Tom Matlack knows why he started The Good Men Project. Now he’d like to know: Why are you here?
It is beginning to feel, at times, like The Good Men Project has a bit of the Occupy Movement in us in the sense that we all know this is important, but we each have a different reason why. And, as a result, our list of demands can easily come into direct conflict.
I had my own reasons for starting The Good Men Project. I have said many times it was purely selfish: I wanted an excuse to learn from inspiring men from completely different backgrounds what being a good man meant to them. And I have been rewarded a thousand times over, men of color, men in prison, men at war, women who became men, gay men, straight men, swingers. You name it, I have been moved and changed by the stories shared as part of our movement.
But the debate remains, and for good reason, what is the real mission of The Good Men Project?
I got two emails this week from well-known writers, both of whom did not want to leave comments and even share their words. I suppose that in a world where manhood is up for grabs, and the fear of reprisal is great, the truth is sometimes hard to say out in the open.
Nevertheless I am sharing them here in hopes that you will reflect on what it is that you value about what we are attempting here, what is right about our mission, and what you’d like to see more of.
I sometimes feel odd trying to go with the flow of contemporary masculinity. One must, to a certain extent. But I am a defector from what I see as a bankrupt ideology. I overdosed on the whole world of football and its thinly veiled celebration of war and its occult rapist ethics. It is not only at Penn State that it constitutes a cult.
Anyway, I value The Good Men Project for many reasons, not least of which is its willingness to try to meet men where they are and encourage us to ask questions and work out the answers provisionally in our lives. I call myself a feminist because the work of that second wave of feminists was crucial to me in coming to understand the structures of abusive power. But that word has been poisoned (even for young women!) and the earnest mens’ magazines that came out of that feminist revolution end up reaching only their faithful, preaching to the choir and all that. So thank you for your work, that’s really all I was trying to say.
And here is the second one:
I watched the GMP documentary again this evening and was reminded of how–and why–I was drawn to the GMP to begin with. It was because it was nice to hear real men’s stories from actual men, for a change, instead of from women, or shrinks, or talk show hosts, and how moving the documentary actually is–and why.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeIt just seems to me that if men want to hear what’s wrong with them, especially from women, there is an entire array of magazines and other venues for just that purpose. Sometimes, I think, men are actually OK just as they are, and the one thing they need to work on is the ability to tell and articulate their own stories about the challenges they face as men in their lives after a lifetime of being sneered at, in one way or another, or called ‘whiners’ for articulating them. From the first time a little boy falls down and is told not to cry, to learning how to endure pain and suppress his feelings as an adolescent, the message is “shut up and take it.” Taking it is one thing–shutting up is quite another.
I guess I just never really saw the GMP as a place where there would be a such regular dosage of chastisement for being male. I’m sure I’m not the only guy on the site that groans a little when he reads on the GMP how much work he has to do to “fix” himself, or who isn’t all that interested in constantly hearing about how incredibly well off men are because of their “privilege” (and I can tell you that the much-vaunted “male privilege” looks very different to someone who grew up as a skinny, feminine gay boy to whom “male privilege” was entirely withheld) either in articles or in the letters section–though it’s great that readers express their views so freely.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeBut as I’ve said before, I know exactly what the response would be if male readers of a site called “The Good Womyn’s Project” too to the letters section to explain to the women how they could “improve” themselves, or be “better women.”
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[…] The Good Men Project founder Tom Matlack posed the question: Does the Good Men Project have a mission? In his article he asks, amongst other things, why are you here? I have to be honest and answer, I […]
[…] founder Tom Matlack posed the question: Does the Good Men Project have a mission? In his article he asks, amongst other things, why are you here? I have to be honest and answer, I […]
[…] comment was on Does The Good Men Project Have a Mission? The comment was by Matt […]
Great thought provoking dialogue today from this read. The only comment that seems to leap off my lips is “the guilty take the truth to be hard”. I was taught by my wife that a defensive person is usually guilty. I teach my boys that defensiveness in an indicator to look inward. If a man reads from GMP and becomes defensive or feels overly pressed to change then maybe they should take some humility and look inward. Equally, if a woman gets offended by a man’s attempt to express himself then they too must take a deeper look into the… Read more »
I just grew up poor and was expected to work to support myself and with expectation to get married. I’m not religious or feminigious. I paid my way for everything, including university, and I starved and struggled at times without special scholarships for whats between my legs. I did all that masculine stuff and traditional expectations. I worked real hard at school, work and at home. None of it matters and it’s not worth the trouble, because everything is my fault as a man. Feminists and conservatives have a lot in common in holding men responsible, while maintaining traditional feminine… Read more »
