Welcome once again to Figuratively Speaking.
I’m your host, Cody Cantwell, and today we’ll be playing
Complete the Metaphor. Meet today’s contestants.
From Rapid City, South Dakota, a forensic pathologist,
Deborah Greaves.
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE
Cheers, Cody.
From Albany, Georgia, a carpenter,
Forest Ridwell.
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE
Hi, Cody.
And from New Orleans, Louisiana, a Wiccan priestess,
Sophie Santos.
TENTATIVE AUDIENCE APPLAUSE
Blessings, Cody.
Today we will be competing for an expense paid trip for two
to the beautiful Maldive, Islands. (SCREENSHOT:
aquamarine sea, coral reef, palm trees, geckos)
AUDIENCE OOHS/AHS
At an elevation of 6.5 feet above sea level, we
here at Figuratively Speaking felt it necessary
to move this once-in-a-lifetime experience up our prize list.
Next week’s winner will be going to Miami.
AUDIENCE MOANS
Now for today’s metaphor.
For many centuries the devastating effects of lightning
were considered to be the results of the supernatural.
As a result, church bells were rung to ward off bolts.
“The tones of the consecrated metal repel the demon
and avert storm and lightning,” wrote Saint Thomas Aquinas.
And despite the fact that in one thirty-five-year period
three hundred eighty-six German churches were struck
and more than one hundred bell ringers were killed,
church bells kept ringing.
AUDIENCE OOHS/MOANS/SNICKERS
Complete the metaphor, Deborah.
Sure, Cody. Despite all evidence to the contrary,
there are many who refuse to social distance, wear masks,
and/or agree to the COVID vaccine. Meanwhile,
more than seven hundred thousand Americans have died.
TENTATIVE AUDIENCE APPLAUSE/BOOS
Downer, Debbie. But before we give Forest a crack,
let’s hear from the good folks at Boehringer Ingelheim.
Be the person your dog deserves.
Heartgard with ivermectin.
When worms don’t have a prayer.
Prayerful worms. Personification? Oxymoron?
Help me out, audience.
AUDIENCE MUMBLES
Got it. Now, Forest Ridwell,
what do you compare bell-ringing lightning-busters to?
Well, Cody, much as I hate to admit,
they remind me of the past election. My guy lost.
Plain as night and day. Give it the (bleep) up.
Why beat a dead horse is what I say.
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE/CHEERS/BOOS
Completing the metaphor with idioms—
nicely done, Forest. And finally, Sophie Santos.
Global warming, Cody. In spite of all we know,
despite hurricanes, forest fires, and melting glaciers,
we treat our mother like there’s no tomorrow.
As William Shatner said, “The covering of blue is the sheet,
this blanket, this comforter of blue that we have around . . .
And there is Mother and Earth and comfort.”
Yet we keep destroying her blanket.
TENTATIVE AUDIENCE APPLAUSE/BOOS
Destroying her blanket. I like that. Paradox?
But Sophie, maybe there is no tomorrow.
TENTATIVE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER/BOOS
We’ll return after a short message.
Take an excursion in the new 5.4 liter, V10
Ford Excursion, the largest SUV in our line.
Spend the time that you have left in style
(rated 10 – 13 mpg, but who cares?).
We’re back.
And this is Cody Cantwell thanking you for joining us.
Please go to @figurativelyspeaking
and vote for Sheila, Forest, or Sophie.
The winner will be announced next week—
if there is one (AUDIENCE TITTERS)—
when we will be playing
Don’t Cry for me Onomatopoeia, since,
as everyone knows,
there is much to cry about.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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