“Do you still love her?”
“Do I still care about her? In my opinion, no. Even though I miss loving her, I don’t want to return. I believe it has more to do with the fact that I generally miss having love in my life.”
“How could answers to such a straightforward question be so intricate?”
“I mean… It’s everything related to love that I miss. I long for trust. I miss feeling like the luckiest man alive when I wake up. Long evenings spent doing nothing while holding someone deserving of love are something I miss. We used to go lie in the grass and just be ourselves. We already were; we didn’t need to do the cliched activities like “counting stars” or “creating forms out of the clouds.” We were there at that time. What I miss is that…”
…
“Damn man. That’s deep.”
“It’s real.” I meant it. I had known love before, but not like that. Loving her was something beyond description. I did miss it.
“When did you know that you loved her?”
“What’s with all these questions?”
“You talk about memories, but you never actually talk about HER. I am just curious about why she was so special that you haven’t found anyone else in over 5 years. She did something to you. I want to know what.”
“I guess right away.”
“Bull shit.”
“What?”
“Love at first sight is bull shit.”
“I don’t mean at first sight. I mean in the moments after that.”
“Huh?”
“I saw her and thought she was beautiful. I told myself right away that she was going to be part of my life. That doesn’t mean that I knew exactly how big that part would be. I didn’t approach her; I instead waited until she was walking by, and smiled. She smiled back, not shyly, but not completely forward either. I had to speak to her.”
“So what did you say?”
“Those beautiful eyes I mentioned lit up. She gave me a simple ‘Thanks,’ smiled, and walked away. She was something special. I knew that right away.”
“She walked away?”
“Yup.”
“Why was this different than any other girl who had walked away from a conversation with you? Oh… You couldn’t have her right away. That is why she stuck out so much, right?”
“No.”
“Liar.”
“I am not lying. It had nothing to do with the chase, or whatever you want to call modern courting. It was all about her, about who she was.”
“Explain.”
“She was sincere. From the first time she smiled to the last time she kissed me goodbye, everything she did was real. There was no façade, no intended illusion. She wore her emotions on her sleeves, and didn’t act with any sense of deception.”
“I know a lot of people like that.”
“I don’t.”
“Oh.”
There was a long pause as we both digested the words that were passing between us.
…
“You never talk about this side of things.”
He was right.
“That isn’t an accident.”
“When was the next time you saw her?”
“When I was in Cali with a church group. We…”
“Wait… Back up.”
“What?”
“Church group… You? Church?”
“Do you want to know about her or my past life as a sheep?”
“Fine. Continue.”
“She was a friend of a girl in my youth group. We all went to Palm Springs together and came home attached.”
“Is that when you asked her out?”
“I never did.”
“So how did you end up dating?”
“It just happened.”
“How does something like that ‘just happen’?
“We fell for one another when we were on that Cali trip with the church and were inseparable since. I was working with a theatre company at the time, and we were doing a show at the Keller Auditorium. She came with me when I went to work one day, and the director offered her front-row seats. We walked along the waterfront and through one of the gardens downtown, and she was going on about how cool the show was. I couldn’t respond without ruining the magic, so I just gently turned her towards me and kissed her. We counted that as our first date. I never asked her out; we just ended up in a relationship. I guess you can say that we just stumbled into one another’s arms.”
“I am serious. You have told me how you met, and how you ended up together, but you still haven’t explained what made her so special.”
“How am I supposed to explain that? She was her. Plain and simple. I don’t know what you want beyond that.”
“Really? Do you think I am going to buy that? The man who has an explanation for everything doesn’t know how to explain what made a person special… Bull shit.”
“She called me romantic names.”
“I use the word ‘Lady’ as a term of endearment for women I care about. Whether they be just friends, or something more. She was the only person to ever respond to that in a way that made me smile: she called me Mister.”
“That’s it? Mister?”
“That is part of it. She understood. She could lose herself in my youthful mannerisms and I in hers. She would come home looking upset, and I would tackle her on the bed and tickle her. Then she would kiss me.”
“I use the word ‘bae’ as a term of endearment for women I care about. Whether they be just friends, or something more. She was the only person to ever respond to that in a way that made me smile: she called me Mister.”
“Part of it is that. She was aware. She can become lost in my naive habits and I might become lost in hers. She let me be her pillar of strength. She was present when my father died away, and I got to be there when she witnessed her father’s struggle with cancer. That is why I adored her. I wasn’t worthy of her.”
“Don’t use language like that. You merit being content.
“I never said that I don’t; everyone deserves to find happiness. But, I didn’t deserve to be with her at that point in my life.”
“And now?”
“I don’t know. I feel like I have grown since then and am ready to try again, but finding someone who feels right hasn’t exactly been easy.”
“And when you find her?”
“Hopefully, I won’t be so terrified of fucking it up… or of wasting her time.”
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For more relationship nugget visit medium.com/adeyeyekartob
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: mix909 on Unsplash
