Does Acting Single in a Relationship Work?

We can’t have total freedom and expect complete and utter transparency and intimacy from someone else. It’s like mixing oil and water.

And relationships don’t come without compromise. While it might sound all ‘fine and dandy’ to say we’re all in, the question is, are we?

Do we actually try to understand what our significant other’s needs are?

Or do we dismiss and criticize them? Are we getting annoyed or frustrated when they expect something from us?

When it comes to compromise, we might assume this means sacrificing in silence and becoming resentful. We’ll believe that even a small disagreement is tantamount to “This person isn’t right for me I better jump ship ASAP!”

I see it a lot around me.

I’ve dealt with it before. The girls I was with treated my time like it was owed to them. And I’ve noticed how a lot of people are essentially just trying to get what they can while maintaining a facade of commitment.

This doesn’t mean avoiding relationships at all costs.

It’s critical to be mindful of how you’re showing up with the person whom you claim to love.

The questions to ask yourself:

What do I want out of a relationship?
(Most importantly) What do I offer?
How committed am I to the success of this relationship?

Really think about this.

Because a lot of us hold out the hope that we can bring the same attitudes and behaviors of singleness into a relationship and expect to get the same results. Intimacy, connection, love, vulnerability, and all that kind of stuff.

Here’s what I mean.

I started re-reading Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. While it’s not necessarily a relationship book, embodying these traits obviously has a pay off for success in relationships.

In the beginning, Covey describes three things related to maturity and our ability to cooperate in this dark fantasy we call the game of life.

From immaturity to maturity

Dependence: “I’ll blame you if you don’t pull through for me.” Dependence is expecting someone else to take care of your needs. It’s like an early parent-child relationship.

Independence: This is where we learn to become self-sufficient. We’re not reliant on others for our needs. It’s the paradigm of I.

Interdependence: Synergy. ‘We.’ Interdependence is all about cooperating as a group or in a partnership. We combine our talents, strengths, and skills to create something better than what we could do on our own.

On paper, sounds a lot like what a romantic relationship is right?

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Plot twist: What if interdependence isn’t even the point of a relationship?

What if a relationship is whatever we want it to be? Maybe a successful relationship can be two people who choose to be more independent. Perhaps a relationship can work if two people become dependent on each other.

Who knows?

There’s no universal blueprint for one, but at the end of the day, when the framework of a relationship isn’t adequately communicated, the longevity of said relationship tends not to be too long.

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The greatest challenge is one person wanting more and the other one being okay with keeping things casual.

But the question is though, is ‘wanting more’ code for dependency or true interdependence? That’s a question we all have to ask ourselves individually.

Does your partner’s independence trigger you because they yearn for their own freedom and you need validation from them?

I won’t get too deep into attachment theory, but we could say that many avoidants approach relationships from the frame of independence.

But that’s as far as they’re willing to take it. They’d like the benefits of the relationship, like status, titles, love, sex, companionship, and support while maintaining the same amount of sovereignty as before while dressing up their selfishness as self-care.

On the other extreme, the anxious-preoccupied partner is dependent on the relationship. They need it to validate themselves and feel a sense of self-worth. Their belief is “If someone loves me, I can finally love myself.”

Either way, if it’s extreme dependency or hyper-independence, the imbalance is toxic.

Conclusion,

At the end of the day, relationships serve one and only purpose. To enhance our lives. There’s not really a one-size-fits-all relationship that is inherently better than another.

However, what I have seen is that when the boundaries of the relationship aren’t agreed upon, that’s when resentment grows, and love withers away.

For greater insight on boundary setting, download your copy of my boundary cheat sheet here.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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