Here’s the thing, over the past two months I have focused all of my living energy in NOT thinking about two main topics:
- My break-up
- Tactics to get my ex back
So, as any respectable Capricorn typically would, I decided to dive head first into work without leaving a single minute of free time to think about life, about love and about myself.
I worked day and night, weekends, I focused all of my pub time on business development knowing exactly which company the locals work for that can be useful and most of all I decided I wouldn’t date…until very recently and not on purpose. In truth, I was just responding to very persistent gorgeous successful men asking me out and sharing their plans of marriage and kids.
Every man I met who took me on a date projected their vision of marriage and kids and was consistent, persistent, patient.
I felt emotionally unavailable, potentially for the first time in my life, and extremely happy over the last few weeks to be truly alone.
Every date I went on, I thought — no.
I was still attached to my ex and I refused to move on. I kept having that feeling that I still belonged to him, that my heart was already all spoken for and that I didn’t want someone new in my life.
When a part of you wants one thing and another the exact opposite
Honestly, I had two polarized parts speaking inside me at all times: the first told me that we never thought we would get back together and the second that this just was not over yet.
I waited for him to reach out. Nothing.
I emailed for Eid, I received a glacial email in return.
He put a couple of likes on my photos.
Nothing.
I sent plenty of subtle and not so subtle messages and received nothing back at all. Everything, including friends’ advice, pointed to the direction of this being an impossible dream.
Just when I thought it was time to throw in the towel, each of my recent dates or crushes asked to come on vacation with me, ready to book.
There would be two viable candidates:
- The first is a gorgeous man, my age, French but African heritage like my ex (though this time Western Africa and same religion), seems to know what he wants — me, marriage, kids — but very different views on the ongoing wars, politics, places where we want to live. He seems to be very physical, very sexual, but also very decisive in getting what he would like. He was extremely nice and consistent so far…let’s see. I’m not 100% convinced yet.
- The second is a much younger guy, tall dark and handsome as per the other two, my former student (in a 3 day course) whom I actually really like. Same culture, super fun to be with, probably not ready at all for the type of commitment I need. Truth is, his age worries me and he seems a lot like my ex in terms of indecisiveness and flakiness. Is 29 just too young? As soon as he stepped it up and decided to book a vacation with me, I knew I just couldn’t go without double checking first if we were truly over.
I did the dumbest thing I could fathom
I called Him.
It was noon, I was on day 1 of my holiday, I couldn’t sleep for the life of me and decided to just do it.
I mean, how much worse could it get?
Let’s be honest, he hadn’t called in three months so I figured maybe it’s best to fully die because I cannot think of anything that isn’t him anyhow, maybe what I needed was one more NO. I do not love you. Maybe I didn’t deserve another ‘I don’t want to be with you’, or ‘I am just not sure’.
I swam in the pool back and forth and my mind had been in panic every waking hour of the day. It was time to do something about it and for lack of better ideas I thought I would just address it.
He didn’t pick up and called me back late in the evening when I took for granted he wasn’t going to at all.
We spoke as if nothing happened. Updates of life, and quickly our sadness for being apart.
I asked: ‘are you coming?’
‘Yes, when is the earliest you can do?’
‘Sunday’, I replied.
Immediately I had to cancel plans I had made with my other dates and it was a non-decision. I knew I wasn’t ready to let go. I feel so exhausted I just needed a moment of breathing into the neck I call home. His.
I finally slept. First night in three months.
He was mine once more.
Rest brings clear thoughts. Maybe sleep is overrated.
I woke up and I thought: what the F&%k did I just do!!
I had officially booked a romantic vacation with the one ex I have broken up with 56 times before all to just repeat the same cycle again. And I am fully aware of what I’m doing, I do this for a living, I go to therapy, I can see the pattern and I rationally understand why I got back in: to solve the mystery!
I opened Pandora’s box once more to prove that this time I could win, that this time I would change the ending.
The ending never changes
I’m not writing this for you, my friends, I’m writing this for myself.
I am writing this to tell the other part of me, the one I call ‘Hollywood’ that this dream of happiness and marriage with this guy is NEVER going to happen and that we knew this all along. We have known in fact, since the first date.
I felt a weird feeling in my chest since booking my flight out to see him.
Bad idea
Bad idea
Bad idea
I cancelled potential future healthy suitors for a guy who has let me down in every way time and time again.
The worst part is that he’s coming to Greece in 6 more days so not I find myself stuck with myself for another SIX DAYS!
Be careful what you wish for: even the most unimaginable things can come true.
I never thought this would actually happen. Not with this ease, not with this simplicity.
Now that I have him, I don’t actually want him. I will go on this vacation because of feeling of guilt. I can’t cancel now.
I am still trying to process how this happened: one phone call and we’re back on. So why did we break up in the first place? Why did he end it in the first place?
Out brain exaggerates things for us to take action
Turns out, our brain exaggerates things for us to take action. Mine, more specifically, sent out an entire ‘exaggeration team’, hanging posters all around and projecting audio messages saying ‘you will die if you don’t call’ and ‘you’ll never love again, you chose Him’ as well as some more subtle ‘we will leave you unavailable for a really long time’ and a subliminal message along the lines of ‘we do not loose without a fight’.
