“Fighting” for Love — Arguments Are a Necessary Part of Lasting Love

It’s true that quarrels and arguments can be an unpleasant but necessary aspect of a close relationship. While disagreements and conflict can add stress and difficulty to a partnership, working through disputes in a constructive way can ultimately strengthen the bond between two people. It is definitely an essential step to a deeper understanding of each other.

When you first start dating someone, it’s common to present an idealized version of yourself. You go out of your way to being accommodating, hiding your flaws and faults. As the relationship progresses and comfort levels increase, these facades start to crumble, and your true self begins to show through. For a relationship to last in a genuine, long-term way, it’s vital that you both accept each other as you really are, flaws and all, instead of clinging to unrealistic expectations.

This doesn’t mean there won’t be sources of disagreement or frustration. Two people, no matter how compatible, will not see eye to eye on everything or react in the same way to every situation. There are certain types of arguments that tend to be particularly distressing or unproductive for many people, such as:

When we refuse to apologize or acknowledge mistakes.
Not saying “sorry” can make the other feel uncared for or disrespected, even if the dispute itself is relatively minor. Admitting errors and expressing regret for the impact shows you value your partner’s feelings, however, not many people could do this when arguments occur.
When we get defensive, refuse to listen.
Stonewalling, yelling, or insulting in response to complaints creates hurt and damage. It’s important to remain open to listening and understanding your partner’s perspective, even if you don’t agree. Responding with hostility will likely only make tensions worse.
When we bring up past grievances instead of focusing on the current issue.
Dragging in old disputes or accusations makes us feel like the relationship’s problems are insurmountable. Deal with one disagreement at a time, then working on forgiving and moving forward in a constructive way would always be the best choice.

Part of learning to live together long-term is developing skills to handle conflict in a productive, non-damaging way. Some tactics for resolving quarrels in a healthy manner include:

As mentioned before, focus on one issue at a time.
Instead of bringing in unrelated points or accusations. Deal with the current dispute calmly before moving on to anything else. No one can deal with all problems at one time, especially when in a love relationship.
Listen to the other’s perspective.
Even if you don’t agree, make an effort to understand their reasoning and feelings. Looking at the situation from their point of view can help in finding common ground. He/She is not any other person but the one you love, so listen with an open mind, then you may finally get the answer on how to solve the argument.
Be respectful in how you communicate.
No insults, criticize the behavior, not the person, and use “I” statements. Speak in a constructive tone, not an attacking one.
Compromise when possible.
You two will be together for a long time, probably forever, right? Are there any problems that matter more than your partner? Being willing to meet in the middle of a resolution can satisfy both parties at least partially. Not every argument needs a clear winner and loser.
Take a break.
If tensions escalate, take a break and come back to the discussion later when you’re both calmer. Time to cool off can help prevent hurt feelings from building and reconsider your positions with a level head.
Focus on the present and future, not the past.
Once an issue is resolved, work on forgiving and moving forward instead of holding onto resentment over things that can no longer be changed.

While quarrels can be difficult and emotionally taxing, each dispute navigated in a healthy way strengthens a couple’s ability to handle challenges and ultimately brings them closer together.

A relationship without any disagreements may seem appealing in the short term, but this lack of authenticity and ability to address problems may cause bigger troubles down the line! As the saying goes, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” With care, commitment, and practice, quarrels don’t have to kill a relationship — they can make it stronger.

Time to share with your partner!

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***