In my last post, I shared how our polycule has fallen apart after James and Annie have broken up. Thomas left a comment saying:
“The only thing that surprises me about the polyamorous community is how surprised they continue to be that their relationship model doesn’t work any better than the monogamy model.”
Thomas, thanks for giving me another topic to write about! So let’s discuss: does the polyamorous model work better?
First, let’s start by defining ‘better’. Naturally, this depends on your frame of reference, as well as your values. Some people might argue that better is longer, but I don’t think this is necessarily true for anything, relationships included ;). Personally, I believe great relationships contribute to our sense of well-being and happiness. If they don’t, why not just stay by yourself?
When the polyamorous model works better
If you — like me — believe that a great relationship is one that contributes to your happiness, you’ll probably also agree that it’s not one-size-fits-all. After all, what makes you happy might not make me happy, and the other way around. So I do believe for some, polyamory might be the model that works better, while for others, it’s worse.
Speaking of which… I don’t think we can really say there’s such as thing as a polyamorous model. Relationship anarchists place a high value on independence and freedom, and don’t value romantic relationships over other relationships. On the other hand, we also have the polyfidelity triads (meaning three people are all in a relationship with each other, but aren’t free to date others, like in You, Me, Her). Still multiple relationships, very different approach.
Without excluding any types of polyamory, I think the polyamorous model does work better if:
- You have needs that are important to you and can’t be met in just one romantic relationship (for instance because you have conflicting needs)
- AND/OR you have a strong craving for freedom when it comes to relationships
- OR you don’t feel the need to date multiple people, but you don’t mind it when your partner does.
- AND you’re willing and capable to put in the work that is required to manage multiple relationships simultaneously, including dealing with jealousy and alone time, managing time, resources, and expectations, and communicating clearly and constructively.
If this is true for you, the polyamorous model likely works better, because it’s a better fit for your needs.
(Disclaimer: I’m not taking into account practical matters, such as the access to other polyam folks in your community, etc. — this is a separate matter entirely)
When the monogamous model works better
I know plenty who thrive in polyamorous relationships, those who wouldn’t even consider them, and some that go back and forth. And you know what? Personally, I also truly believe that for some, the monogamous model works better. This is the case if:
- You can have your important romantic needs met with just one partner.
- AND You don’t mind or are even happy being with one romantic partner.
- AND/OR The benefits of being exclusive with one partner matter to you (such benefits may include relative predictability/stability in your schedule, or acceptance from the outside world)
- AND you are willing and capable to put in the work that is required to find your way back to each other as both of you grow as human beings, so that you keep meeting each other’s romantic needs and don’t grow apart.
What if it’s neither?
You may have noticed that with both models, I’m focusing on the pull — the things that are appealing about each of them. But both models also come with their own set of challenges. So regardless of which type of relationships you choose, you have to be willing and capable of putting in the work. If you don’t, I don’t think *any* relationship model will work for you in the long term.
If you’re not willing to communicate with your partner about your needs, you might choose monogamy, but I question whether your relationship will still be happy and fulfilling down the line.
If you don’t want to take into account your partner’s needs, dating multiple people might bring you a short reprieve first, but is likely to bring you a whole lot of headache after.
In the end, relationships are human, and humans are messy. Polyamory doesn’t cure us from that (and neither does monogamy). But for a lot of us, I do believe polyamory is a ‘better’ model, leading to a life of more freedom and fun.
…
Last summer, we launched a deck of Polyamory Conversation Cards that help tackle the many different aspects of polyamorous relationships. In 49 prompts, you’ll explore topics such as emotional security, sexuality, and practical matters. Grab your deck in the webshop!
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
 |
 |
 |
 |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: iStock
I suppose you can define “works,” in regard to relationships as “getting what you want,” but if you want it to work long term, it’d probably help if it works for the other(s) in your relationship too. From various, though limited, postings online, my distinct impression is that polyamory is more often something women pursue or ask for more often than men. In these cases, most men probably have one of two reactions: 1- they think its some kind of test and so, they say no, or 2 they think “wow! She’s okay with me bedding more women!” In which… Read more »