Over Christmas, my brother and I discussed dating — as one does on Christmas.
I talked about my female friends who can’t seem to find anyone and he talked about his male friends who can’t seem to find anyone. To sum it up, both sides think the other one sucks.
And then my brother pulled out his phone and decided to show me the photos of his three friends so that I can say what I think about them.
And I took one look at the photos and immediately said: ‘The first one is a fuckboy who is sleeping with several women at once, the second one would actually commit but he can’t find a girlfriend because he’s short, the last one would date you for a few months and then he would tell you he’s emotionally unavailable.”
My brother was shook. “How the hell can you know this from one photo?”
Ahh…I am the witch of online dating. 5 years. 3 countries. 1 long-term partner. I got incredibly good at judging profiles.
Now, I can’t tell you I know the secret to finding someone online because I don’t think there is one. Because the answer is: It’s pure luck. I guess I personally went on enough dates to randomly stumble upon someone.
However…I do know how to have fun dating online. In fact, I had a blast.
Disclaimer, disclaimer — I am a woman, and I know from all the complaints online and from my male friends that it’s harder for men to get matches and especially dates online. Secondly, I was also okay-looking meaning people hit on me, but only when they are drunk in a club. Lastly, I was in my twenties. Take that as you want.
Have photos where you look like yourself
On top of all of the pressures of going on a first date, worrying that you look nothing like your photos is an unnecessary one. Forget photos that are 10 years old, where you have a different hair colour (unless changing your hair colour is your thing), where you are in a different physical shape, or the ones with seven filters on them (not even one filter is a good idea other than to make the colours on the photo pop).
Also, please ask a friend of the gender you are trying to attract to vet your profile. Have them confirm:
- You actually look like yourself. We are used to seeing ourselves differently than other people.
- Your photos would attract the people you are trying to attract. Men and women (and I can only assume those that don’t identify as either) have different perceptions of what is attractive.
My ideal photos were ones where people couldn’t agree if I looked slightly better or slightly worse in person. It meant the profile was about right.
Don’t bring any surprises (other than how fantastic you are) on the first date.
Show off your personality in your conversations
I have a specific sense of humour and I love debating things. And I made a point of bringing that into every conversation.
I’ve heard a lot of people say messaging people on apps is boring. I would say — it’s boring because you are being boring.
Messaging ‘Hey, how are you?’, ‘What’s up?’ and ‘How was your weekend?’ is basically like cursing yourself with boring dates.
Mention something about their profile. Ask a bizarre question that came into your head. Say something interesting about yourself.
My first ever conversation with my current partner was us pretending to break up after 5 years of dating. I started to play pretend and he joined in.
I’ve also talked about plants, serial killer documentaries and tried to guess their job based on the vaguest description they could give.
Many matches also never replied to my weird questions. And that’s okay, they wouldn’t have liked me anyway. Why wait longer to find that out?
Message first
This one is for all my ladies out there — if you like a guy, message first (unless you are really into traditional gender roles in dating — in which case, do your thing).
Otherwise, what is wrong with you?
You are not proving anything to anyone or playing hard to get, you are just giving other people the power to decide who you will speak to and how much fun you will have.
I have nothing else to add on this topic.
Get over rejection fast
Why people get hurt when they are ghosted or unmatched online is beyond me.
You don’t know these people. For all you know, the person that ghosted you may even be a catfish. But even if they’re not — who cares?
People ghost for a variety of reasons, including those not related to you.
And ultimately, if you are being yourself and someone doesn’t like it — whatever. You only need one person that does.
Avoid anyone who tries to pressure you into anything
Pressuring into seeing them. Sending a photo. Sending them money. Anyone that is negging you so that you’d drop your standards.
F them.
Online dating is all about fast screening. Anyone that makes you feel uncomfortable in your first conversation before you even meet them is bad news.
Avoid anyone that mentions sex before you even meet them
Not even if you are looking for something casual. Unless it’s to establish you are both looking for a fling.
Otherwise, thank you, next.
Get off the app asap
Why are you messaging someone for 2 weeks before you go on a date with them? Who has this amount of time?
Oh but it’s safer. No, it isn’t. A serial killer could be baiting you for 2 weeks, making you feel safe so you’d go somewhere more isolated with him. They have that kind of time.
If the conversation is flowing, schedule a date within the first day or two. Facetime them if you feel unsure.
Ultimately — you can always ask them if they are a serial killer. I’ve done it several times — some sent me their LinkedIn profiles, some Facetimed me, some sent me photos of their socks with little chickens on them. You are looking out for someone who responds well to your concerns.
And then get off the app asap.
Some people suck at messaging but are fantastic in person — but you won’t see that if you wait for 2 weeks because you’ll probably stop replying to them in the meantime. Other people are great at messaging but there is no chemistry in person — and that is more important.
Get off the app. As soon as possible. The goal is to avoid daydreaming about your future with someone you’ve never met in person. To get attached to an idea. To feel like there is too much at stake on your first date.
And if someone seems to avoid meeting you in person — bad sign. Ditch them.
Then once you meet them, you know, message your friends where you are. Meet in a public place. Make sure you feel safe, that you can get home, have someone waiting for you etc.
Be authentic on the first date
The person you are on a date with is most likely not going to be your future partner. This means that there is nothing to lose if they don’t like you.
Use dates to:
- Have fun — talk about the topics that interest you, say things that make you laugh
- Understand if you two are a good match — and that only happens by being authentic and asking questions you want to know the answer to
Otherwise, any date is a waste of time.
Again, if you think chatting to people is boring…you’re probably being boring. A part of my job is to interview people on various topics and I frequently get reminded that every person has something interesting to say. When on a date, act as if you are a detective trying to learn that interesting thing they are hiding about themselves.
If you want to have fun dating, especially online dating which is basically volume over value — don’t expect others to entertain you. Entertain yourself. And then, if you’re lucky — there’ll be someone who’ll love it.
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You can tell me that all of this is not realistic because:
- Women suck and expect men to carry the entire conversation
- Men suck and are all creeps that send you creepy sexual messages
- You are too ugly or too short or too fat or too old to get any matches
- You are a man/woman and women/men only want the top 20%
- There are no women on the apps anymore
- Going on a date with someone you’ve never met is too dangerous
- I was a young okay-looking girl so I can’t fathom anyone else’s experiences
And I will tell you — that’s okay, then online dating isn’t for you.
But for those that don’t want to give up and are willing to spend much of their precious time and energy on online dating — set yourself the goal of having fun rather than meeting the love of your life.
Be you, talk about things that interest you, meet new people and be ruthless with those that have bad vibes.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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