You need a clearer definition of “privilege.” Privilege is
1. Something feminists accuse ALL MEN of having, and
2. Something that only a tiny fraction of men ever get to take advantage of.
So, Tom, you asked. Permission to speak freely, sir? Strikes me that the title containing both the words “Good” and “Project” intimates that most men are, somehow, currently “Bad.” Otherwise, why would one be engaged in a “Project?” That viewpoint (that men are not “Good” as they are, but need to be made “Good”) also tends to be consistent with the viewpoint expressed by a certain professor from the left coast who writes for this ezine. For sh*ts and giggles: should we be involved in a Better Men Project? Most of the women I’ve dealt with seem to be genuinely… Read more »
Just change it to “what women want”
rayhaus,
I’m glad to at least see an aknowledgement that their are Good Men. After being bashed by various
feminists (almost into oblivian) it’s nice to know their are other men that have had similar negative
experiences at the hands of “most women”.
One topic I have yet to discover is the radical “change” in a woman when she has menopause.
Glad to have TGMP to read and learn from!
What “change” do you mean?
PMS lasts for years instead of just a week every month.
You can’t generalize about that. It is the opposite for me. Menopause = PMS TOTALLY GONE!!! Yay!!! Things could not be better. I know lots of women like this. Some struggle like you say–certainly not all.
Please stop generalizing.
Boy is this a slippery slope – there’s a good chance I’m going to fall off the cliff here. But that’s OK because I know there are plenty of men out there that are willing to throw me a lifeline. As a GENERALIZATION I can appreciate what Bad Man says. The trouble with generalizations is that they don’t give an accurate picture of specific instances in relationships. For example, one of my ex-wife’s favorite was “all men are jerks”. Well, to be honest there were plenty of times I was a jerk but more often than not I was trying… Read more »
Steve, this makes a lot of sense. I know that it goes both ways too. When I used to have PMS (before menopause), it was sometimes the reason I was upset, and often times not–something real was upsetting. Likewise, my then-husband was often angry. He did not have a hormonal cycle, but I knew there were times for armor and times for flowers. That’s how relationships work. Just as I did not want to be “gaslighted” (Yashar Ali’s term) about being on the rag or having PMS, my husband did not want to be misandristly (not a real word!) characterized… Read more »
Lori, Understand that under the old mores of what it meant to be a man, anger was one of the very few emotions that was allowed expression (with all it’s destructive consequences). In actuality, if I felt angry, there was another feeling under the surface. (examples: I’m hurt; I’m being treated unfairly; I’m feeling unequal to the task at hand; I’m not being understood; I’m not being treated seriously; I’ve felt cheated etc. etc.) Forget about positive emotions – Those make you feel weak and by no means and under no circumstances do men cry! Sorry to all the guys… Read more »
I’m here because one dark and stormy night years ago I got an email from guy named Larry Bean, a call for submissions for a new men’s website. As most writers will tell you, that’s all the bait we need to get interested. I happily posted a few pieces on the old blog and wasn’t sure where the whole thing was going, if anywhere. Must admit that when the magazine premiered I was a bit taken aback by some of the content, specifically the gender-bending, same-sex attraction essays, and emphasis on the interface with feminist philosophy. As a writer whose… Read more »
For me, the Good Men Project is a venue for the thoughts, the experiences of Men and more broadly Masculinity – So it is about feminine-through-to-masculine men(nontrans and trans), and masculine women. Particularly, how definitions of masculinity and femininity impact, for good or ill, on them. Personally Id love to read more alot articles from trans men, masculine women and, feminine men. About their experiences of how the borders of masculinity and femininity impact, positively or negatively, on their lives But the debate remains, and for good reason, what is the real mission of The Good Men Project? As with… Read more »
I’m beginning to think the “Good” part of the title is unfortunate, because anyone who points out pitfalls men are struggling with is heard to be saying men are “bad.” This leads to the observer being branded as a feminist, whether male or female, and once pigeon-holed, the pigeon-holer stops listening or trots out the familiar canned responses trying to belittle the observation. I think this project was a great idea, but has lost the plot…sadly devolving into superficial bickering and bad manners based narrow-minded assumptions about others’ motives and what is politically correct. I was drawn to the idea… Read more »
On further reflection, I think that what I was trying to say is that the original GMP effort seemed to arise because Tom Matlack had pursued hot sex and other short-term highs to the point where he realized it cost him more than it was worth. Having learned a lot, he then wished to make possible a discussion of balance and the possibility (at least) of long-term commitment…not in a dogmatic or exclusionary way…but more as a tribal elder inviting other farsighted perceptions and related discussions..in hopes that he might help others avoid the pitfalls he had lived. My impression… Read more »
+1
Years (ok decades) ago, there was a comic strip named “Bloom County” one of the features of which were the male characters periodically parking themselves on the men’s couch either for idle chatter or for something more intense. I think GMP is that couch for me where I can laugh at the outrageous, shed a tear when I need to, talk back when I want to, and occasionally offer up a bit of wisdom acquired over the last 58 years. GMP is a forum for all of us who are still figuring things out.
