September brings my annual ritual of brushing up on the basest college football knowledge for use in conversation.
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I haven’t the slightest interest in college football.
What can become difficult, though, is that my disinterest makes me somewhat of a male pariah come Fall.
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Sure, I’ll sit down with friends and watch a game if need be, but you won’t find me independently seeking out a tailgate or calling my Saturdays “Game Day.”
No disrespect at all intended to those who enjoy and/or play the sport. It’s just not my thing. What can become difficult, though, is that my disinterest makes me somewhat of a male pariah come Fall. In fact, in the past I’ve been downright excluded from conversations because I didn’t know anything outside of the rules of football.
What I have done to counter the issue is spend about 10 minutes prior to Labor Day bringing myself up to speed with the basest collegiate football knowledge.
For those men like me, here’s what you’ll need to survive for the Fall.
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Base Knowledge:
If traveling on Game Day, know the closest team’s colors. I’m not fully equating it to wearing gang colors in the wrong part of town, but …
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The acronyms SEC & ACC are only important depending with whom you are speaking. The same goes for Big 10, Big 12, and Pac 12. It’s best to avoid these if at all possible for fear of hurt feelings.
Know your slogans: “We Are” (Penn State), “Roll Tide” (Alabama), “War Eagle” (Auburn), etc. This is a relatively easy Google search.
If traveling on Game Day, know the closest team’s colors. I’m not fully equating it to wearing gang colors in the wrong part of town, but …
If you like to stir up trouble, abide by the following formula:
- Your friend likes Alabama, you talk about Auburn
- Your friend cheers for THE Ohio State, tell him THE University of Michigan is better
- Your friend is an OU fan, throw them the Longhorn hand sign via Instagram
- Your friend attended the Naval Academy, thank him for his service and tell your Army friend the same
This year will mark the introduction of the College Football Playoff. Something about a 13-person committee and four teams. That said, fans will still be pissed with rankings, unless their team is ranked number one. Do not ask about how teams are ranked. If you say the words AP, Harris, or BCS, you’ll gain yourself a few seconds to run away. Otherwise, know that Florida State is currently ranked #1 in most polls.
Fun facts for your arsenal:
The Navy football team has a new set of uniforms that indicates rank with a symbol on the shoulder.
Everett Golson is back at Notre Dame after repenting for academic transgressions. All it took was a few Hail Mary’s (ha … ironic football joke!)
South Carolina was defeated already in Week 1 by Texas A&M. This, apparently, is a big deal. Don’t mention Johnny Manziel unless you want to look stupid. Even worse, don’t chuckle when hearing or saying Gamecocks.
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Happy football season to all! If anyone needs me, I’ll be watching Manchester United.
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Image credit: Monica’s Dad/flickr