Plate spinning through a roster of women is a defense mechanism to minimize vulnerability and maintain the upper hand. Instead of demanding true intimacy, requiring honesty, appreciation, and trust, you protect your heart, pushing away the authentic love you seek.
The struggle of relationships is real. We stretch ourselves, open our hearts, and share our feelings, only to inevitably feel the pain of disappointment. This is non-negotiable, as every relationship from the dawn of time experienced ups and downs.
And there are so many ways this manifests. Whether we can’t see eye-to-eye on important decisions, subject our lover to our less-than-stellar character traits, or forget why we love each other, the ways we feel sadness in our relationships are never-ending.
One may ask, “Is it worth it?” This question is being asked more and more by each generation. Why bother with marriage, commitment, or even relationships when we can enjoy each other a la carte instead? But no matter how much we step away from true love, it beckons us each, man and woman, like an irresistible siren song. The need to connect — to be understood, accepted, and seen — by another runs too deep to ignore.
Yet it is precisely this point that becomes our Achilles heel and our peak weakness. Because when I show how much I need you, I permit you to reject me, to hurt me, to break my heart.
So along comes the Redpill to the rescue with an ingenious strategy to give you the upper hand: “Spinning Plates.” You are the spinner, and the plates are other women you rotate to keep her chasing you, pursuing your love. By having a stable of women you can always call upon, she understands that unless she behaves, you will open your little black book of available women and, poof, be seeing someone else tonight.
The irony here is that, for the most part, it works. Maybe because the traditional dating rules no longer exist, so-called alphas can get away with it. Perhaps some women so desperately want to be loved that they are willing to put up with this threat. Sadder yet is the possibility that there are women who have never been loved and lack self-respect and confidence to the extent that they honestly are OK with this situation. So they meekly take their position as another of his “plates” and consistently put on a good show, lest they be removed from his rotation altogether.
While this is cruel to do to a woman, he also suffers as we can never establish a deep, meaningful connection by using her fear of abandonment as her carrot on the stick. Because I can only abandon you if I don’t care about you, if I don’t love you, and if you are only a means to my temporary pleasure. And this is the opposite of what my soul yearns for — trust, love, loyalty, and legacy. I forfeit all of life’s deeper meaning and purpose because, in truth, I want to be wanted, and I’m too afraid that if you get to know the real me, you might not want me. Hence, I keep you on a leash by playing on your fears instead of facing my own. And in so doing, deprive you and me of growing, changing, and maturing into real people. Men and women who can support each other, commit when it’s tough, extend trust, and the scariest thing of all — vulnerably permit you to hurt me.
No, no, I don’t want that. I’m too scared. What if you leave me? That would be too hard and too painful. You would expose the wounded little boy inside of me who never fully developed into a man. And rather than us moving into adulthood together, healing each other’s wounds through our love, commitment, and sacrifice, I’ll create a fake relationship by spinning plates. And you’re so wounded yourself that you’ll go along with it. And we will both hobble along getting our superficial needs met, never building anything of substance and meaning and never becoming who we were meant to be together. Never allowing the two halves of our soul to unify fully and become one.
At some point, it could be one year or twenty, one of us will wake up and decide they want more — they deserve better. Maybe he will realize that she is only here because she’s afraid to be alone. Perhaps she will tire of never getting his full heart and refuse to settle anymore. But the game will end, and our faux relationship will crumble into the sand it was built upon.
It would be nice if we could embark upon a relationship and stay protected simultaneously. If we could feel confident while opening our souls to someone else. If we could buy heart-break insurance, we would stay whole in case of the worst. But it doesn’t work that way — you have to pay to play, which makes love so dangerous. And rewarding.
While we cannot escape pain in our relationships, we can embrace the journey. Instead of keeping her on a leash through fear of abandonment, we can erect barriers to keep us together, starting with “I’m here, and I won’t leave you.” This gives her the emotional safety she needs to show up fully and the permission to love, commit, and support you through life’s ups and downs. And it gives your relationship the framework and boundaries it needs to blossom into a lifetime of joy, strength, and legacy, which is exactly what you wanted all along. 🙏💚
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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