I’m here because I am the mother of a beautiful 17 year old son that I unschool. He and his friends are not exposed to anti-male attitudes and male hatred of feminists or in our society. He is growing up feeling good about himself and cherished for who he is. I am here because I am the author of Instead of Medicating and Punishing and I am in the process of writing a second book, this one the focus is on Attachment Parenting boys and natural education for them. I am here because I am trying to find authentic voices… Read more »
I want to clarify that I meant in my comment above, “male hatred BY feminists” nor “of”. How I wrote it was unclear.
Ms. Couture – thank you for weighing in here. It is a breath of fresh air to hear a woman tell it like it is. Thank you! Your book has incredibly positive reviews on Amazon. I am intrigued and may pick up a copy. Please offer your comments here as often as possible. You can be an excellent female voice of reason, and your perspective is sorely needed. Please know that not every man here is a feminist apologist or placater. For example, I try to provide facts, logic, and reason, in order to shed light on the realities facing… Read more »
“gender feminists tend to see conventional masculinity as a pathology and the source of much of what is wrong in the world”
http://www.aei.org/docLib/20090108_ContemporaryFeminism.pdf
Does anybody else recognize that trend or is it just me? Is there something wrong with men having choices too? I’m like totally pro-choice, so I guess I’m the man in the middle.
Yours is an interesting situation. A woman trying to raise a boy on her own is at a severe disadvantage, and not just financially. Women literally do not “get” what it means to be male, any more than men “get” the female experience. So providing resources and examples to help him deal with his gender and its place in society is a special challenge without a father figure to draw on. I wish you the best of luck with this challenge! Beyond that, I applaud your recognition that too often the message of feminism amounts to “men are bad,” and… Read more »
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5OdQGbVNa4
I’m here for the attention.
The term ‘Project’ makes all the difference and can’t be emphasized enough. Stories of trying to better yourself rather than articles on how to ‘fix’ yourself ARE what people, women and men, need as an alternative to a century of marketers trying to sell us our own IDs and Superegos. Likewise, we need an alternative to half a century of digging into the apologist or reactionary (wimp or bully) positions. There are enough opposite but equally lop-sided articles, by men and women, that try to counteract the macho poison rather than acknowledge that it isn’t entirely external. It doesn’t need… Read more »
This is great.
I personally love the accessibility of the GMP – we don’t have to be professional writers to share our stories, and we are encouraged to provide feedback to those who are willing to pull back the curtains and let us take a look into their world. And the ability to see so many different perspectives on manhood and what being a ‘good man’ is really all about. There is, of course, no solitary answer to that question and the GMP does an amazing job of showing that.
I agree with Writer #2. I see the GMP forum as an opportunity to get away from the feminist view of men–i.e., blaming and shaming–and start looking at masculinity from the MALE perspective for a change. As something to be explored and understood, rather than complained about and corrected.
TGMP, for me, is a place to discuss the issues and challenges facing men, from an actual male perspective. As such, feminism has nothing to contribute to its discussions.
As such, feminism has nothing to contribute to its discussions.
