Ask Wendy: Dating, Sex & Relationship Advice for the Bold
Hey Wendy,
My husband and I get along most of the time but when we disagree about something, boy, can it get ugly. Our fighting can last for days and sometimes we just give up with unresolved problems and more pain.
I keep hearing we should “learn how to fight.” What does that mean and can you teach me how?
Patricia E.
_______
Hey Patricia,
I don’t fight with my partner, which doesn’t mean we don’t have any problems; it just means we’re kinda weird.
We’re both dedicated to harmony and peace in our home, and fighting doesn’t create either of those things. So, the short answer is: that asking me how to fight well is like asking the nerdiest kid on the playground how to win a boxing match.
So instead, I’ll teach you how to not fight at all. And if that’s not your style, I’ve enlisted the help of a leading expert, John Gottman to help you fight fair. He is a super-smart psychologist and researcher who’s been studying couples and how they communicate. He can predict with stunning accuracy if couples will stay together or not simply by watching them fight, so that part will come at the end. But let’s start with…
Why People Fight
I hear you with the “unresolved problems” and pain. Understanding where to look might be helpful in a resolution.
In my experience, there are two reasons that people fight:
The first: Someone did something or didn’t do something that’s in direct conflict with something you need or is an offense to a standard, moral, or strongly held belief you hold.
For example, let’s say you need an orderly home — your standard is spotless and sparkly clean. Your husband walks into your pristine kitchen, pulls out the sandwich press, bread, cheese, ham, etc., and makes himself an epic Monte Cristo sandwich. In doing so, he doesn’t put anything away; he leaves out the dripping sandwich press creating gross grease streaks across your previously-clean counter. He flings crumbs everywhere, and you watch in horror as bits of melted cheese ooze into the cracks. “What an inconsiderate asshole!”
The second reason for a fight might be a belief you have. He said or did something (or didn’t say or do something) because he doesn’t love you, care about you or respect you enough to act right. I mean come on; clearly, he must not care or respect you or your time if he’s going to destroy the kitchen that way.
You see it, right?
How Not to Fight
Okay, married person. Let’s turn this around.
We’ll assume you picked this man to be your husband because he is cute! But also because he’s a good man, and generally, he means well. And he does love, care and respect you.
He’s the type of guy who can say, “Yep, I messed up.”
He’s someone who didn’t annihilate your kitchen out of contempt for you but instead, he was just hungry. He loves, cares, and respects you, and the crumbs left behind aren’t against you.
Is he that person?
Because if he is, you don’t have to fight or blame. Instead, say something like:
“Wow! Epic sandwich. Hey, there’s something I need from you. Will you please restore the kitchen to how it was (which was spotless) before this sandwich-making thing happened?”
When you can (calmly) talk about what you need with a person who means well, you’ll likely get a, “Whoops, my bad. Sorry about that. I’m on the cleanup right after I finish this delicious sandwich.”
When you take blame out of communication and replace the “you did__” with “I need __”, there’s no need to fight or be defensive.
I want to give you a visceral experience of this. Feel in your body what your reaction might be if I said this statement to you:
“You insensitive jerk! How could you do this to me? It took me two hours to clean the kitchen this morning and you totally wrecked it. Clearly, you don’t appreciate me or respect what I do around here.”
How does that make you feel?
Now, how do you feel in your body when you receive this statement from me:
“Hey, that sandwich looks epic! But the kitchen… I cleaned it spotless this morning and I need it to be returned to its original state. Will you do that, please?”
Which statement inspires cooperation?
Remember, crumbs aren’t personal.
Don’t Sweep Crumbs Under the Rug
And before we move on to fighting fair, I want to recognize that there are times when we are so triggered or pissed off that there’s no way we could say the thing nicely.
In this case, how we handle it in the Newman-Pierce household is we say nothing at the moment. And if the other person sees an upset face and asks, we have a mutual understanding that “I can’t talk about it right now.” is a perfectly acceptable answer — no questions asked.
We talk when we’re ready.
And once a month, at the full moon, we also have a little ritual. We ask each other sixteen questions (back and forth) that act as the light housekeeping in our relationship. Questions like, “Is there anything you’re putting up with to maintain peace around the house?” You can grab my list of 16 questions here.
This is the time we can handle any misunderstandings, where we can ask for what we need from each other, and it’s a time to honor and appreciate each other for all we do throughout the month. It’s basically catching any stray crumbs so they don’t get swept under the rug.
Not once in nearly ten years has there been a fight. And why? Because I’m with someone who has high integrity, who means well, and who loves me. And he’s with someone who has high integrity, who means well, and who loves him. I hope you two have that powerful combination of attributes in your relationship because it’s the glue to a happy life; and if one of those suckers goes missing? Yeah, you’ve got real trouble in your relationship.
Still Think You’ll Fight?
Let’s look at what not to do. There are four consistent elements of discord that lead couples to break up based on how they fight. Consider removing these from your repertoire — they’re below the belt:
- Criticizing: “You’re such an idiot!” or “You never___”
- Contempt: Belittling, judging harshly, being unkind
- Shifting the blame and defensiveness: “If you would have ___ then I wouldn’t have ___”
- Shutting them out: Not talking, shutting down, withholding information
Fighting sounds like a drag. And I just find that when you’ve picked someone who means well, who has high integrity, and who loves you, fighting isn’t really needed.
Many people will take tumultuous discord over peace. They think peace is super boring; but if you’re down to try it the other way, I’m here to report, that life without fighting is pretty fucking great.
If you feel you need a deeper dive into how to consistently be happy in your relationship, check out my DIY relationship course called, wait for it… Happy in Love. Fluffy title, I know. But it’s a real, substantive, and meaty workshop that will undo a lot of what our culture has done to you.
Good luck!
. . . .
Wendy Newman is a relationship expert who’s led hundreds of workshops and revolutionized the lives of over 78,000+ women internationally.
You can find her workshops and tools at WendySpeaks.com
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Afif Kusuma on Unsplash