Denver looked at the phone waiting for it to ring or for it to buzz with a message from Olivia. They had been together for three years and he had been hinting at an anniversary trip for the past few weeks. He had also left some brochures of other B&Bs in the area on the coffee table. He had said something one day about how it would be pleasant to get out of the city for a couple of days. He had even requested her to be free during the weekend without telling the reason as to why.
It was Friday night and Olivia just messaged saying she is going out with her colleagues for happy hour. Denver’s heart sank. How could she forget? Didn’t she care?
This is a common experience most people go through, and I have personally noted to be a big relationship destroyer.
Unspoken Expectations are love killers
When we think that our partners are supposed to know everything we want without telling them, we are unfair to them. We are also creating the basics for disappointment and resentment both in ourselves and in our partners.
Denver believed that he is cunning enough to make these hints. To his thinking, these were signs that he wanted to make about his anniversary related plans. But Olivia, engrossed in her own life issues and work pressures, had not put two and two together.
It’s not about being uncaring
I can already hear the protests: ‘But if Olivia actually loved Denver, she would’ve worked it out!’
Let’s be clear: This is not about Olivia being a heedless or insensitive person. It is about ineffective communication of plans and expectations where Denver does not feel it is necessary to explain himself personally.
That is why even the best, loving and attentive partner sometimes says the wrong thing, or does not ‘pick up’ the other partner’s signals. They think for themselves, they have their own pressure, and way of perceiving things. I never really meant it like that. But expecting them to be on the lookout for those hints is rather unrealistic and unfair.
When we don’t clearly express our expectations, we create a lose-lose situation:
We get offended and abandoned when our partner does not fulfill the aspects that we expect from him/her without telling them. The partner is oblivious of why we are angry and therefore becomes resentful. Trust diminishes as we accumulate bitterness for the things which we feel have been done to us wrong. SUFFER from lack of proper communication, and there are certain issues that still remain unaddressed between the two.
It is a sure way to provoke catastrophe that can quickly escalate to the worse.
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Breaking the cycle
If you want a healthier, happier relationship, try this instead:
- Know what you wan and your need in a relationship from yourself and from your partner.
- Telling your partner what you want is polite and your partner will understand this.
- It is possible that your partner has different opinion or different requirements.
- Value when your partner attends to your needs that you have stated.
- You can always take it as a noble oversight if they do not cover something.
Here’s a fact to keep in mind though: your partner is not your adversary. They’re your ally. Coordinate efforts and do not try to counteract one another.
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Let me describe and think about how the situation might have persisted if Denver had approached the matter differently. He could have said, “Olivia, for our anniversary, how about going for a romantic one weekend get-a-way.”
It would have allowed Olivia to directly discuss the topic with Denver, share her opinion, and come up with plans they both liked. Perhaps she would have felt delighted. Or perhaps she would have wanted a different kind of way to pop the champagne. However, they could have avoided all the misunderstandings that led to the hurt feelings in the first place.
However, Denver did not communicate his expectations and thus they were both left disappointed and on the verge of a possible quarrel.
Final thoughts
It is not romantic to expect your partner to know how you feel or wanting him/her to guess what you want. It is wrong, harmful and guarantees that you will cultivate dissatisfaction in the relationship.
Your silent assumptions are not subtle suggestions or love signals. They are time bombs in your relationship that can go off at any time. Decipher them with clear, straight talk, and your collaboration will bloom.
Remember, communication is a key to healthy relationships and thus you are not expected to be a mind reader. Show the need, be vocal, be unequivocal, leave your partner with no chance but to fulfill your needs. Coping with issues with your partner will be much easier in the long run and your relationship will be all the better for it.
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I hope you enjoyed reading. This blog post comes from what I’ve learned, what I think, and what I believe. The named used in this blog post are not real.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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