Attachment and Love are the emotions all of us are familiar with, we might have experienced them on a personal level or have seen our closed ones experiencing and living them.
People are in such a rush to fall in love that they almost always confuse getting attached to someone with falling in love with them.
I’ve seen that happen with people around me and the outcome have never been so good. The thing is, attachment plays with one’s mind and makes them think that they’re in love, as they might appear similar to most of us.
When in reality, love and attachment are two completely different emotions and situations. In fact, attachment has nothing to do with love.
The problem — I repeat — is that we always mistake the idea of love for attachment. We imagine that the grasping and clinging, we’ve in our relationship shows that we love.
Whereas actually, it’s just attachment which causes pain, because the more we grasp, the more we’re afraid to lose, and if we do lose then of course we’re going to suffer.
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Attachment is nothing but a natural consequence of exclusiveness. We living beings are bound to get attached with anything and everything, be it someone, something, or somewhere.
It is a negative relationship, that is normally one-sided and emotionally unstable. It’s all about “you” when you’re attached to someone, leading you to become self-centric and eventually selfish. It’s going to be you, feeding your needs onto these things you’re attached with and people, in this case, are no exception.
In a way, you become codependent on them, without them, it becomes very difficult for you to embrace your life alone, you feel something is missing, you feel incomplete.
When there’s attachment, there’s a feeling of receiving something from others, getting their love, acceptance, support, and time. In short, your happiness would be dependent on them.
If I’m with him, I feel happy.
When she doesn’t talk to me for a day, I get upset.
This feeling usually arises because we like the way the other person makes us feel but at the same time, we completely depend our validation upon them and their opinions. You rely on their approval.
We get attached to people only when they fulfil ‘our’ conditions when they make us feel appreciated, complimented, special, encouraged, or if we get their attention.
It’s like filling a void into our lives and that’s exactly why we feel so empty and lonely once they’re gone — it again comes down to ‘our’ need. The attachment can also disappear anytime making it a very transient feeling and situation as there’s nothing deep or real involved.
Love, on the other hand, is an intense, deep and pure emotion and actions which is difficult to find in today’s time. Unlike attachment, it’s all about the other person, it isn’t selfish, rather selfless. You get a sense of satisfaction by giving and expecting nothing in return.
You don’t need anybody to complete you in here, you’re already enough and now you feel more content. It isn’t demanding, or desperate and less self-centered. Love isn’t based on conditions, it’s accepting the other person regardless of their flaws.
It can’t be bounded by just physical existence. Though love is about sharing, it’s also about being independent. Moreover, it reflects sacrifices, trust, compromises, understanding and commitments.
Well, for instance, attachment says — I love you therefore, I want you to make me happy. And genuine love says — I love you therefore, I want YOU to be happy, if that includes me, great but if it doesn’t, I just want your happiness.
So, they’re very different feelings. Attachment is like holding very tight but love is holding very gently, nurturing but allowing things to flow, not to be held tightly. The more tight we hold on to others, the more we will suffer.
Though it’s very hard for people to understand that because they think that the more they hold on to someone, the more it shows that they care about them but it’s not, it’s really just that they’re trying to grasp at something because they’re afraid that otherwise they themselves will be hurt.
Any kind of relationship which imagines that we can fulfill ourselves through another is bound to be very tricky. I mean, ideally people would come together already feeling fulfilled within themselves and just therefore appreciating that in the other, rather than expecting the other to supply that sense of well-being which they don’t feel on their own.
Also, along with the projection which comes with romance where we project all our ideas, ideals and desires and romantic fantasies on to the others, which they can’t fulfill once you get to know them, you recognize that it’s not Prince Charming or Cinderella, it’s just you know, a very ordinary person who’s also struggling.
And unless one is able to see them with, to like them as well as feel desire for them and to also have loving kindness and compassion then it’s going to be a very difficult relationship.
The following are some of the major points which might help you to get a better understanding between love and attachment :
1. Love is generous, whereas attachment is ego feeding.
You get attached to someone only when the other person is making you feel good about yourself and less lonely, it’s all about you.
When a person is in love, all they want is the other person’s happiness and they even prioritize other’s need above themselves.
2. In their absence — you wouldn’t know how to function in attachment, whereas in love, you’ll miss them.
When your person, isn’t around you feel unfulfilled and empty, there’s no fun unless they’re with you. Basically, you lose your sense of independence.
In love, you’d miss them being around but that wouldn’t stop you from having fun on your own. There isn’t this obsessive need to be with them throughout the day and night, as your feelings remain intact regardless of their absence or presence. Your individuality isn’t dependent on the other person.
3. Attachment is controlling, whereas love is all about setting free.
‘If I can’t have them, nobody can.’ This statement can be a result of being attached to someone so bad that now it’s become toxic. You get all possessive and controlling of the other person.
On the contrary, that’s not the nature of love. You value your partner’s independence, their happiness and would have the courage to let them go for whatever reasons without coming in way of their freedom.
4. Attachment would want to you change the other person according to your needs, whereas love, would accept the person for who they’re.
Since, attachment is self-centric, it’s all about how you feel happy and fulfilled, and accordingly, you would demand your partner to change and behave if you don’t like their certain doings.
While in love, you accept the person regardless of their flaws and completely for who they’re, because those are things that define them and you wouldn’t want to change that. You love both their good and bad parts.
5. Attachment doesn’t allow growth, whereas love uplifts both to grow.
Attachment is an entirely selfish and time-consuming situation, which you wouldn’t want to change at all so that you always feel good. It results in staying in the same situation and leaving no room for personal growth and development.
Love on the other hand always supports you to become a better version of yourself. It encourages growth and always leaves a positive impact on each other’s life.
For instance, suppose your partner is going to another country to study in his dream university.
Now, the reaction of the attached person would be something like — ‘How could you do this me? You’re so selfish, you’re just thinking about yourself. You can’t leave me like this. What would I do without you?’ but the person in love would react somehow like — ‘I’m so happy for you. This is what you always wanted, you’ll now be able to turn your dreams in reality. Tell me if i can help you in any way and don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine here and will be waiting for you.’
6. Attachment is temporary, love is forever.
You get attached to people as long as they make you feel better. Now if you find another person, who’s making you happier, you would get attached to this person. You can get attached to anyone for however long you want because it’s not about them, but your needs alone.
Love, on the contrary, transcends time, it always stays in your heart. Sure you might break up but your love for them never dies. There’s always a soft corner and well wishes you’ve for the person you love which never vanishes.
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To conclude it all,
Love is a natural feeling of belongingness, sacrifice, support and empowerment. It’s all about giving without expecting anything in return. Attachment is feeling of possessiveness for someone or something, where there’s an uncontrolled fear or happiness or both. It’s when there are expectations of love from others.
Attachment can be with many things including non-living things, but love can only be with living beings and life in itself is a huge thing.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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