I received the following email from a woman about whether it was too early to spend New Years with the new man in her life. To all the men reading this article, the advice I gave her is not gender specific. It can be applied to anyone who’s in a new relationship, and it extends beyond Holiday celebrations. If you’ve ever started a relationship with off-the-charts chemistry and things are moving at lightning speed, this one’s for you.
I recently met a great guy online. We have incredible chemistry, and we’re on the same wavelength about so many things. We’ve only been on a few dates, and he wants to spend New Years Eve together. I’m not sure if that’s such a good idea. It feels like it’s too soon.
While I really like him, New Years seems ominous, a big night to spend with a serious boyfriend. Since we’re obviously not serious at this point (even though we like each other a lot), is this too soon? Should I go out with him, or make plans with my girlfriends for the big ball drop?
Too Early to Spend New Years Together?
Congratulations on meeting a wonderful guy online. You like him, and he likes you. That’s a big accomplishment, and you’re heading in a great direction. Unfortunately, many people over 40 give up on online dating because of frustration and a lack of success. So, it’s commendable that you kept on dating until you met someone with whom you have a strong connection. And he likes you enough to want to spend New Years together with you. That’s cause for celebration!
Let’s slow down for just a minute…
While meeting a man you like is definitely worth celebrating, it’s also important to not put the ‘cart before the horse’. Like you said, New Years is a BIG DATE. And you recognize the weight of that. Even though you’re excited about dating this new guy, your instinct is to slow it down and balance your heart with your head. Do you hear me applauding you?
Well, I am definitely in your camp. I believe relationships that begin with extreme chemistry have a tendency to crash and burn. Slow and steady, building a strong foundation along the way, is usually the wisest path to a healthy, lasting relationship.
Of course there are exceptions to this approach. You probably know at least one couple who slept together on their first date and are still happily together many years later. So, while there is no one-size-fits-all in dating, one of my guiding dating principles is to beware of instant chemistry. It’s so easy to get carried away and follow your heart (and libido)into a pseudo relationship.
When you’ve been in the “dating desert” for a long time and you finally meet a guy with whom you feel a strong connection, it can seem like you finally stumbled upon a spring of delicious cold water. You want to drink and drink and drink. But you can overdo it and get a little sick from drinking too much too soon.
The danger of instant attraction
If you’ve ever experienced instant attraction, you’ve also probably experienced a relationship that failed quickly. These types of connections usually begin with sparks and often end in a big letdown and heartbreak.
A good way to think of a new relationship is that it’s for discovering, not deciding. In the discovery phase of a relationship, you get to learn more about each other, not decide in a few dates whether he’s the one for you. Take your time and drink slowly from his delicious cup of sweet nectar. Okay, I’m done with the desert/water metaphors.
Jeannie, I agree with you. It’s probably not a good idea to spend New Years together this year. I think it’s a bit premature. New Years celebrations are usually for couples who are dating seriously, not a couple who just met, no matter how great you think the potential is.
Go out and enjoy the big night with your family or some good friends. Or just stay home and watch the ball drop on TV if that makes you happier. If you’re still together with Mr. Fabulous next year at this time, you’ll have no question about who will be by your side to help you ring in the New Year—with a kiss that will make your toes curl!
Have you ever moved too quickly in a relationship, celebrating a holiday together before you were ready? Please share your experience in the comments below. Wishing you a happy, healthy, and love-filled New Year!
A version of this article appeared in LastFirstDate.com