Equitable Divorces Vs Loving Marriages

NON CONFIDENT LOVERS

“There can be no depth in a trusting relationship that lacks confidence. For confidence doesn’t demand performance but trust does.” Christopher Knight Lopez, International Best-Selling Author.

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THE EQUITABLE RELATIONSHIP

Healthy Demands. You treat your partner how your partner treats you. You offer the amount of effort your partner does. You do not pour continuously into your partner and receive nothing back. You agree on terms up front. You both reach an understanding of each other’s Needs and Wants. You ensure your relationship is mutually beneficial for both of you. You require that you protect your peace. You avoid toxicity. You only accept certain standards. If someone breaks your trust you will most likely end the relationship. Emotional baggage is not welcome. You require a certain amount of income for the relationship to thrive. You require agreement on division of financial responsibilities. Lack of appreciation is grounds for dismissal. Financial negligence is also grounds for divorce.

Does this sound like you?

I just described a commercial relationship in business that has nothing to do with a romantic setting.

How many of you thought I was talking about a romantic one?

THE WAY YOU DO ANYTHING

America is very commercial. Americans are capitalists. Americans are achievers. Americans have resounding optimism. Americans are also very much performance driven. Nearly every aspect of American culture centers around achievement.

This creates a performance driven life.

Most define purpose as some action or tangible goal. For a long time the American Dream was to 1) Own a House, 2) Have A Stable Career, 3) Attain Middle Class Status and 4) Have Children. I think marriage was previously viewed by many as simply a means to have children versus have a wife / husband.

IS HOW YOU DO EVERYTHING

Three of the four historical American Dream items were modeled from commercialism. Commercial relationships are relationships of equity. Commercial relationships are not relationships of love.

Let’s model love scripturally. If one ascribes to this description of love by reading below:

‘4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. ‘ [1 Corinthians 13:4–7] (NLV)

Wow. Reading this verse an obvious observation glares out. No equitable relationship conforms to this standard.

EQUITY VERSUS LOVE

Most people enter equitable relationships. Many base their marriage on equity. I did. These relationships are positive. They are 1) mutually beneficial, 2) require accountability, 3) set standards for positive performance and 4) are conditionally rewarded based on actions.

This is a very healthy relationship; however, this is not a relationship of love.

It is impossible for an intentional person to perform all the time.

My personal philosophy of, “The effort is always enough” has its foundation built on love not equity.

The philosophy of equity is one of, “I have standards and self respect. If you’re not meeting my standards, I can no longer be with you. I have to consider the impact of another’s choices and if the impact affects me negatively I must end it..”

Read the latter philosophy of equity again. Now read my personal philosophy again. Which one sounds exhausting? I think you know the answer.

I do not demand results. I do not demand actions cannot negatively affect me. I do not demand boundaries. I only demand effort without regard for outcome. A person can fail every time with me if they are sincerely trying. The results tend to take care of themselves.

In intimate personal relationships I practice acceptance. I do not practice non acceptance of one’s sincere effort because the outcome does not yield expectations I desire.

EQUITABLE DIVORCE

My personal philosophy can sound unhealthy to an equitable person. It can also sound like allowing others to walk all over them. This is a fundamental misunderstanding. You must adopt the lens of love over the lens of equity for it to make sense.

It is not complicated. Choose who to love and not love. Do not love people who are malicious. Do not love people whose nature demonstrates bad intentions. Pray to have God give discernment, wisdom and gratitude to identify people who have good intentions.

Divorces happen so frequently because people focus on results. My divorce occurred because my wife focused on 1) how she felt about my actions, 2) how she perceived my words, 3) my inability to deliver on promises. The exact words were, “This is not what I signed up for.”

Interesting. We all sign up for contracts. Words like these demonstrate conditions of equity.

My intentions were always noble. My words were always selected to convey positive goals. My lack of performance centered on shortcomings but never on lack of effort.

For her the effort was never enough. That’s okay. She saw our relationship as one of equity. The results were worth more than the effort. How the words sounded were valued over what they meant.

