Feeling Lonely and Isolated? Learn To Understand and Challenge the Underlying Causes

Loneliness can be one of the most debilitating experiences for us. It can lead to depression and anxiety and a whole host of other mental health presentations.

From the moment that infants are born they are hardwired to relate to other human beings. We are born to bond. Our very survival depends on it. New-born babies come into the world with instinctual behaviors like the rooting instinct which enable them to locate mum’s breast. The newly born infant attaches to the primary caregiver in a very special emotional interplay. Babies can recognize human faces and within weeks of coming into the world, they know the smell, voice and face of their mum or caretaker. The ongoing relationship that develops between child and caregiver will contribute to an internal understanding that the child develops about relationships in general.

If all goes well in their upbringing, the child will develop into an adult who has formed a secure attachment to the caregiver. This means that they will feels comfortable and safe in relationships in general. However, if there are problems in the relationship between child and caregiver then the child is likely to grow up into an adult with an insecure attachment. An insecure attachment is the result of mum or dad not being readily available to their child or not very consistent in their response. The child learns to either protest more loudly crying for the parents’ attention or to give up and withdraw. Growing up into an insecure adult they will be either very anxious in their relationships or largely very mistrusting of others. They will make predictions about human relationships, for example thinking that people are not trustworthy, not reliable or even worse, that others may wish to do them harm. An insecure adult ultimately bases these predictions on the underlying assumption that they may not be loveable as a person.

People who experience a strong sense of isolation with few or no social relationships often have an insecure attachment style — most of the time they learned that it’s best not to get too close to others. Other people are seen as unreliable. If you avoid others, you avoid getting hurt. Underlying the difficulty in creating friendships is a deeply held belief: ‘nobody likes me’, ‘I’m not interesting or worthy enough’. Lonely people often lack in confidence and self-esteem. They often imagine that other people see their insecurity and therefore reject them without checking that this is actually true.

Being isolated means that the lonely person often doesn’t get enough positive feedback from others to challenge these negative assumptions. So, the vicious cycle cannot be broken. People who are severely lonely often lack encouragement in thinking that they are indeed loveable and worthy of attention. And even if this feedback is given by another person, there is often a natural scepticism about any positive intention: ‘Why would anybody possibly like me?’

If you are very lonely these negative assumptions need examining and they then need to be challenged. Only then can you start developing a more positive relationship with yourself and with others. It’s a good start to look at the root causes of this undermining way of thinking, usually acquired in your family of origin. What did you learn at home about yourself? Did you learn that you are loveable, interesting, funny, clever, engaging and so on? Or did you learn that mum and dad did not have time for you, did not approve of you much or that you were getting in the way? Once there is a better insight into these early experiences and where an understanding is gained a new way of thinking and feeling about yourself can develop. You can then slowly learn to evaluate social interactions with others in a different, more validating and less intimidating way.

If you feel lonely, you often have very strong, idealized ideas about the life that other people may be leading. When looking into other people’s living rooms at night you might imagine a life of perpetual happiness. Looking at other people’s imagined happiness often creates an overwhelming feeling of impossibility; you may think it’s impossible for you to have the life that others have. It does help to also dispel the myth that other people don’t experience difficulties too in their life.

Having gained an understanding into the root cause of the isolation and starting to challenge negative thoughts you have about yourself requires some of this new thinking to be put to the test. This can only happen through exploring opportunities for contact with others, for example by joining a choir or a class, and to slowly check whether other people really react as badly to you as you think they do. You can try an experiment and see whether it makes any difference to you when you assume that other people have the best of intentions for you. Try actively to pay more attention to any signs that somebody else may like you.

If you are severely lonely you may benefit from getting professional help. A therapist can guide you through your experiences and help you learn to challenge thinking, feeling and behavior patterns that get in the way of building relationships.

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This post was previously published on Medium.com.

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