Most people thought I was getting a divorce. That’s a thing where your life blows up and people have a lot to say about it. Not sure why.
But I wasn’t getting a typical run of the mill divorce.
I was divorcing a narcissist.
And not in the sense, that this trendy word is being overly exercised. As if every selfish, arrogant, jerk (I’d really like to use another word) has a narcissistic personality disorder. Like in the sense my husband was actually diagnosed by a psychologist as having this serious empathy lacking affliction.
Thus, it was a hang onto your bootstraps kinda deal.
No matter. People still had a lot to say as I tossed back and forth. Maybe it’s because they don’t understand narcissism. Let me explain.
A narcissistic relationship is one-dimensional. It’s flat. There’s essentially a single individual in a relationship. But we keep trying. Those of us who love the narcissist. We foolishly believe we can reach them.
But the narcissist is a charming fantasy. For this reason, they exist in our minds only.
They aren’t real, nor were they ever who we thought they were, or capable of what we thought they were…love.
If it wasn’t so brutally abusive and tragic it would sad.
You shouldn’t judge people in divorce. I get it. I’m human. It’s not like I didn’t have a few things to say before my own experience.
But you REALLY shouldn’t judge people who are leaving individuals who are financially and emotionally abusive. Not to mention the ones who end up being physically abusive.
Because nothing sets a bullying and abusive narcissist off more than leaving them.
So don’t judge me, I’m divorcing a narcissist.
Do not mistake my fear as anger. He’s willing to hurt my children to hurt me. I am fighting to protect them.
Do not mistake my repetition for a lack of forgiveness. I forgave him repeatedly. I stayed too long and I am too exhausted to problem solve so I talk.
Do not mistake my inability to move forward as living in the past. He wouldn’t allow me to leave him unless I did it on his terms.
Do not mistake my stress for unhappiness. I chose to move on. To free joy and allow it to escape back into my life. But he tries to prevent it at every turn.
Do not mistake the stranger I’ve become for who I’ve always been. This is temporary. I allowed him to wear me down but I’m fighting to regain myself.
Do not mistake those who judge me as friends. They know not the emotional battle I’ve endured. And lack the ability to truly see who I am as I fight this emotional predator.
Do not mistake me for a victim. I am not helpless. I am strong and I am brave. I simply allowed myself to become too vulnerable to one I loved.
Don’t judge me, I’m divorcing a narcissist.
It’s not a breakup, it’s shocking and frightening abuse.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
 |
 |
 |
 |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: pawel szvmanski on Unsplash
