Have you ghosted someone you met online? Maybe you don’t realize you’re making them feel like they’re being led on by you? And think somehow you play with their feelings?
No one’s perfect — everyone makes mistakes at some point.
Whether it’s intentional or not that you hurt people’s feelings, it’s still important to be self-aware while doing online dating.
Trust me, nothing feels worse than hurting someone who genuinely likes you.
The same thing with benching. Some of us don’t even realize we might give mixed signals to someone we met online.
In one of Refinery29’s articles,
“Benching is a dating term that has been around since the 2000s, refers to the act of keeping someone on the sideline as an option when you’re either not ready to commit or simply don’t feel strongly enough about them to go much further.”
So in case you’re wondering, here are some signs that you might put someone “on the bench”:
You say they’re special, but you never want to make it official
You know how hard it is to find someone “special” on dating apps. It takes lots of swiping left and right even to just find someone who has the same vibes as you.
But here you are, keep telling them they’re so special and that you connect on a deeper level with them — more than with anyone else before.
Yet you still don’t make the big move.
So they keep waiting on you to make it exclusive, and you know it. You might have many reasons in your head. One could be you’re afraid there’s someone else better out there, and you don’t want to miss out.
The second one could be that you just want to keep it casual, but you don’t want to let them know because you know they’re going to be upset and eventually leave you.
But that’s the risk. You can’t keep saying they’re the “one” while, in reality, you don’t even want to be together as a couple.
You show inconsistency in the communication
Some days you’re so excited to see them, but some days you don’t even send a single text. You’re confusing them with your inconsistency.
Even worse, for those who have an anxious attachment style, they’ll take it very personally and think it’s their fault that you haven’t called. It also got them overthinking and losing their mind.
It happened a couple of times during my time on dating apps. I couldn’t tell whether he wanted me or not because of how unstable our communication was.
If he booted-call me, sure — that’d be easier for me to run away because I’d know he just wanted to fool around.
But if one day he showed full attention, took me out to a great date, and treated me well, then the next day nothing happened then I’d question it — a lot.
No one in the right mind would feel good with the on and off communication. So consistency does matter.
Even if you aren’t feeling it, it’s better to tell them that you are no longer interested rather than keeping them waiting for your call.
You aren’t being transparent and honest with them
I’ve read much advice out there that tells you to see multiple people, especially when you haven’t been serious with any of them.
While this might help you get less emotionally attached to someone you barely know, it’s also necessary to be as honest as you can.
When you tell people that you want to take things slow because you just went through a breakup or something, they’ll understand your situation more.
Plus, it helps them to see where they stand. They might as well see other people too and not cling to the idea of being in a relationship with you anytime soon.
In another way, you keep the game fair by being transparent on the get-go because otherwise, you’re just pretty much benching them.
You are still on dating apps
The last sign you’re benching someone is when you’ve been out with this person many times, yet your profile is still active on the dating app.
It’s like you keep in touch with this one person while waiting for the other person (who you think might be a better fit) to come around.
It’s unfair if your date doesn’t know that you’re doing this.
It might not be called as a cheating because you aren’t in a relationship with them yet, and by all means, you have the freedom to go out with whoever you like.
But speaking from experience, the other person would still get hurt if you didn’t disclose the information in the beginning.
Because you never know — they might ditch their dating apps for you.
Overall, it’s never fun to be someone else’s backup. If you’ve been in the dating pool long enough, you probably know that feeling where someone’s just stringing you along.
They aren’t in it 100%, but they don’t want to let you go either. It could be the worst feeling for someone else out there.
Therefore, being mindful in your online dating journey is important.
You never knew what other people have been through before they met you. And you’ve got nothing to lose by treating them well.
If you think you can’t give your commitment, be honest about it upfront. Many people are more appreciative of that approach rather than being sneaky.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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