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Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.
Exploring Sexuality and Relationships
Do you experience sexuality as a place for transcendence and spiritual union, a deep connection? Is it for fun? Is it a space where you can finally let go of being a good, responsible citizen? Is it a place for being naughty and mischievous, where you can surrender and be taken care of? Or is it a place where you can feel safely powerful? These dynamics are present in our relationships and are translated into what we call sexuality.
Hey everyone, welcome back to the Love Life podcast! I know you’re going to love today’s guest—many of you already know and love her. Her name is Esther Perel. Before we dive into this episode, I want to share an upcoming event on October 22nd. This is an online global event for anyone who wants to know how to find commitment in today’s complex dating landscape.
Whether you’re single and keep running into emotionally unavailable people or you’re already in a relationship and uncertain about where it’s heading, this event will provide the answers you need. Join us for practical solutions to get the commitment you want. This will not be just philosophy; it’s actionable advice to help you move things forward.
To join us, go to lovelifetraining.com. You can register there in seconds for free, and I’ll email you a private link for the event on October 22nd. Again, that link is lovelifetraining.com. I look forward to seeing you there, and now, enjoy today’s episode with Esther Perel!
Welcome back, everyone, to the Love Life podcast with me, Matthew Hussey. I have something very special for you today. This guest is, in my opinion, one of the absolute powerhouses in psychotherapy, love, relationships, desire, and sexuality—Esther Perel. She’s a psychotherapist and a New York Times bestselling author recognized as one of today’s most insightful voices on modern relationships.
Esther runs a therapy practice in New York City and serves as a consultant for Fortune 500 companies worldwide. Her TED Talks have garnered over 40 million views, and her bestselling books “Mating in Captivity” and “The State of Affairs” are global phenomena, translated into more than 30 languages. She is also the host of the hit podcast “Where Should We Begin?” which I personally love.
Her latest projects include “Where Should We Begin? A Game of Stories with Esther Perel,” as well as online courses like “Bringing Desire Back” and “Playing with Desire,” which you will hear more about at the end of today’s episode. You can learn more about Esther at EstherPerel.com and on Instagram at @EstherPerelOfficial.
Now, we have the rare privilege of having her here in person in the Love Life Studio. So without further ado, I present to you Esther Perel!
Reflections on Change
Hello and welcome, Esther! It’s wonderful to have you back.
It’s great to be here—thank you!
Five years ago, when we last chatted, I was single. I hadn’t met Audrey yet. It’s lovely to see how people change personally and professionally over time. Have you felt your life influencing your work in the past five years since we last spoke?
Yes, definitely. One way my life has evolved is that it has become more communal. The pandemic and some health issues made the concept of “it takes a village” very real for me. While I’ve always written about it, living it has changed how I write and discuss these topics.
Have you always been sociable and good at creating connections, or is that a skill you’ve developed over time?
I believe I was born with that temperament. I’ve always been a social person and often the creator of social hubs. I love connecting people and find it a fascinating puzzle to match interests. Many in my circle would say they met through me.
It’s like someone who cooks effortlessly; they know how to mix ingredients. For me, relationships are similar. They come naturally.
That’s lovely. I’ve always been more of an introvert, so it took me time to see the value of relationships, especially in my twenties. I was on a mission and neglected connections, but that doesn’t mean introverts don’t care about relationships. They often just replenish their energy alone.
It’s true! Introverts can be deeply connected to a few key people but may not invest as widely. Many times, they take for granted the efforts of others to connect.
I often talk about reciprocity in relationships. Sometimes people assume that it’s enough to say, “We can pick up where we left off” after long gaps, but that can be an excuse not to invest.
Who do you owe a phone call or an apology to? I’ve met few who have regretted reaching out.
It often comes off cold to others, but inwardly, a person might underestimate their effect. I’ve been surprised by how impactful that simple call or text can be.
