Don’t Reconcile With Your Partner Before Doing This

Wehad an argument the day before yesterday. The next day my partner came to me with a whole sheet of paper full of notes.

“We need to talk!”

And I was NOT scared.

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“We need to talk” is one of the scariest things someone in a relationship would expect to hear. But given my partner’s personality, the ensuing discussion was something to look forward to since they have a habit of writing out their points and trying to delve deep into understanding the reasons behind the argument.

Have an intellectual discussion about your argument.

Arguments are commonplace in a relationship. The easiest thing to do after the initial heat is to reconcile as if nothing happened. But one thing I have realized from my past experience is that throwing your issues under the rug will never help.

The issues you hide, will rot, and start smelling bad very soon. It is much better to address these issues and get them solved sooner rather than later.

So, when the situation between you two calms down, try to address the real reason why you had an argument. Find the essence!

It is never ‘You Against Them’, it‘s always ‘You and Them Against the Problem’

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

When you sit down to discuss, treat the problem as an obstacle you have to overcome as a couple. Don’t personalize the problem as a part of your other half.

Look at the problem from an objective viewpoint even if you feel it is a personality trait of your partner.

Most of the time, after discussing you would realize it is a negative emotion like jealousy, or it comes off as a trauma response resulting from childhood abuse or a previous relationship issue rather than a personality trait.

Never hurt your partner during this conversation. Don’t make it personal. Always treat the problem as something you can solve through the strength of your union.

Be Raw

Be honest when you discuss, be vulnerable, and express yourself without holding back.

Tell them if you feel upset, or overwhelmed by their actions. It would help you have a very honest discussion.

Take breaks during this discussion if you must. If you need time to calm down properly express it in an adult way and take a break.

But make sure to come back to where you left off.

Once this discussion is done and you have understood the cause of the argument, half of the problem is already solved.

Now find remedies for them and commit to applying them.

Reconcile and start with a clean slate

When you reconcile, do it wholeheartedly without holding back onto anything. This will help you start with a clean slate, and have no remaining bitterness in your heart. So you can go back to your normal loving nature with them.

If you don’t do this, the unwiped dirt in your mind will gather in a corner, and slowly pile up over time, which isn’t healthy.

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Communication is the key to any successful relationship. And maintaining that during a time of crisis is even more important for a successful relationship to be long-lasting.

Arguments and fights should be used as a gateway to make your relationship even closer. Discussing and expressing raw emotions brings another chance to understand the depth of your partner’s consciousness.

Once you do that, you can quickly reconcile in a pure heart.

P.S. — However this isn’t to say you should always discuss even when you have addressed it continuously and it doesn’t get better. You can always talk to relationship therapists and other mental health professionals if you feel the situation is getting out of your hands.

P.S. — If nothing works, remember it is perfectly okay to break up. But keep it as the last resort when you have totally exhausted other options.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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