Equity results in divorce. Love results in union.

There is no wrong in this dynamic. There simply are two people seeing the world differently. To her credit, my personal philosophy developed over time. I did not propose to her on the basis of love. I did so on the basis of equity. I changed throughout our marriage. She did not.

I marked myself like many Americans do. I marketed myself through equity. I offered a 1) house, 2) car, 3) no bills, 4) emotional availability, 5) children, & 6) priority over all others. She enjoyed one through three all marriage. She received four to the best of my ability. I failed on number five. Number six is up for debate. I think I did. She would probably disagree. Regardless of opinions I am now failing to do all of them now despite my sincere efforts. This is due to my pending sentencing. I cannot find fault in her. My philosophy changed with time. My new philosophy of marriage is quite literally not what she signed up for. The government has seized everything from me. I can no longer perform any of the six items I once said I could. I am no longer useful to her. This does not mean I have no use.

She filed divorce on grounds of inequity. This occurred after I communicated how I would handle potential incarceration. The affect of those words triggered her to file for a divorce. What my intent was did not matter. How she received it was mattered. This held true even after my explanation of intent.

I support, accept, and respect her choice. I have chosen to love her through it. I have done every thing I am capable of doing to leave her in a better position.

MY LESSON ON LOVE OVER EQUITY

One must adopt a scriptural perspective for any of this to make sense; however, there is one non scriptural evidence I have for you. This evidence demonstrates the natural instinct of all humans to prefer love over equity.

Mother loves her child without precondition at birth . Father loves his son to sacrifice himself for him. Brother loves his brother so much he loses his freedom trying to save him from his illegalities (my personal case). Man loved his wife so much he tried even when she said the relationship was dead and not worth trying any more (what I did for 15 months).

The catch? You must have satisfaction even in failure. If you cannot accept failure and choose happiness because your effort was enough…you didn’t love…you just had a conditional feeling based on equity.

IN CLOSING

Going forward I choose to abandon the concept of equity. I prefer love now. Love is the basis for everything for me. I do not want any equitable interpersonal relationships.

I hope my personal story has persuaded you to choose love over equity. It might be more difficult to find but it’s worth it. Don’t seek equity as a substitute for love. It will terminate you when your relationship is no longer equitable. As mine did. Wait for love, it’s worth it.

Sign up for free to listen free of charge to my chapter in “Many Paths To Profit” to read about how I look at things. My dynamic form of observing and reframing will help you to accomplish things like what we have discussed in today’s article. I have a free podcast called Hustle Kick as well which teaches you how to hustle for free.

You can pick up a copy of my international best-selling and award winning book, “I Made It Then I Didn’t” as well for a deeper insight on some of the psychology I use to take me through difficult circumstances.

This article is meant to provoke thought — not argument. It’s a way of opening up the mind to alternative ideologies based on what one reads — not what one hears. The belief is personal and of course I respect everyone’s personal beliefs. I condemn no one for choosing whatever path — as clearly I mean to choose my own.

To Your Knowledge Success!

Sources

1. The life of Christopher Knight Lopez a Professional Hustler turned International Best Seller and Published Author of “I Made It Then I Didn’t”.
2. As Hyperlinked throughout the article.

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Not a form of investment advice. Please consult a professional registered to give you advice about your individual circumstance. This is not formal counseling or a form of psychology. Please consult a licensed therapist or psychiatrist for psychological concerns. Please do not email the author about advice on investing or strategies on making investments. This article is for educational purposes and entertainment purposes only.

About Christopher: Christopher Knight Lopez is a Professional Hustler turned International Best Seller, Award Winner of the December 2024 prestigious International Impact Book Awards — a premier award program dedicated to celebrating and recognizing the exceptional work of authors around the globe and Published Author of “I Made It Then I Didn’t”. He is also a Co-Author with Kevin “The Shark” Harrington “Many Paths To Profit”. See more at www.christopherklopez.com.