Gregory Jaquet thought his problems were everyone else’s fault but his own. He didn’t need therapy. Why would he?
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She told me : we should look for help, something is wrong in our relationship and we can’t solve it.
She was right. I knew and I told her. But we didn’t do anything at that time. The fear of a complicated explanation in front of a shrink helped us take some small steps and solved some of the big issues for some weeks. But they all came back.
I know she’s the girl of my life. No one’s like her. We share everything and I deeply love her. But I can’t stand some of her behaviors anymore. I feel like she’s judging me all the time. She keeps on mentioning things I’ve done or not, stuff I should have said or not said.
I feel sadness more often than not, I feel drowned by details of our everyday life and I even feel scared by the day to come when I wake up. But I believe that’s her fault, she’s got to change. I make every effort and do not receive any improvement.
We talked about asking for help a second time. And we didn’t.
Then a very good friend came to spend some days with us. She said to my wife: what’s wrong with Greg? He’s not the man I used to know anymore. He panics and closes himself for pointless details and you seem to panic after him.
I don’t know she said. And then she cried. It’s been that hard for a month, I can’t stand it anymore. There are times when everything seems to be perfect, but he is drowning like that once a day and he makes me feel guilty for his sadness. She explained it all. Our friend told her that depression might be on my way.
That was a relief for my wife. And she told me about that conversation in our next argument, the following night. Here was a choice: I could mock it, ignore it and tell what I felt—that my wife and her friend know nothing. Or accept that truth: that my wife and her friend are two people, they know me more than anyone, they share the same opinion, I might be wrong. I did accept it.
Three days later, I entered that shrink’s office with a mix of pride to have made that step so many men refuse to make and fear to experience a never ending pointless talk about my childhood. Before entering, some things had already changed of course. Accepting I was the one with the problem, understanding that problem might be only partly my fault and hearing there could be a solution to it helped me a lot. I was seeing how a lot of bad feelings could be chased away if I started my own path of a cure of something called depression.
Depression is often the the opposite of expression. I hope your therapist is competent enough to assist you in reclaiming your integrity so you can share yourself with your wife authentically. Because you are familiar with “body language” I recommend finding a therapist that is trained in body-centered psychotherapy. You might also appreciate Alexander Lowen’s book, “Spirituality of the Body”. It is through the body that we can regain an intuitive sense of grace….
Thanks John,
Your comment is a bit to complicated for me. Could you explain that more in details ?
Find yourself again Greg
It’s a long hard slog but it should be worth it (I’ve got my own journey to take but I have started it, with help)
Thank you Luke. I had three incredibly useful sessions now. But she’s gone for a month of holiday. Not a good news as my work with her seems to me absolutely crucial. But I have some homework to do.
My life is improving. I’d like it to be back to what it was before I started drowning so often. I don’t know if it will or if depression will still be part of my life from now on.
I’m going through a separation but it’s not the relationship I have been grieving, there are other factors involved. It boils down to I have been depressed for 4-5 years but the cause of that well she has gone and now I’m going through something akin to post traumatic stress, from what I understand I am mourning the bits of me that I lost for so long. As hard as dealing with the roller coaster ride is now I would much rather be going through this then the depression I had. You go from not feeling anything much at all… Read more »
This is a piece of wise advice, very wise. Thank you very much. The interesting part of that difficult moment is how much the therapist can identify simple things I am absolutely not aware of, speaking about me. As an old school man, I tend to think no one knows anything about me that I do not. Realizing it helps me to give her all I feel and let her make the game with it. And that is extremely relieving. I’ll follow you advice about telling my wife everything no matter how embarassing it is. I already did and I… Read more »