Me: I’ve been seeing a lot of guys, and I have a lingering fear in the back of my mind that I am not enough for them, that my educational background and current achievements are not enough. Because they’re ambitious, driven, and highly accomplished, I look at their achievements and feel somewhat insecure.
Psychologist: You cannot use your method of comparison. You are comparing their achievements in fields you are not involved in yet, and you wonder why they are better than you. You forget that you are accomplished in your own fields. People who highly excel in their respective fields specialise in them. Try talking to them about outside their fields; you can see how ignorant they can be. Just because you are an expert in one field doesn’t automatically mean it can easily carry in another. You’ve only just turned twenty. You’ve got plenty of time to figure it out.
Me: For some reason, I cannot respect the things I do. For example, when I write, many people tell me I write well and publish a lot; they even tell me they admire it. But, in my eyes, because it is easy for me to do, I cannot imagine how hard it must be for someone else. I assume that things I do easily must come naturally to everyone, too. I am aware this is wrong intellectually, of course. Yet, I can never feel proud of my achievements. I always look up to people who excel in other fields I have no experience in because I assume it must be hard.
Psychologist: You agree that it is not fair to yourself, right? You are comparing yourself, a beginner, to someone who is an expert. The honest explanation is that your neural network is wired towards the negative. That’s why you have depression, right? In truth, depression is not “cureable”. Depression stays and will come back in moments that it is active. So, whenever you have these thoughts, you have to remember that’s a symptom of a depressive episode, so you should stop comparing yourself at the moment you are not feeling well. So now I’m asking, which version of you are you? Are you speaking true from the heart or because you are depressed?
Me: Probably the latter.
Psychologist: Going back to the boys you are seeing. What part of you are they “feeding”? By “feeding”, I mean that everything we do feeds some part of us. For example, if you want to develop an app or publish articles, there are two parts of you that you are feeding. The first is your pro-social self, and the other is your “needing acknowledgement” self. Now, what part of you does having a boyfriend feed? Why is it important to you?
Me: I want to have a boyfriend because, firstly, I tend to feel lonely despite meeting many people. Because what I’m looking for is beyond the surface level. I want someone I can talk to about serious things and click with. Of course, I can have female friends. But the thing about female friends, as opposed to a boyfriend, is that they will not invest much effort in you. I am someone who naturally invests a lot in relationships, and with female friends, I often find it to be one-sided. I tend to reach out more and be proactive, and I feel that this can only be reciprocated if a boy likes me.
Psychologist: I see.
Me: My second reason is that growing up, my parents always told me that my worth is determined by the person I date. They say if I date a rich guy, I am considered high-value. I disagree with the wealth aspect, but I still internalise this message in things like achievements and accomplishments. Because I am insecure about these qualities in myself, I think that if I date someone whose accomplishments I find impressive, they must consider mine on equal standing to theirs, proving my value by proxy.
Psychologist: Why can’t you achieve this goal by being friends with accomplished people?
Me: I am friends with everyone, so I know how non-exclusive friendship can be. If we can befriend anyone, their friendship with me doesn’t “prove” anything. A relationship is exclusive, so if someone chooses to be with me, it must be because I’ve proven my worth.
Psychologist: What do you mean by proving your worth?
Me: This is messed up. But I see two types of guys. The first is the type to shower me with compliments on dates and already like me from the outset. The second type is to drill me with questions. I know the purpose of these questions — not really to get to know me, but to test me. I know because I also test people like that, too, sometimes. They ask me questions to get to know the way I think, my ambitions, how I work, and if I am good enough for them. What’s messed up is that I disregard the first group and am only interested in the second. In the back of my mind, I consider them “high value”. The harder someone is to impress, the more rewarding it is to get them. If you manage to work for Google, that says something about you because it is notoriously difficult to get accepted.
Psychologist: You talk about dating someone “high value”. What does that mean?
