BREAKING NEWS—The president and his wife don’t sleep in the same bed! This doesn’t surprise me, nor is it anyone’s business but theirs. The truth is a lot of married couples don’t sleep together. It is even a subject that receives some attention in The Bedroom, a recent book by historian Michelle Perrot. So, why is it a big deal?
In the thirty-five years, my husband and I have been living together, it’s been rare for us to sleep apart. We both find comfort in having the other within touching distance. But I’m not going to lie, in the last few years, it’s happened a little bit more. Part of the reason is that I don’t sleep as well as I used to. On those occasions when I wake in the night and can’t get back to sleep, I go into my daughter’s old room to keep from waking my husband up with my tossing and turning.
Getting a good night’s sleep is too important for both of us. It is for many couples who have decided that two rooms make for better health and harmony. If you have space and it works for both of you, go for it. The right answer is the one that fits the best.
In thinking about this, two clichés come to mind. Familiarity breeds contempt and Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Sometimes sharing a bed puts two people too close together. Snoring, farting, snuffling, morning breath, and other bodily activities can not only interrupt sleep, but they can also seriously kill the romance.
The challenge of balancing the constant proximity and erotic mystery in marriage is real. Psychotherapist Esther Perel tackles this important topic of keeping passion and desire alive in long-term relationships in both her TedTalk and her book Mating in Captivity. It’s not an easy dance but it’s an important one to undertake if keeping the marriage healthy and fulfilling is the goal.
The reason for having separate bedrooms matters. If it’s a means of escaping or avoiding a problem in the relationship itself, it might be worth reconsidering. But if it allows you to be better versions of yourselves, it just might be the right move.
Sleeping apart doesn’t mean not being intimate. In some cases, it can lead to better sex because you’re both more rested and more interested. There’s no rule that says you can’t mess up the sheets on one bed and then cross the hall to slumber in peace. In good marriages, you get to make the rules that work for you both. Need help now? Get a free 15-minute laser coaching session on your biggest marriage challenge.
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Previously published on Theherohusbandproject.com.
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