First know yourself, then know others — Gichin Funokoshi
Lust or love? Casual or committed? What is it that you really want?
Statista.com reported that 270 million people used dating apps globally in 2020. That’s a lot of people who feel that they want to be in some sort of a relationship. How many of them truly know what they are actually looking for in a partner? How many are being honest with themselves and with the people they are meeting?
The dating world is tough. Any single person knows this, whether you are just starting out in your twenties, or if you’re back out there after marriage and children. Clarity around what you genuinely want and can offer someone else, is the best way to find what you are looking for.
If you are currently dating and feel as though there are too many time wasters and mismatches, let me ask you this. How much time and thought have you put into why you would like to be in a relationship? What needs do you believe are going to be met, and have you considered that you may be able to meet some of those needs for yourself?
Of course, we all know that there are some needs you simply can’t meet on your own. Sexual intimacy, snuggling on a cold night, someone else to share the load of running a home, a companion to go places with. However, there are some fundamental and important needs that can very well be met while you are on your own.
A feeling of being whole, a feeling of being attractive or worthy of love, the ability to enjoy activities alone, having an active social life, being able to provide for yourself, these are all needs that you can meet for yourself with some planning and discipline. You don’t need to be in a relationship to be able to enjoy these aspects of life.
Online dating apps have taken it all to another level in terms of going in blind. Without having clarity about what you want from dating, a few messages is hardly enough to get a really good gauge of who you are actually about to meet. Without a context to put the person into (friends, family, colleagues) you are sitting down to have a drink with a manufactured image.
All dating profiles are avatars. They are personas and curated images of the person we want to portray ourselves as. This is not bad in and of itself, however, it feels almost as if people have completely forgotten how to show up as themselves. As though they feel who they really are isn’t acceptable enough to show the people that they want to attract.
Social media is to blame for a large portion of this. I’m not going to go on about the all of the ways that social media can mess with our confidence, but it’s fairly obvious that if you are only seeing people’s cherry picked images of a perfect life, where they are always looking their best, there’s a high chance you’re going to feel like your stock standard, day to day activities and looks are not exciting enough to offer up to potential mates.
Putting yourself out there to date is an extremely vulnerable exercise. What could be more exposing than presenting yourself as a prospective partner to someone? The delicate balance between trying to be your authentic self, and not letting all your quirks, foibles and shortcomings be too obvious too soon, takes a lot of consideration and energy. Online dating is even more daunting, because you have to put up photos of yourself and don’t have the advantage of sharing your personality through a conversation. You are being judged largely by the way you look.
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Don’t ask yourself “Am I good enough?”.
Instead, ask yourself “Are they good enough for me?”.
So many of us turn up to meet someone for a date, and wonder if we are good enough. Am I attractive enough? Funny enough? Smart enough? Interesting enough?
It’s natural to have a few nerves when you’re turning up to meet someone for the first time, but after that first drink, when the jitters subside, it should be all about what they bring to your table. Are they a good fit for you, do they have the same values? Can they offer the same level of emotional maturity and intelligence that you can?
I’m not saying that you have to assess them as a potential life partner on date one, what I’m saying is really look and listen to them and what they are telling you. Rather than focus on how you look or what you are saying, and whether or not they are impressed with you.
A good friend of mine has reconnected with a person who she dated a couple of years ago. He ended it back then because he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship at the time. This is a fair enough call. At least he was honest enough to communicate this to her. However, this time around, she has become hyper vigilant to what he is looking for in a relationship and is trying to preempt this.
What would be more beneficial for her, is to take this time to really assess if he has all of the qualities she is looking for in a partner. At the moment, she is so focused on making sure she is providing everything that he may be looking for, she’s forgetting that she matters in this process too.
Yes, the last time they dated she felt that he was what she was looking for in a partner, and she was disappointed when it didn’t eventuate. But things have changed, she’s matured, she’s had time to think about what she wants. Is this person still what she’s looking for? She wouldn’t know because she’s trying to be everything for him.
A friend in his thirties told me that unless he has a girlfriend, he feels like he is failing. That if he doesn’t have a partner, everyone will assume that he can’t attract a woman because he’s not good enough. He also said most of his friends think the same way. I wonder how many other young men feel like this? Surely this would drive them to enter into relationships when they are not really sure what they can give, or what they are truly wanting back. It seems that their motivation is more about having worth and status in the eyes of their social circles and families.
The problem with seeking a relationship for these reasons, is that when the initial dust of new love settles, you are setting yourself up for heartbreak. Breakups can be debilitating and time consuming. Your energy can end up being poured into years of healing and recovering, rather than on being creative and resourceful.
When you feel you are ready to venture (or get back out) into the dating world, it pays to really get to the heart of your values, and why you want a partner in the first place. Some questions that will be helpful to ask yourself are:
*What do I want out of being in a relationship?
*What does a relationship give to me that I can’t give to myself?
*How much time realistically do I have to give to another person?
*What level of commitment am I looking for at the moment? Am I ready to meet someone’s family and friends and go all in?
*What values are important to me? What values do I need my next partner to have?
*What qualities do I have, how do I enhance someone’s life by being their partner?
*What are my relationship dealbreakers? What am I not prepared to compromise on?
By doing an inventory of the above questions, and really drilling down into why you are seeking a partner, you will be able to put a clear picture together of what you are looking for, and what you won’t settle for this time around.
When you approach dating with this mindset, you will clear away the deadwood and have more of a chance of connecting to the people that you are most aligned with. You can even pick up a lot of these values within a few short message exchanges if you are highly tuned in to what you are looking for.
Age is not a factor when it comes to being clear on your reason for dating. Single people who are wanting romantic love can become caught up in trying to be what someone else wants, whether they are in their twenties and new to the dating game, or whether they are back out there after a long hiatus. Our insecurities and self doubt can plague us regardless of what life stage we are in. This is why it is crucial to be clear on what you can offer, and what you really need before you connect with potential partners.
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Dating, sex and relationships can be fulfilling and fun. The more you know what you want, the better your experience will be. Take the time to explore your true motivation for wanting to meet a partner. Once you have clarity around that, you can focus your attention on those who resonate with you. This will save you time and emotional turmoil further down the track and make dating a much more enriching experience.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Pablo Contreras on Unsplash