Feeling is Power: Yes, I'm a (Hopeless) Romantic

Has anyone ever made you feel like you’re an idiot for falling in love too quickly or believing too much? I find that this typically happens with people who are a couple–but often not in a relationship you would ever choose for yourself. They may also be a bit avoidant. To be clear, yes, I tend to be overly happy when I meet someone I like. However, I am such an optimist it’s hard for me to tune my emotions down.

This morning I woke up and had a chat with a friend of mine to tell her just how excited I am to have met this incredible guy (I’ll write about him soon). He is so smart, and being a ‘brainiac’ person and his brain being so damn sexy, I feel over the moon.

We met in a cafe, we talked for an hour and a half a month ago and that was it my friends, he doesn’t live in London, he has a different religion, background, he’s younger but I was all in. Like any half smart human who has died many times over of heartbreak, I decided to activate my emergency break in an attempt not to jump in head first before I test if there is water in that pool. I looked for the break and that’s when I remembered that I never installed it. I bought it on Amazon during my last free-fall and subsequent crash but when it arrived I genuinely thought I could never like someone new again, so it has been lying in my closet for months and as I pulled it out in order to install it I realized I had lost the instructions manual. But will I need to use it?

He flew in to see me for four days, booked a hotel, and I decided not to be physical with him and to get to know his heart first. After being assaulted recently on a blind date I am just not ready for too much physical contact.

I’m in that weird phase where everything reminds you of the person. Every song seems to be about you, every street reminds you of a moment you shared. You can see their eyes, their smile in your mind. Every time the phone rings you look over to check if it’s them. I decided not to do that loser thing where I change the phone ring for them because it brings me such bad luck but I did consider it. In truth, he calls and writes enough for me to feel happy and not in anxiety mode.

So far so good, he appears to be wonderful, but all of us singles out there know the golden rule: if there are no red flags, that’s a massive red flag. It almost feels safer to spot a couple of red flags, at least then you know what to watch out for, in this case, I am swimming blindly in the ocean hoping there is no tsunami in sight.

Yes, I’m a (hopeless) romantic.

I can’t hide it my friends, and if you’ve been reading my blog you probably already know it. I love the idea that one day, when I least expect it (or so they say because in truth I expect it to happen NOW), I will meet the person who will build an empire with me, and empire made of love and respect, someone who will be there by my side for the rest of my days and vice-versa.

This morning, speaking with a friend of mine, I could hear it in her voice that she simply thought it was stupid that I fell so hard, too quick and too much too soon.

It is true, I jump, I try, I put myself out there vulnerably and I always hope for the best to happen. I have been working hard to trust a bit less, on allowing for more time before I jump in head first, of finding ways not to get too excited about the people I meet but it’s why I’m so good at my job as a coach: I see people as what they would be if they were living to their full potential.

She made me feel like I am naive and too young and like my feelings weren’t true. Her feelings are more true than mine because they are more rare and guarded. The thing is my friends, my feelings are true. My feelings don’t need to be validated by a third party, they are real. It’s not because someone else is scared of feeling that I need to be as well. Each of us has a completely different way of experiencing feelings, of dealing with them, and that is perfectly okay. We don’t need to do this like anyone else and we certainly don’t need to be gaslight by friends about them. We are allowed to feel exactly how we feel.

One Million Dreams

Today I opened my phone and found a song I wrote in 2015 with one of my best friends in the world Andrea called ‘One Million Dreams’.

The song opens like this:

A million questions I’d like to ask

A million reasons why, in the dark

I picture moments we haven’t lived

A million reasons why, we should meet.

A simple kiss or just one word

A million flights towards the unknown

A million dreams, in my heart

A million thoughts for just one spark

At the time I had just met a very handsome American international war crime prosecutor who was leaving the next day for the US and I obviously didn’t know what we could be, but I had one million dreams about it.

Clearly that didn’t work out like, but from that interaction I met someone else whom you have read about in my blog before and briefly dated. You never know where life is going to take you, but I will never let the fear of being hurt prevent me from living my life at its fullest.

“You think everyone is amazing.”

No. I don’t.

This guy I just met, he is quite exceptional. He has a brain that is one in a million, brilliantly smart. Sure, I thought every person I have dated has had something that I thought was a special quality, even if that quality was simply their ability to be normal and balanced.

But sometimes, very rarely, the universe sends you someone exceptional. I’m not sure the universe has sent him for me yet, maybe he’s just an exceptional human who happened to be walking in the same streets at the same time as I am, or maybe we were supposed to meet.

Maybe this is the opening of my own personal rom-com.

I often write about how you can take it slow because I haven’t mastered this ‘dark art’ of psychological safety, but I believe that the biggest power we have is to believe. Believe that we can in fact be amazing, believe that it can happen to us, believe that we are meant for love and that even when we haven’t found our person we are surrounded by love.

Believing is a superpower.

To all of you believers out there, to all those of you who have the courage to go out there time and again, even when your heart is shattered, even when you feel like you won’t have the strength to get up and try again, you’ve got this.

Your vulnerability is your strength.

Your hope is your strength.

Your resilience and ability to never give up is your strength, and when you do find that love that lights up your world and that allows for your flame to burn even brighter, you will look back and know exactly why you are this strong.

As for me, my friends, I won’t pretend it is easy, I am so freaking scared that I like this new special person who has just walked into my life, however, I will never let pain from the past impact my ability to dream and believe.

Feeling is power.

Don’t ever let anyone doubt the honesty, vulnerability and rawness of your emotions. With love, your fellow believer.