I went to pick up a gallon of water for my mom and he actually opened our conversation with, “you got your nails done?”.
They were visibly done but he’d also run into me as I was walking into the nail salon a day prior. When I said “yea,” he said nothing else on the topic.
- no compliment
- no furthering the conversation
- no nothing
He began purposely avoiding eye contact with me and becoming withdrawn. It was hard not to notice this because it was as if he was going out of his way to avoid it.
He seemed to be standoffish for seemingly no real reason at all. It was a detail I couldn’t ignore, so I began to study it and this is when I finally put the pieces together and realized he was trying to knock me down a peg.
And this is the real reason why.
He Was (Silently) Attacking My Self-Esteem
Victor was aversed to me when I was at my best.
He’d been doing this because he didn’t want me, as a beautiful woman, to “get ahead of myself”. It was easy to miss, at first.
On the one hand, he never actually put me down (aside from that one comment about my lipstick, which was supposed to be a backhanded compliment).
But he also wasn’t going out of his way to uplift me either and it took two specific conversations with him to understand why.
The first conversation happened the year we met in 2021. It was a regular conversation where he took it upon himself to bash women, unprovoked, to make his resentment clear.
He started talking about how —
You modern women expect men to fund your lifestyles yet you don’t even want to work.
As a self-employed full-time writer, I took that sentiment personally. Specifically, because he said “you”, lumping me in with an assorted few when he didn’t really know me like that.
I don’t like when people try to tell me who I am, especially men and especially when it comes to money. I love making my own money and doing nice things for myself when my checks clear.
And I made this known.
The second conversation took place two months ago and resembled the first conversation. Only this time he added —
Women aren’t shit nowadays.
As he said this he gave me this look of disgust and you could tell he was lumping all women together — including me. It pissed me off because if you feel so negatively about women, stop fucking us. Simple.
I was also offended because he was devaluing me in a directly indirect way, publically. The only good that came out of this convo was witnessing him unmask his biggest facade,
His “confidence”.
Remember How Self-Assured Victor Said He Was?
That was all bullshit.
He talked a good game about being confident and well-aware of himself to deflect from two of his biggest insecurities — his hair and his weight.
Victor is stocky.
His size never bothered me, I actually prefer stockier guys. But it’s clear it bothers him from the answer he gave me to the question,
“What would you change about yourself?”
His answer was —
Obviously, I would lose weight but I was always a heavy kid. I just never let being fat stop me from being confident. I was always a confident kid.
I’ve dated men like this before.
From personal experience, his spiel gave off more “he doth protest too much” rather than genuine confidence. He was trying too hard to seem nonchalant. He also has long hair that’s thinning.
I noticed this on one of the rare occasions he didn’t have a fitted on. Which then made another one of his suggestions to me make sense, he keeps pushing me to grow my hair out (since it’s cut really low).
His biggest insecurities are in physical areas I don’t relate to
I’m 5’3 107 lbs with very short but thick hair. It makes sense he’d try to knock me, or change the things about me, that he lacks.
Victor has seen many men walk into that store to hit on me, compliment me (specifically on my lack of hair), or ask for my number.
Each time it happens he watches or looks in another direction (still listening). Sometimes he’s dismissive after it happens too.
Men like this are usually very insecure and either dismiss or put down anything you do that makes you look prettier or feel better about yourself.
Victor’s devaluation of me has been to purposefully “put me in my place” while using suggestions to chip away at my self-esteem because only one of us is allowed to feel good about ourselves.
And it clearly isn’t me.
This Is Why He Got Away With It for So Long
What makes this particular devaluation technique subtle, and successful, is that it doesn’t involve any noticeable changes in the narcissist’s usual behavior.
They can be just as friendly, charming, and funny as they usually are. You won’t see it coming because the devaluation is in what they aren’t saying.
It’s in them ignoring anything you —
- achieve
- change
- improve, or
- evolved
This type of strategy doesn’t involve overt execution. That’s what makes this form of devaluation so discreet, it’s completely silent. It involves saying absolutely nothing.
Everything is done subtly so there’s no way to point the blame
At least, not without looking shallow or desperate.
But even when you can’t put your finger on it, you will feel it. It’ll be confusing to remain involved with someone who’s ignoring your development while still engaging with you.
The reason I noticed it was because unlike the many times in my life when I actively sought attention and male validation, I was doing it for myself.
I wasn’t doing it for a man, at all.
I’d finally be feeling good about myself, for once, and it would become obvious, each and every time, he wasn’t feeling me feeling myself.
His aversion to saying anything kind to me made me pay attention and realize this was being done on purpose — with purpose.
As I said earlier, only one of us was allowed to feel good about ourselves. And when that person wasn’t him, I was devalued to level his playing field.
So that he could feel important again.
© Linda Sharp 2022. All Rights Reserved.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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