Even When Coupled, We’re on Our Own

The alarm went off at 5:15 am, and I immediately saw the notification from the airline that my flight was delayed two hours and I’d miss my connection.

I quickly got dressed, grabbed my bag, kissed my girlfriend goodbye. “My flights are messed up,” I said. “I have to go take care of this.”

Back in my apartment, I called the airline and got online and started looking at options. I had to be in Arizona the next day for a meeting.

It was annoying, of course, but just another of those unpredictable situations of modern life. I did what I had to do and got the situation taken care of.

No big deal, right? In this scenario, no, not really a big deal. Nothing more than a phone call and some patience.

I wound up not getting out that day, but did my best to get to Arizona as soon as I could. I worked a full day, went to bed early, woke up at 4:30, went to the airport and was in the conference room by 9:30 am local time.

Just another day.

. . .

What does this have to do with relationships?

That no matter how happy you are in a relationship, no matter the extent to which you support each other, there will be moments, big and small, when you have to take care of things yourself.

When you are the one in charge, when the responsibility falls to you.

Being happily coupled does not change that.

The key here, especially for men, is to not transfer onto our partners too much of the burdens. To be sure, our significant others should be integrated into our lives, should be our partners.

But partnership is not an abdication of responsibility.

While significant others can help us, while they can be a sounding board and an advisor of sorts, ultimately we still own our lives.

Here are just a few key areas where as individuals are still in control.

Career

Everyone’s going to have a crappy day at work, and you’re allowed to complain and let off a little steam. But you can’t let dissatisfaction at your job and with your career become a persistent topic of conversation.

It’s a downer, and there’s little your partner can do about it. It’s your job, after all.

I’ve been all over the map in terms of how I’ve felt about my jobs: from loving it to making the most I’ve ever made to hating day by day to getting laid off.

And I’ve had partners call me out for voicing endless frustration. Quit and follow your dream of writing, said one. Enough already, said another, find another job and just do it already. I was angry at these responses. But they were pointing at the same thing.

My career and my satisfaction was (is) not going to be solved by anyone other than me. I need to figure out what I want to do, and I need to make it happen.

And if I’m complaining everyday because of work, that’s not only going to make me miserable, but my partner too.

Finances

Choosing the right way to invest, knowing how to develop and keep to a monthly budget, knowing how to manage debt, etc. are difficult as is.

But we often ignore the emotional, psychological factors that play into how we perceive our financial identity. We bring a lot of baggage and deeply-rooted psychological history into our own relationship with money.

Issues such as personal freedom, short- and long-term security, risk tolerance, dreams and plans for our future, being serious or freewheeling, having a sense of control or responsibility — all of these influence our attitudes and decisions around money management.

Because there is so much judgment involved with those issues, it is easy to let money stand in as a psychological weather vane for so many larger dynamics of our relationships.

Which makes it all the more critical for you to do what you need to do in order to feel good about your financial status. You can share in the process of that, you can compromise on certain things, but ultimately, just like in career satisfaction, if you aren’t comfortable with your financial path, it will show, as stress, worry, and, worst of all, resentment. A harboring, lingering resentment both towards yourself, and your partner.

If your approach to money is breezy, come what may, fine. If it’s managing and allocating every last nickel or spending an hour online searching for the very best deal on whatever it is you’re looking for, also fine.

And I honestly don’t know if it’s preferable for a couple to have the exact same attitudes towards money, or whether a little difference can strike a healthy balance.

But ultimately your financial position is going to affect you, as an individual, not just as part of partnership.

You don’t want to be in a position where you are dependent on another person, nor put at risk, beyond your comfort level.

Being in love, sharing a house, intertwining your life with another does not mean forgoing your financial identity, even if you willingly turn over financial matters and management to your partner. That is perfectly fine — if that’s what you want to do and are comfortable with.

However you decide to manage finances, both your own and what is pooled, what matters most is that you feel protected and secure in whatever system you develop.

Health

As much as we share our bodies with our significant others, sexually, yes, but also in so many other private ways, like showering, eating, sleeping, exercising, even simply occupying the same physical space so much of the time, nothing is wholly our own, nothing belongs to us individually, as our bodies.

Our bodies are ours alone, both the good, the bad and the many, many things in between. And no one will fully deal with the consequences of our bodies, our physical selves, more than we will.

We can share in the impacts of our partner’s physical realities (like a sickness or limitation), we can empathize with the emotional burden that comes with having a body (like anxiety over health), but only we know, like no one else, what it’s truly like to inhabit our bodies.

So it therefore falls to us, 100%, to manage our health. Yes, there are some things we might have to compromise on: a few less trips to the gym because of a lack of time due to family and professional commitments, a willingness to bend on diet to make everyone happy and not cook different meals at all times.

But even with those concessions, we still all must take care of ourselves physically, and that includes finding the time and making the commitment to do what is best for us physically, from exercise to diet to doctor’s visits.

There is a similarity to managing your health and your career: not doing so can impact your significant other.