Honestly, I had put up one hell of a fight for two years for this sore loser of a man. So how was I back in? Why was my brain constantly telling me that I could have done more, that I could have done better? Where did I mess up?
Why is it so hard to accept that something is truly over?
Why is it so hard for me to accept an ending that would benefit me, that would make me feel good, that would make my life better and happier?
I know all of this, my friends, but I’m just not ready to do this yet.
I hereby promise myself that I will do absolutely everything in my power to make sure I change this. It’s time.
One of my best friends, F, the most patient of all friends (I have no idea how he hasn’t just fired me all together from being a friend), always tells me to re-read my blog post from January, when I had just returned from Mexico.
That was the very last time in which I felt like me, truly connected to the universe (please don’t take this in a weird way I don’t mean it in psychobabble way), to nature, to myself, to love, to freedom, to values, to a sense of possibility and endlessness.
I will try my very best, I promise.
To YOU, my amazing reader
Sorry for not writing for this long, it was genuinely incredibly difficult to write from a place of deep rooted pain, without being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel even when you know it’s actually right there, somewhere.
It’s hard to write when you haven’t made sense of things, when you are struggling to understand and to love yourself.
But I’m here, as promised, to share life in our 30’s with you, not just the light hearted F-U moments, but also the ones where we loose, we snooze, we crash without knowing exactly how to get back up.
Those moments are just as real.
Maybe I feel too much and I am working so hard to manage this, but I do remain incredibly grateful for being able to feel. What a gift.
Friends credit
I think this blog edition really requires friends credit because I honestly don’t know how my friends have not only NOT killed me yet, put up with me, listened to me, comforted me, watch me make shit decisions over and over again and pulled me up even from the worst decisions of all time.
I am even bored having to co-exist with my mind talking about the same thing non stop, but I have no choice.
My friends however, they have a choice, and they seem to choose me over mental wellbeing and better things to do time and again.
- Thank you S, for always calling me out on my BS, asking tough questions I had not previously asked myself, echoing my therapist, for reading even what I do not say because I’m ashamed to. You’re my rock even though sometimes I’m so scared to loose you.
- Thank you F, for being the best listener and most patient friend the world has ever invented. I have no idea how you are able to stand me. You know how to talk to my most annoying parts and you make sense of them even when I hate them. You allow me to say it all without feeling guilt or shame, supporting me with understanding, kindness and a full heart. You get me in a completely new way to me, you get a side of me I don’t even understand. I will never take you for granted.
- Thank you ML, V and F, you know better, I know you do, you call me out but also watch me make my own mistakes with no judgment, often just with some big question marks on your faces. How can someone so mature do such babyish things? I ask myself the same question. I love learning from you, sharing with you, hearing your opinions. Thank you for loving me in such a beautiful way.
- O, we become closer every day. You’ve become like a younger sister. You are wiser than your years and one of the most incredible people I know. You have such a pure heart yet you can deal with ethics question marks so much better than I can. We share it all, it’s so fun to share it with you and you can deactivate me like no other. Just when I think we’re both making a mess I realize it’s really just me. How is that possible? I cannot thank the universe enough for bringing you into my life.
- I, the friend who is living the journey alongside me. I used to be the wise one now we are on it together. What does that say about us travelers, adventurers, lovers of love? You have the purest heart and you still believe, though sometimes I don’t know how. You are the one person who seeks joy even in darkness and who is so resilient at each fall. You inspire me every day, we have shared so many adventures I couldn’t go on one without you right there by your side. You recently asked me why I don’t take care of myself and protect myself as I would her or any of my amazing friends. I am still reflecting on it.
- V, you’re my stability. Thank you for letting me see the world as I see it, without needs for amendments, without judgment, without limits, supporting my exploration. You show me what love and home should look like. You overcame so much with an elegance and strength, you are an example for us all. You’ve known me all along, you’ve seen me all along, we’re set out to do this thing called life together, forever.
- N, you’re far away and just had a baby yet you had a dream where I was kidnapped and you couldn’t reach me or save me. We read the interpretation. You’re so much more practical and thought out than I am. You make decisions, you make choices and stand by them. I was moved to learn your subconscious thinks of me even through the million things you’re going through in life. It made me reflect, when you shared you were thinking of me as being unsafe. Am I really? Maybe it’s time I grow up and take care of me properly.
Truth is, I don’t know how much of it is a choice and how much of it is exploration we all must go through.
When should we end the exploration and jump on to solid ground?
I feel like like I live in this world that is an ocean of waves and of emotions and smarter people (most friends) have decided to get off the surf board and build a villa at shore, so they can choose which days are worth surfing on.
Why have I not done it?
In a way I feel like I may not deserve that villa, that I haven’t won big enough at life, at love, at career. I feel like I don’t have the means to build it and I don’t have the person to take with me in that living room with a piano overlooking the sea.
I’ve always wanted to share this, but do I still want to?
Do I still want a person in my life?
Why do I feel so much more comfortable there on my own or with simple passersby’s and yet why am I so terrified that I will need help and not be able to receive it?
This is for another conversation.
For now, my friends, be careful what you wish for.
Maybe only when it comes true, you’ll truly discover if it’s what you had wanted all along.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