Me: I suppose I want to date someone ambitious, hard-working, and intelligent — essentially, traits that I aspire to have myself. But to be honest, I have a big ego, so what is more important to me than the guy having these qualities is that I have these qualities that are on par with his. I want to be on the same level as him.
Psychologist: I notice that when discussing value, you only talk about the results and outcomes instead of the progress. Remember that everyone starts from a different place. You come from a different culture, background, experiences, country, education, and place of struggle than them. You have different starting points, so you cannot compare yourself to them. So, it’s not about being on one level. But are you comfortable talking to them? When you talk to them, do you gain new insights? Do you feel comfortable talking to them for a long time? Can you trust them with your inner secrets?
Me: Regarding that, honestly, I enjoy dates with — I’m sorry — dumb guys. Because I don’t feel the need to prove myself intellectually. It’s the same feeling I get when I sit at the park bench to watch mallard ducks. I feel a connection to the ducks, with their complete disregard for who you are as a person. All they care about is if you will feed them bread. They don’t care about your failures or where you fall short. That’s how I feel about himbos. I suppose it can sound ableist, like I’m fetishising their lack of intelligence. But it’s not about that. I don’t care that ducks are less intelligent — I only care about how they make me feel. They make me feel that, for a brief moment, I can stop caring about trying to be good enough. They enjoy the moment with me. They have a sort of Taoist wisdom, with their peace with the universe and meditative calmness. It almost makes me want to swim in the pond with them, feeding on bread. I figured it out. I think himbos are practical Taoists, and that’s why I admire them!
Psychologist: How do you envision the ideal dynamic with your future partner? Let’s say you find someone ambitious, hard-working, and intelligent. Where are you planning to go with this? Is it going to be that he walks his path, and you’ll walk your own? Or are his successes your successes? Where do you imagine this heading in the future? What kind of people help you self-improve? What characteristics does this person need to have?
Me: I’d assume they’ll share my values, like ambition.
Psychologist: Okay, assume they have ambition. But if the ambition is for his goals, is that fine by you? So, he knows his ambitions and can achieve them, and he tells you that if you’re with him, you must help him reach them. But he doesn’t talk about your ambitions and isn’t concerned about your improvement. Before, you were looking for someone “on the same level” who is accomplished, has high ambition, and so on. But I think you’ve forgotten that when people are in a relationship, it’s not about one person.
Me: It’s about both people.
Psychologist: It means it’s not just ambition for oneself that matters. What it means is that instead of personal ambitions, your partner should be someone who understands your ambitions and wants to accept that you have something that you want to improve. Now, in your opinion, which is more important for you among these two options? You forget about the interaction and the collaboration. You focus on his qualities as a person instead of your interactions together. Now, those interactions are actually what both of you are creating. You need staff for the human resources department but are hiring IT people. You think IT skills are essential, whereas HR needs other skills. You are looking for someone great at that thing but might not fulfil your needs.
Me: I see.
Psychologist: What I love about my wife is that whenever I call her, she doesn’t tell me that she’s busy. She tells me, “Give me ten minutes. After ten minutes, I will call you right away.” Because she knows that if I call, it means something important. So, that’s why I love her. Not because she is a vice director but because she considers her career and the people she loves important. Now, the people that you are describing so far, the boys that you have to impress and prove your worth to, they don’t see you as a person, right? That’s the problem — that they objectify you. They ask you questions to tick off a checklist in their head like you’re some object they’re buying from Amazon.
Me: You’re right.
Psychologist: I think that’s why you still feel loneliness even though they are around.
Me: Yes. (I take out my phone and write this down.)
Psychologist: The final thing is, I find it deeply unfortunate that you don’t appreciate yourself. Who would appreciate you if you don’t appreciate yourself?
Me: You’re right. I’ll bite my teeth into whatever I’m good at and run with it.
Psychologist: You don’t need to compete on their playing field. You can dominate your own field to the point that they’ll be amazed at you.
Me: Thank you. I’ll see you next week.
Psychologist: See you. Don’t forget to eat properly.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
 |
 |
 |
 |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: The HK Photo Company on Unsplash