If you don’t feel good about yourself, it will show. If you are uncomfortable with your body, it will hurt your self-esteem, and that can impact, in ways consciously or subconsciously, your sex life.

I was once in a relationship where my partner got upset with me for working out after work and coming home late, forcing dinner past an hour she wanted. So I went to the gym less. And gained weight and felt crappy.

Who wins in that scenario?

And if the pushback for going to the gym a lot or changing your diet is you’re being selfish, the answer is, that’s correct. You are being selfish.

Our parents spend years keeping us safe, and tending to us. Taking on that responsibility for ourselves is one of the biggest transitions into adulthood.

You’ll be a better partner if you’re healthy and feeling good, both emotionally and physically. (All of this applies to mental health as well; going to a therapist to work through and handle issues is just as important as managing your weight, asthma and creaky knees).

Presenting your best self to your partner means taking care of yourself physically (and psychologically).

Taking care of your body and health is the ultimate way of tending to your self. No one can do it for you. That responsibility is yours.

Friendships

I think it’s OK for your significant other to be your best friend. And your primary friend. And the friend you tell those things (you know which ones I’m talking about) that you don’t tell anyone else.

But best and primary does not mean only. Friends and (actual, real life) social networks are not optional. We need friends.

They broaden our horizons and make us feel connected, fostering a sense of community. They give us a world outside of our relationship, which allows our relationship to breathe, and also gives us something to bring back to our partner.

And while I would not recommend pursuing friendships simply for selfish reasons, being a part of a person’s life can help us feel better about ourselves. It’s nice to know we bring value to other people, that they appreciate us, that others want to spend time with us.

It’s awkward, it can be draining, it can be frustrating. But we need it. We need connection, we need, however big or small, a community. We can’t rely on our partners alone for social connection. Relationships will strain if the two of you don’t have outlets besides each other. And your partner can’t make your friends for you.

Sex

This might seem like a strange one. How do we take individual responsibility for our sex life inside a partnered relationship?

By bringing something to the table. By knowing what we don’t want, and knowing and asking for what we do.

By making sure we are satisfied, and also by making sure we’re being a good, responsible, responsive partner, so our partner is satisfied.

The goal is to build a mutually beneficial sexual relationship. You can’t offload responsibility for that to your partner, nor can you ignore issues that are bothering you.

In order to prevent the build-up of resentment and frustration, you must be responsible — by being open, vulnerable and honest. None of this is easy. None of this will happen overnight. There is a strong similarity between taking responsibility and/or ownership of your sex life as there is your physical (and mental) health.

It takes awareness. It takes real thought. It takes the courage to open up and talk about it.

Your partner, by the way, will hopefully do the same thing, so that you both share not just in the process, but in the results.

My partner has shared with me her needs and wants, and I’m trying (a bit too slowly, I admit) to get better at certain things. And I’m also working on being more vocal about expressing my desires. It’s not easy to break out of your comfort zone.

But it can be surprisingly empowering to feel that ownership of your sex life, even and especially within the framework of a relationship. To be present and active in determining this part of your partnership will benefit you and your significant other.

The Future

Don’t be a passenger in your own life. Even if you are married or coupled, you, yes you, are still responsible for envisioning your future. For dreaming. For setting goals for yourself.

Of course those goals and dreams and plans can and will incorporate your partner. They better, or your relationship won’t last very long or be very satisfying.

Part of growing up, and part of getting the most out of life, frankly, is being able to identify and define what you want. Within a relationship, most of that will be shared: a family, a house, vacations, your lifestyle.

But how big a family? What kind of house? Which trips? Which traditions and customs?

Working on and attaining goals and making dreams happen is satisfying whether you are single or partnered. Both take your presence, your vision, your action.

You can’t just live for your partner’s dreams. You have to have your own, and you have to want them and articulate them. You have to help shape what comes next.

No other person, not even your life partner, can do that for you. And your partner, more likely than not, will want that for you. There should be goals for yourself, and shared goals for the two of you.

But you must have a say in what the future looks like (and respect the future your partner envisions as well).

Happiness

All of this adds up to you being able to make yourself happy and to never rely on another person for your happiness. They can’t do it anyway. They can add to your happiness, they can be a huge part of it, but the foundation and responsibility for it lives with you.

The good news is, if you take ownership of all the things above, and other important things that matter to you that I might have missed, the rest will follow.

I’ve been single, I’ve been divorced, I’ve been separated. In those times, I realized that there was no one else around who was going to take care of me but me.

That my life, my health, my happiness, was entirely in my hands.

Being married or partnered doesn’t change that.

Being coupled alters your path, it creates a dynamic that is shared and created together, in a way that takes compromise, trial and error, a huge amount of patience.

When coupled, you are and always will be 50% of that relationship.

But you still must bring 100% of your self into the relationship, and while a big part of your life is shared, the only one living your life is you.

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This post was previously published on P.S. I Love You and is republished here with permission from the author.
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