When I was in college, I had a finely tuned method of dating. I wanted the intimacy and meaningful experience of a long term relationship, but I inevitably found myself losing interest after a year of dating. So I sought relationships with an expiration date, usually with one partner graduating so that we were both spared hurt feelings when things had to end. My approach towards relationships changed while in India, when I took time to reflect on my approach towards life. I realized that I had invented the inevitable death of my relationships. The real reason these partnerships ended was because I was bad at maintaining them.
Back in the states, I met a girl who was everything I was looking for. I was determined to make this a different kind of relationship, one that was long lasting and deep. I set out to learn how to be a better partner, reading a litany of opinion articles. Most of them said what everyone knows: you need to communicate. While I know I can always improve how I communicate, I wanted some concrete techniques I could apply. Through college and medical school, I’ve been thoroughly trained to look for evidence based methodology, so I looked for what the lab said about healthy relationships.
The early phase of a relationship was always easy for me as it is for many people. Desire is high and you can’t get them out of your head. Over time sexual desire in any relationship will diminish. Humans are creatures in search of novel experience, and with any repeated stimulus we’ll lose interest. However, you can use this thirst for new experience to keep your interest in your partner high. Engaging in new, “self-expanding” activities with your partner has been linked to heightened sex drive, greater sexual attraction towards them and more satisfaction with your sex life and relationship as a whole.
While communication is touted as the bedrock for any good relationship, making the bed rock can actually work in a pinch. Sexual satisfaction has a strong link to relationship satisfaction, and can influence the way you assess your partner’s ability to communicate. It’s also about good sex, not how often you’re getting intimate. Good sex can make up for bad communication, but only as long as the good sex lasts.
Mindfulness is an approach that means non-judgmental awareness. Typically employed in a meditation format, it’s been shown to improve anxiety, depression, stress and pain. It can be applied to relationships too. After you know anyone long enough, you’re going to discover some things you don’t like. And when we find these distasteful traits, almost all of us will try and change them. Instead, try this: Notice when your partner leaves the kitchen a mess (AGAIN!). Take a moment to assess your emotional reaction, and try to accept your partner’s imperfection. Much of our distress and dissatisfaction from these situations arises from a poorly regulated emotional reaction and subsequent attempt to change our partner. Poor regulation can mean stewing in negative feelings or suppression of our emotions. Through nonjudgmental awareness of your feelings, and a focus on acceptance of both how you feel and your partner’s flaws, you’ll move towards a more satisfying relationship.
The body of research on interpersonal relationships is vast, and I’ve only mentioned a few. Remember that your relationship is unique and while some techniques may work for the majority they may not be right for you. Personally I’ve found a lot of value in seeking out new experiences with my partner. Perhaps the biggest lesson I needed to learn about relationships was that they require work to maintain. Being purposeful about keeping my relationship passionate is really what’s made the difference.
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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.
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“Self-expanding in Zion” photo by the Author