Finding a Partner Isn’t Romantic, It’s Nerve-wrecking and Exhilarating

Why is it that we’re always so excited when we have news to share about a great date or meeting someone new? Is it really the goal in life to find someone to share life with? What if we get our hopes up too high and, after several disappointments, don’t want to find someone at all?

Nobody hates love. We all want love and affection. But at what cost?

Although it’s never been simpler to connect with other singles, I’ve discovered that dating isn’t about meeting people at all for some people. And perhaps this is why, although the odds of finding a partner are better than ever owing to dating apps, people are nonetheless more likely to be alone. Furthermore, we adopt a rejection attitude while scanning through numerous profiles. The more we swipe, the lower our contentment with photographs and our perception of dating success becomes.

When dating is more like a job interview.

Before I met my boyfriend, my dating life was all over the place. I wasn’t sure what I wanted from a relationship. I had no clue where my life should go and was completely overwhelmed with deciding.

No wonder I had a slue of awkward dates with weird guys I couldn’t relate to. Basically, the chaos that was my dating life reflected the chaos my mind was in. Was I dating for the sake of it? Yes, I guess I was. And to be honest, I hated the fact that out of all my siblings, I was the only one showing up by myself. At some point, I couldn’t take the stupid questions anymore. I didn’t want to elaborate on why I was single; I didn’t want to talk about my flings and other non-relationship that didn’t lead to anything.

Actually, I was at a point where I was certain I’d stay single forever — something I was perfectly fine with. Most of the time, at least. But then again, I had these moments asking myself if I had done something horribly wrong. But most days, I took it in strides, laughing and joking about my dating misfortunes.

The only failed dating attempts that really made me miserable were the ones where on paper, the guy I was dating seemed awesome but later turned out to be less-than. Eric, a guy I met on yet another dating app, was the perfect example of this. I looked at Eric’s pictures repeatedly, and we had the funniest discussions together. We wrote to each other with pleasure and a lot and even had a great call. Everything was going smoothly.

That was until we met in real life. Now, Eric didn’t cheat with his pictures; he is handsome. Actually, he is one of the best-looking yet most selfish guys I’ve ever met. I can handle a lot of things, but what never works for me are people who don’t care about the personal boundaries of others. I have never met a woman who likes to get dick pics. Yet, Eric sends them at any time of the day.

Oh, and then there was the philosopher. A great conversationalist, not a great lover, and definitively not my next partner. I felt so bad for breaking this guy’s heart. However, it felt more like he was not really into me either — he just desperately wanted a girlfriend. I wasn’t going to be his first girlfriend, so he started crying and feeling sorry for himself. See, I really wanted to be nice about the whole thing; dating isn’t easy — however, it felt like I had to put up with his insecurities and almost felt pressured in a way to have a relationship with him for the sake of his longing for one. It is my business as to why I don’t see a future with him since dating is a phase in which people find out if they see a future in a relationship. He could have accepted my decision without blaming me.

Let’s be honest, how many of our acquaintances lead to nothing? Exactly.

According to scientists in Geneva, the disappointment of a perfect candidate turning out to be less-than is painful and can have long-term effects. Going out on horrible dates repeatedly re-wires our brain. We become more cautious and less likely to trust people. And although, in the end, I was lucky enough to find someone truly great, I had to stop actively seeking dates. The whole experience made me tired, disillusioned, and, quite frankly, frustrated.

However long the journey is, it’s not romantic.

I don’t like to hear the statement from happy couples anymore, saying that you find love when you stop looking for it. Although I am already inclined to affirm this after my experience, it doesn’t help anyone. It must be allowed to say that it is not a bed of roses this whole dating.

Being passed from disappointment to disappointment, always not quite being the right one, and finally questioning yourself is real. It’s taken me a long time to be reconciled to my experiences. Maybe that’s what is meant by not looking anymore. Just accepting that something happens to you, again and again, that is not okay, and still loving yourself for who you are. Therein, I think today, lies the strength to get back up and say: I am awesome, and what you see is what you get.

Better alone than to make something that does not fit, fit.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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