Here’s why knowing how to be vulnerable and deal with feeling vulnerable are crucial to having a fulfilling life…
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See the author’s TEDx Talk on Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shut Down World
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It seems that the importance of vulnerability is being talked about a lot these days. And, I certainly have contributed my share to that conversation –especially in the area of relationships and intimacy. It wasn’t until recently however that I discovered the important distinction between “Feeling” and “Being” vulnerable. A distinction that can make the difference between a life of fear and anxiety or one filled with limitless possibility.
Our Heritage of Fear
First off, no one, including yours truly, likes to feel vulnerable. And for good reason. This is part of our survival wiring that signals physical danger, either known or unknown. The typical response is to strive to protect oneself by armoring up or moving from harm’s way. In other words, fight or flight. It is stressful, energy intensive and purposely designed to not feel good as a way to avoid those kinds of situations in the first place.
All of this is actually quite appropriate if you are indeed in a circumstance where your physical safety is at risk. Where this feeling of vulnerability starts messing people up is when it is associated with threats to one’s emotional well-being. This is when the ego kicks in and responds to any emotional threats as if they were physical ones. Which means we feel the same physiological response as if our very lives were at risk. Given that we encounter threats to our emotional welfare on a daily basis, is it really any wonder we live in a society where significant numbers of adults are on anti-anxiety meds.
I’m not a doctor or psychologist, yet it occurs to me that meds only treat the symptom and do nothing about the underlying cause. The feeling of unease is always there, just lurking under the soft, gauzy veil of medication. Medication that is designed to help us not feel the bad stuff all too often suppresses our ability to feel anything at all. I can say this with some assurance given that I used to be on those kinds of pharmaceuticals.
Medication that is designed to help us not feel the bad stuff all too often suppresses our ability to feel anything at all.
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Here’s what I have discovered about life: there is no one-way valve for feelings. You either are willing and able to feel everything or take measures to avoid the unpleasant (emotionally) threatening feelings. By choosing the latter you automatically block your ability to fully experience the joy and wonder life has to offer.
Managing Feelings of Vulnerability
I regularly encounter the extreme discomfort that comes with feeling vulnerable just like everyone else. Thanks to a great deal of uncertainty in my life (the ego *hates* uncertainty), these feelings can be quite intense and manifest physically often in the form of cold sweats or waves of anxiety traveling down my arms.
However, as uncomfortable as these feelings are, I will not give them up nor hide from them if it means deadening the rest of my life experience. And frankly, feeling these things are a part of life –and from that perspective I welcome them (as long as they don’t intend on sticking around too long).
Here’s how I manage these episodes of feeling vulnerable. They work for me every time and I share them here with you not as “the way”, rather instead providing ideas and insights you may find valuable for your own situation.
- You Are Not Your Ego – by subscribing to the context that the true, timeless, impervious essence of who you are is not your ego, any assault to your emotional well-being becomes less personal and hence, less threatening. This context or world-view is no truer than any other context. I just find that it tends to be far more empowering in terms of dealing with emotional upset.
- You’re Really Not Going to Die – at least not from being emotionally threatened. Just remember our ego tends to collapse the notion of physical and emotional threat as being one and the same. When you start to feel emotionally vulnerable just do a quick mental assessment as to how you are not really being physically threatened. Your feelings are just that, feelings. They have no real power over you other than what you willingly give to them.
- It Will Pass – I like to think of life as a series of waves. Some are pleasant and even thrilling, others are scary as hell. The point is, they are waves; they come and go –always. So, whatever you are feeling now, no matter how unpleasant or uncomfortable, it will pass. Believe me I know what it’s like to experience the depths of anxiety thinking it will never go away, but it always does. And, I also know it will return, time and time again. However, at least I am now well-equipped to deal with it when it does.
Being Vulnerable is the Doorway to Living Life Fully
So, how is Being vulnerable any different than Feeling vulnerable? Being vulnerable simply means you show up authentically with no pretense or protective “armor” and with the willingness to feel everything life throws your way. This opens you up to possibilities and experiences that would otherwise be unavailable when one hunkers-down to protective or combat mode.
Now here’s where it gets interesting. Just because you genuinely show up as being vulnerable, doesn’t mean you feel vulnerable. They are two very different things. Likewise, feeling vulnerable doesn’t mean you are showing up as being vulnerable. In fact, for most people it is quite the opposite. The moment they start feeling vulnerable, up comes the armor and they shut down to protect themselves from any further potential violation to their “self” (i.e. ego). Of course, this is the very antithesis of what it means to be vulnerable. And, I believe it is the source of our prevalent cultural emphasis of equating vulnerability with weakness. Whereas the willingness to be vulnerable is the very definition of strength.
Just because you genuinely show up as being vulnerable, doesn’t mean you feel vulnerable. They are two very different things.
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Living in the moment and being vulnerable affords us an experience of life that is rich, exciting and full of unexpected possibilities. It is the only way I know of feeling fully alive, which means feeling everything. As long as we have an ego we cannot escape the discomfort or even pain that occurs when we feel vulnerable. However, as conscious human beings, we have the power to manage and transcend these feelings so they no longer have the ability to rob the joy from our life.
So yes, the willingness to be vulnerable is perhaps one of the most powerful choices an individual can make. In making that choice you finally break free from those ancient invisible chains forged of fear that have caused so much pain and suffering. And in so doing you cross the threshold to a life being lived to its fullest.
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Image: DepositPhotos.com