Don’t Start Your Immersion Blender Until It’s in the Soup

Life is interesting, isn’t it?

Just when you think you know it all and, according to my ex-wife I do, life comes through with more surprises.

Who knew you’re supposed to wait until the immersion blender is, er, immersed, before you start it?

It’s not like I was given a manual or something that provided that information.

No, really. The manual said something to the effect of, “Not to be used when bathing.” Huh? Who uses an immersion blender while bathing? Well, I guess if the company put it in the manual, someone must have tried, got their pubes stuck in the blade, and sued. Welcome to ‘Merica, land of the free, home of the stupid litigious people.

As you have probably figured out by now(no, I didn’t use it in the bathtub), I have an immersion blender. It’s a neat little thing I used to think only rich people had. You know, to mix their martinis.

Apparently, us poor folks can get them now. So I did.

I’ve always wanted one. They look really cool. Mine is stainless steel.

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I love soup. All kinds of soup. Especially creamy soup. I got an immersion blender to make soup. I found this really simple recipe for Tomato Basil soup, one of my favorites, and the only way my youngest, at 16 years old, will eat tomatoes. He considers himself somewhat a connoisseur when it comes to tomato basil soup. He orders it at every restaurant we go to that serves it, then gives us his critique.

As part of my Thanksgiving meal that I prepared for myself and my two sons, I decided to make that soup. I admit that, in part, it was because it required the use of a. . .wait for it. . . “Immersion Blender. . .blender. . .ender. . .der. . .r.(use echo sound effects here).”

And it was a really easy recipe, too. And it was going really well, too. And, of course, I forgot to get an ingredient, or two.

The first thing I realized I had forgotten was the heavy cream. You need that to make the soup creamy. Duh. No problem, though. That’s what the internet is for. . .among other things, I guess.

To make heavy cream, I learned, you only need two ingredients: butter and milk. Piece of cake, right? Again, the manual left something out. Did you know when you mix warm melted butter and cold milk and don’t “churn” it, it separates and becomes this weird glob thing? Yeah, me neither! But I fixed that by reheating intermittently and “churning” the one-cup solution.

The second ingredient I forgot? No, not the tomatoes. I’m not THAT ignorant, sheesh!

Basil. I forgot the fresh basil. For Tomato BASIL soup.

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So, anyway. There I was, soup’s all done except for the mixing. I’m so excited!

I get out my brand-spanking new immersion blender and put the pieces together. Then, I plugged it in next to the stove, put one hand on the pot and another on the blender and. . .nothing.

Did you know there are two buttons you have to push to get the immersion blender to start? Yeah, me neither. One is, apparently, a child safety lock(not really) that you have to push at the same time you turn it on. Sort of a failsafe, I guess, to avoid accidental activations that could trigger a nuclear war. Or something

Okay. I take my hand off the pot, realize I left the burner on so I turned that off, used one hand to push in the child safety lock and the other to push the activation button, then slowly lower the blender into the soup.

Yep, that’s where it got interesting. You know what happened, next. I’m not going to paint you a picture. Needless to say, there was enough soup on the wall, I could have painted you a picture.

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Moral of the story: There is a life lesson in there somewhere. Oh, yeah. You’ll lose 100% of the time you don’t try. I won that day.

My sons loved the soup.

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Charles H. Roast, first and foremost a proud father of two amazing young men. Everything else is just gravy. Oh, and fortunately, I had some dried, crushed basil.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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