“Men pursue, and women play hard to get,” is as old as time. It is the energy that keeps us moving forward as a species, and on a smaller scale, it is reproduced in marriages worldwide.
And, as long as we are OK with this dynamic, our intimate life hums along gracefully. But what happens to our sex life when he stops pursuing and instead wants to be pursued? Often, this leads to frustration, feelings of rejection, or worse, as, so often, a woman won’t feel compelled to pursue intimacy despite enjoying sex with her husband. Many women are capable of being aroused but don’t experience spontaneous desire or lust.
And I wish this dynamic was better understood and normalized, as I spend a huge amount of my time working with men, quelling their pain, fear, and insecurity over their wife’s lack of initiative for physical intimacy.
For many men, it’s simple. If you want something, you pursue it. If you like it, you would, wouldn’t you? A man will watch his wife’s lengths for a piece of chocolate — get in the car, drive to the store, spend money — and think, “If only she wanted me as much as that candy.”
But what he doesn’t realize is that she does love him, enjoys sex with him, and considers him a great lover. “Of course, I enjoy being intimate with him. But no, I don’t just spontaneously see him washing the dishes and think, ‘Wow, I wish we were in the bedroom right now.’”
The importance of understanding this difference cannot be overstated. A wonderful couple came to me on the verge of divorce. He was a good man, fed up with feelings of rejection over years of waiting for his wife to reciprocate his overtures.
She was confused and distraught, as she loved her husband and their marriage. She felt so guilty and was saddened by her inability to initiate. In tears, she confessed that she didn’t know how or when to start.
He agreed that after he initiated, the sex was great — loving, giving, intimate, and very connecting. But he felt so shunned as a partner that he always started it, or it never happened. “Why doesn’t she want me? What’s wrong with me?”
I’m happy to report that normalizing this situation and his wife’s behavior helped them both heal. His heart mended from false feelings of rejection while she regained a sense of security in her own feminine nature. But it was almost too late.
Unfortunately, this is a situation I run into quite often. Perhaps we watch too many movies that distort the natural masculine/feminine dynamic of the giver/receiver. But there is another important lesson here, mainly for the gals.
Many men naturally pursue. At the same time, even the most masculine man appreciates, at a minimum, gracious receiving and, if not possible, soft rejections. As a bonus, initiating even 5% of the time lets him know that he’s desired and wanted.
Our honor, respect, and sensitivity in this area cannot be overstated, as the bedroom is the crucible for your marriage. And spiritually, intimacy represents the unification between the upper and lower worlds of creation and even between Gd and humanity itself.
When we confidently align ourselves with our natural character, we bring peace, love, and security into our relationship. This creates a deeper pleasure and trust which extends to all aspects of our shared life.
Enjoy!
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Dovid Feldman is a licensed Family and Marriage therapist. If you enjoy this article and want to learn more, come follow me on Twitter, here: twitter.com/dovidfeldman, or visit my website, here: dovidfeldman.com
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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