The coach-and-horses that we antifeminists(whether equalatist through to mra) gallop easily through their feminist arguments, is instructive for the uncommited reader though
[…] Does The Good Men Project Have a Mission? It is beginning to feel, at times, like The Good Men Project has a bit of the Occupy Movement in us in the sense that we all know this is important, but we each have a different reason why. looks very different to someone who grew up as a skinny, feminine gay boy to whom “male privilege” was entirely withheld) either in articles or in the letters section–though it's great that readers express their views so freely. I love GMP and am so honored to be part of the team. […]
I find TGMP’s ‘aberrant posts’ are actually much more representative of men and what men want to be than the traditional men’s magazines. These magazines sell ads at the cost of the quality of the content. They sell a lifestyle that was obsolete decades ago. Inherent in such much of the media is the assumption that men are bad or broken… and if you just by X you will be fine. I might not agree with all your posts, but I like the fact that men and women are writing about what the see and feel. Your writers are not… Read more »
I’m a relative newcomer to this site, but have enjoyed the articles a lot. So far this is one of the few sites that reflect my situation in life, trying to live as a good man, but also dealing with all the challenges associated with that. While my father was a great role-model as I was growing up, he lived in a very 50’s mentality. So I’m quite sure that if I was living in the 50’s I would be adequately prepared… But in this new millennium, the only role-models are from TV or magazines… And we all know how… Read more »
I love Mediahound’s comment. So many perspectives possible-sons, grandfathers, friends, other things besides sports that men love. I love Lori’s comment. Lisa has been amazing and I value contributing here and learning from all the writers and commenters. I love learning challenging myself as a writer and a thinker and as a human. I wouldn’t be a good humanist if I didn’t listen, read and challenge myself. I hate that things devolve into win/lose when there is so much more opportunity for growth by moving out of traditional roles and frames. Things do seem frustrating that’s true, but growth and… Read more »
Julie, I had a fabulous mentor once who told me that when it comes to matters like politics, society, and so forth, there is danger in all being in agreement. That is a way to all go gently down the wrong path together. The differing and dissenting voices are needed to have the kind of process necessary for thoughtful and positive change. This mentor also told me to think about the Coliseum in Rome, and that you want people yelling at each other, and you want some thumbs up and some thumbs down. If you have that, and you do… Read more »
Julie Maybe GMP needs a specific section headed “Science Corner” so anyone who posts anything which relies upon a report – a study – some findings published in any form – that is where it goes. Then the boffins can all look at it and dissect the beast. It would then not interrupt so much other communication. I am concerned that low quality material is being used to create perceptions that are biased. I do love science and study so I do love weeding the wheat from the chaff – and I am the first to admit that inquiry can… Read more »
Awesome idea.
Yep, love this idea. I get really frustrated with all the diversion and deflection from reciprocal discussion cause by people trotting out studies, some of which are reputable and many of which really are not! It becomes the dance of the dueling studies, and it can be really challenging to respect them all equally when you do not believe they are equally reputable.
Wow! So science is not welcome unless people who may know nothing about it approve its implications. That would transform GMP into a politically correct bubble of trivial observations. May I suggest that anyone who believes political correctness determines what is scientifically valid watch these brilliant documentaries by a Norwegian sociologist who realized the “politically correct” sociologists in Norway (who were saying many of the same things I hear from the PC police here on GMP) were ignoring recent findings on gender and sexual orientation? The segments are also highly entertaining. Brainwash 1: 7 – “The Gender Equality Paradox”: http://vimeo.com/19707588… Read more »
Tom – I have been looking at the two questions you have posed – “Does The Good Men Project Have a Mission?” and “Why are you here?”. Those two questions are in many ways Mutually Exclusive – and combining them can get ideas quite muddled. It even runs the risk of combining them to create a sort of status quo that can be quite insular. GMP says of itself “Our content reflects the multidimensionality of men — we are alternatively funny and serious, provocative and thoughtful, earnest and light-hearted. We search far and wide for new stories and new voices… Read more »
I first discovered GMP three months ago, when an outside link brought me to Lisa Hickey’s 9/11 article, where I contributed what I thought would be a one-off comment that led to a very engaging discussion. You could say it was atheism that initially brought me here, because it was Lisa’s atheist take that I first connected with. It was encouragement by Lisa and the other active participant in that thread (Roger Durham) that led to my first article contribution, and it just snowballed from there. Honestly, my primary attraction to GMP is not it’s core mission, but the writing… Read more »
I feel that I have something to contribute to what can help men to be better, in a balance way, that lays approriate responsibility on men but doesn’t demonize them.
I love GMP and am so honored to be part of the team.
I do think that we need to do two things, and we’re doing them:
1. affirm what men are already doing right
2. challenge men where we still need to do better.
I try and do both, but I tend to do more of #2; Tom tends to do more of #1. But we’re all on the same team here, with the same fundamental goal: helping all of us understand men a little better.
What I tell people when I share this link is that if they think the internet is only for killing brain cells, then they haven’t read the incredible writers on this site yet. There are so many articles on here that no site in their right mind would touch because they are taboo, or too controversial, or because no one wants to hear it. For specific examples I mean: The Top Five Unmanly TV Characters (and why we love them), articles about the double standards when it comes to blow jobs vs. cunnilingus (which spoke volumes about my own understanding… Read more »