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How to Get Someone to Open Up

One of the biggest issues I hear about dating today is the epidemic of emotionally unavailable people flooding the dating market. I particularly hear this from women who say it about men, but it can be gender agnostic.

The complaint goes like this: “Matthew, I have met a great guy. We are getting on well, but the conversations stay surface level. I can’t seem to get him to open up or go deeper with his feelings. He can’t even process and register his own emotions until I point them out to him. I just want him to be vulnerable. Why can’t he do it?”

This video is going to show you exactly what men fear in opening up and how to increase his chances of becoming more emotionally available and building a long-lasting relationship with you.

It’s also a bit of a personal video because, in some ways, I was this guy. I had one experience in my life where opening up completely turned me off to the woman I was seeing, and another completely different one that drew me in to the point where I eventually married that woman.

We’re going to talk about the difference between those two moments today.

If you are new here, I’m Matthew Hussey and I’ve been helping people find love for almost 20 years. I’ve also written two New York Times bestsellers on this subject. Don’t forget to subscribe and like this video, and let’s get right into it.

Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.

“I Find That Unattractive”

Many years ago, I opened up to a woman about an insecurity I had been bottling up for fear of it making me less attractive to her.

Her response when I finally said it? “I find that really unattractive.”

She actually said that, and it hurt badly. I had no idea what to do with that hurt because there was no way I was bringing that hurt up to her now.

It created this strong association for me that opening up meant losing my power. I think that’s what so many of us love about early dating: how bulletproof we get to pretend to be.

So that situation went horribly.

Flash forward many years later when I was dating a different person who, during one of our early dates, mentioned another guy in a way that triggered my jealousy.

Looking back, it made me feel threatened and afraid. But back then, all I registered was: “How dare she still be attracted to this tall, handsome, successful rogue from the past?”

I knew that this time I would not give up my power by talking about it. I didn’t want this smoldering Flynn Rider—or whatever his dumb name was—to have any power over me.

So I did what any smart person would do: I became moody, quiet, and ruined lunch.

Then, after a couple of hours of gaslighting her about there being absolutely nothing wrong with me, we eventually fought, at which point she told me I was being grossly unfair in how I was treating her.

Then I called a friend who I knew would tell me I was right to be mad, and his advice was: “Forget that.”

One of the Most Healing Moments of My Life

But here was the problem: I couldn’t get out of my head how reasonable she had been.

Sure, she told me it was unfair of me to take my feelings out on her that way, but she wasn’t mean. She wasn’t shaming.

I started to think that this might be one of those situations where I was in danger of sabotaging a good thing.

When we met up again later that night, she said, “What’s wrong? Talk to me.”

This time I shared how her comment actually made me feel.

Have you ever had an instant vulnerability hangover where you thought, “What the hell have I done?” Because that was me.

My response was to go cold all over again, which is embarrassing. But when she finally got me to talk, I explained that now that I’d said these things, it was going to affect how she saw me.

Then I got mad all over again—first at her for compassionately creating space for my real feelings to come out, and then at myself for foolishly falling into the vicious web of her empathy.

But what she said next instantly brought us closer together and, to this day, remains one of the most healing moments in any relationship in my life.

She said that she didn’t find me any less sexy, that it didn’t negate all of those moments when I was strong or in control, and that if anything, it simply made her feel closer to me—which she loved.

If you couldn’t tell and you’re still wondering, this person is now my wife. Her name is Audrey.

How to Leave Limbo

Nothing about that happy ending was guaranteed.

Had I not been able to share what was really going on with me—or had she responded to my vulnerability with shame or judgment—we would both have sabotaged our futures that day.

Are you seeing someone right now who’s self-sabotaging because their emotional unavailability is stopping them from fully committing to you?

Maybe conversations about where things are going feel like pulling teeth, and there’s so much resistance to calling it a relationship.

I have a free video training download that shows you exactly what you can do in a situation like this.

I had my own mental roadblocks when it came to commitment, but the way Audrey and I talked about them was responsible for getting me out of my own way.

This video walks you through exactly what that conversation looked like and helps get you out of situationship limbo and into exclusivity—even if previous conversations haven’t gone well.

Why Real Vulnerability Scares Us

In hindsight, I never thought I was emotionally unavailable.

And yet, the things I shared most of the time were safe and comfortable—even if they looked vulnerable from the outside.

It’s a bit like when someone who’s made it in business tells you their rags-to-riches story. It’s not really a story of vulnerability. It’s a hero’s journey story about how awesome they are.

Real vulnerability scares the hell out of us because we don’t know if someone is going to accept us after what we’ve just said.

Most of this guardedness isn’t conscious. It’s just part of life. We eat, we breathe, and we keep our scariest thoughts to ourselves where they belong.

This is especially common among men who believe that if a woman were to really know them, they wouldn’t be accepted—let alone adored.

So they keep lifting weights, climbing status ladders, and using stoicism as an excuse not to have feelings.

These men have decided that while women may say they want an emotionally available man, they simply don’t have the capacity to receive one.

One Reddit post asked: “How often has opening up to your girlfriend or partner actually ended badly?”

Many responses simply said: “Every time.”

One person wrote: “Many women I’ve dated in the past have received it with hostility or told me they couldn’t see me as a man anymore.”

This was after opening up about depression and anxiety.

If you’re a man watching this, please know that the right relationship is one that allows you to open up and be vulnerable without your partner losing attraction for you.

That doesn’t mean becoming an emotional burden every day. Women want to feel they’re with someone resilient, strong, decisive, and capable.

Ironically, one of the most attractive things we can do as men is own our vulnerability.

Something That’s Healing for a Man to Hear

For the women watching, a gentle way to receive vulnerability is to understand where it comes from for him rather than judging it at surface level.

When I look back at people I judged while dating, I often realize they weren’t “crazy.” They had been through something.

Sometimes I realize they weren’t acting jealous in early dating—I was simply behaving in a way that made them feel insecure.

One of the things that’s incredibly healing for a man to hear is that it’s okay to be many things.

You love the leader in him. You love the primal caveman in the bedroom. You love the way he makes you feel safe.

But you can also love the part of him that struggles sometimes, feels insecure, or feels anxious about life.

One doesn’t negate the other.

What Makes Someone Feel Safe

If you’re a woman watching and thinking, “I want a man who’s emotionally open, but I can’t be his only source of emotional intimacy,” that’s understandable.

If he regularly falls into insecure, anxious, or depressed states and it affects your attraction or relationship, frame the conversation around what you need.

Don’t say: “This anxious state is weak and turns me off.”

Instead say: “I’m also someone who gets tired, scared, and anxious. I need support too. I need my teammate today.”

What’s special about this language is that it doesn’t position you above him. It positions you as teammates.

It’s far more motivating for a man to hear he’s being a bad teammate than an unattractive man.

One makes him want to show up. The other makes him feel like he isn’t enough.

Receiving Vulnerability

None of this means someone struggling in an ongoing way shouldn’t seek therapy or coaching.

And if the relationship burden continuously falls on you, there’s no shame in accepting that you need to move on.

Just remember: someone who appears confident all the time may still have raw parts. They may simply be too afraid to accept those parts in themselves.

That’s why encouragement and acceptance of vulnerability matter.

And if you’re lucky enough to find a man who’s already vulnerable in a healthy way, it might be worth considering how much time and energy he has already saved you, how much more honest that relationship may be, and how much deeper the intimacy could become long term.

Let me know in the comments if you’ve struggled to receive vulnerability in the past, how you’ve evolved, and if you’re watching as a man, how women have reacted to your vulnerability over the years.

I’m looking forward to reading your comments and being part of the conversation.

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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