I spoke to a friend of mine recently, a working single mom who owns her own company, raised several children alone and gives back to her community in a big way. An individual whose opinion I highly respect and who vibrates at a very high level of love and acceptance of others without letting the wrong people invade her sacred space. She operates a Holistic Wellness Center in Brooklyn, NY and despite her honorable struggle, she still seeks to bring wellness to people badly in need of this insight, expecting mothers in the Inner City.
I asked her “what would you like more of at this time in your life?” Her business is expanding, her opportunities are rapidly increasing, she is buying her first home and still caring for her children and her business without a mate. Her response to me was: “Interestingly enough, I was going to write a piece talking about how women lack a safe space to be feminine, lol.” I thought about that for a minute and even though I always thought that this person was the original barefoot Mother Earth complete with swaying African tempo in her gait, I realized…she was right.
Most women have a lot on their plate. They care for family, they have their own goals and dreams and they aspire to see that all of us, “their family” reach our highest goals and maximum potential. But who looks after the Mother, the main caregiver of love and in this age sometimes the breadwinner, too. Who do they turn to in their time of need and emotional support? If you are lucky enough to be a man residing with a woman as you mate, either as her husband or significant other, you want to check in with her to ensure that she is getting what she needs. Time alone, time with her girls—time with her male friends she is close to, also—time to spread her wings and not be Mommy, not be your girl or your wife, time to be herself. Highly Sensitive Persons & Highly Empathic people need time to recharge, to revert into their own needs, their own psyche, wants, and desires.
Think about the speed of life, how quickly it goes by and how much of her time is devoted to meeting everyone’s needs: her own needs for a job or career; physical, emotional, and spiritual health; her parents or siblings; and her need for intimacy—as well as your need for intimacy; ensuring that the house is clean, ensuring that the family’s dietary needs are met, ensuring that the kids and you are cared for, taken to the doctor when sick or ill; grocery shopping and cooking the food, ensuring the right things are in the child’s lunch box; ensuring that she has something to wear to business meetings and special events that you want her to attend with you; ensuring the family’s spiritual needs are met, whether that is church or some other form of spirituality; ensuring that the kids get to their extracurricular activities like dance class, basketball practice, etc. . . . Oh, and we men want her to look sexy all the time and be at our beck and call whenever our sex drive is activated.
I am exhausted just writing about it and I am sure that I haven’t even covered half of it.
With that understanding, my Brothers, there is more that we can do to ensure that our Queen doesn’t snap. Think about if you had to do all that, do it WELL and do it Every. Day.
You have to execute each task perfectly, then subjugate yourself to the sexual whims of someone you may think takes you for granted. Trust me on this one, gentleman: washing the dishes is foreplay! Want to know what else is foreplay? Try cooking, try picking up the kid without her asking; try giving her a night out with her friends no holds barred; try cleaning the house and any of “her tasks” and make them yours. You will not only demonstrate respect for your Queen’s efforts, she will appreciate you trying to alleviate her workload. When was the last time you went shopping with her to buy what she needs? You did that when you were dating, why not do it now and take her to an early dinner?
Everyone wants to be appreciated, loved and not taken for granted because, after all, we are never too busy for the things that we care about. We make time to do what really matters to us. We are never too busy for our children, then why would we be too busy for our mate? The person who chose us (and we agreed to be chosen by them) to create a life of love and family.
Think to yourself, when did I stop dating her? And ask the next question….would you want to be married to you?
With these things in mind, take the time to “re-date your mate”. Ask her what you can do for her that would give her time to herself, time to recharge and regroup and to stop feeling like a machine on autopilot. Ask her what are her hopes and dreams and put into your “joint life plan” how you can help her achieve them. Never assume that her dreams goals and plans are exactly the same as they were when the two of you got together. Life has changed her too, so make room for that.
Let her know she matters even more so now than when you first started dating her. The payoff is huge in that she will be happy. She will not just be the Mother of your children or your wife; she will be your girlfriend again, the woman you chased, you wanted to romance, engage with and chat with on the phone for hours and hours at night.
Pursue her, don’t assume she will be there for you all the time, but do those things that will make her want to be with you. That will make her want to spend that time with you intimately and share her secrets and hopes with you. Help her make time for herself. If you really love her and value her as a life partner, as a mate, then, it’s your responsibility to ensure that she is also getting what she needs to be whole and the space to be feminine.
One day, watch what she does that you don’t do. Make a list of the things she does then make a list of what you do (Not just outside the house on your job) she works too, and she has another job in the house. I will bet you money her “to do” list is far larger than yours. Show her the list and ask her if you missed anything. Then sit down, lovingly apologize for not doing more, then cross some things off her list that you will do. In no time, she will have the time to be whole, to be feminine, to be present in the now with you. After all, doesn’t she deserve that?
Photo credit: Pixabay