Engaging in Meaningful Conversations
I always feel I have so much to discuss with you! One quote of yours resonates: “In order to want sex, it needs to be sex worth wanting.” Can you delve into that idea?
Certainly! I’ve asked people if they’ve ever had sexual encounters that felt unsatisfying yet went along with it anyway. Many have raised their hands.
It’s humorous yet revealing; everyone knows an unsatisfactory encounter. Sex has historically been tied to duty and obligation. In the West, however, we shifted that to desire. Now, wanting means owning the desire.
When people say they aren’t interested in sex, I wonder if they simply aren’t interested in what that sex entails. If it’s a boring, painful, or disconnected experience, who would want that?
When I asked if sexuality was central in family life growing up, very few would raise their hands. When asked about taboo or violation, nearly everyone did. This shows that sexuality is often more central than we acknowledge.
Sex is not just something you do; it should be an experience full of pleasure and connection. It’s about deeper emotional needs reflected through sexual desires and preferences.
Sexuality is transformed by imagination. When you focus on pleasure and connection, you really tap into what makes sex worth wanting. It’s about discovering what you want to connect with, both within yourself and with others.
Many people may not understand why they enjoy certain things or why their preferences differ from their partners’. That disconnect can lead to misunderstandings.
Creating Intimacy
You can experience sexuality as a place for transcendence, spiritual union, and intimacy. Is it for fun, or is it a way to escape being a responsible citizen? These dynamics translate into our relationships and shape our experiences.
If you aren’t interested, you won’t be present, and if you’re not present, it won’t be satisfying. We’ve been conditioned to accept subpar experiences, particularly men who feel they must always want sex.
This leads to many situations that are deeply compromised for both partners.
Ultimately, connecting with oneself and understanding desires is vital for creating an environment in which communication can flourish. Many couples lack this connection, and it’s challenging for them to navigate their feelings and express needs.
Self-awareness is crucial. How can people reconnect with their sexuality, especially those in long-term relationships or newly divorced individuals who feel invisible?
To address this, I must differentiate between sex and eroticism. Many people can have sex and feel little. On the contrary, one can have a little erotic experience and feel a lot.
Eroticism is the poetry of sex; it encompasses the meaning we give to it beyond the physical act. Feeling alive, vibrant, and playful creates intimacy.
Successful sexual encounters should not be solely about the act, but about the experience shared between partners.
The Importance of Touch
When working with clients, I encourage them to slow down and connect through touch. For instance, I guide them to hover their hands and slowly make contact, emphasizing the experience over performance.
When genuine connection occurs, it transforms the entire experience.
Before we wrap up, I’d like to discuss your programs. Your work combines profound insights with practical implications. Can you talk about these two programs?
The desire bundle came from the realization that many people read my books and listen to my podcast but want actionable steps. These programs help people engage with their sexuality and relationships beyond the therapist’s office.
The first program, “Bringing Desire Back,” focuses on helping people who feel stuck in their sexual relationships. The second program, “Playing with Desire,” encourages creativity, energy, and fun in relationships.
They include workbooks, exercises, and resources for individuals or couples to explore.
The first program is about getting unstuck, while the second is about bringing back energy and creativity. They allow individuals to engage with their desires on their own terms and at their own pace, so it’s not overwhelming.
I appreciate that your work creates a balance of theory and practical application.
You can find these programs at EstherPerel.com, specifically searching for the desire bundle. We also have a promo code for our listeners: “Hussey15” for a discount on the programs!
Conclusion
Thank you for sharing your insights today! For listeners, if you’re interested in cultivating deeper connections and understanding yourself and your desires better, I encourage you to check out Esther’s work.
Thank you for listening to the Love Life podcast! I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you want to share your thoughts or experiences, feel free to email me at [email protected].
Also, if you haven’t tried Matthew AI yet, you can ask your burning questions and have a conversation with me. It’s amazing technology trained on 17 years of my content. Visit askmh.com to try it out for free!
Be well, friends, and love life!
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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