Finding Balance in Relationships

Love is often portrayed as the ultimate goal, the thing that will complete us and fill the void in our hearts. From movies to books to dating apps, the pursuit of love is everywhere. Yet, for many, relationships become a source of pain, disappointment, and confusion.

Why does something so deeply desired often lead to heartache? And how can we approach love in a way that brings fulfillment rather than frustration?

The Romantic Ideal vs. Reality

We’re surrounded by stories of love as a grand adventure, a battleground of risk, hope, and passion. These narratives often suggest that finding “the one” will solve all our problems and make life worth living. But the reality is far more complicated.

Once in a relationship, many people find themselves grappling with unmet expectations, hurt feelings, and the exhausting mental gymnastics of trying to make things work. It’s not uncommon to ignore red flags or convince ourselves to stay in situations that aren’t truly fulfilling. This disconnect between the romantic ideal and reality can leave us feeling lost and disillusioned.

The Asymmetry of Love

One of the key challenges in relationships is the asymmetry of expectations. Historically, societal norms have shaped how men and women view love and their roles within it. Men are often encouraged to see love as one part of their lives, alongside career ambitions and personal goals. Women, on the other hand, have been socialized to view love as their primary purpose, often at the expense of other aspirations.

This imbalance can create tension. Men may seek partners who inspire and challenge them, yet still fit into a supportive role. Women, meanwhile, may feel pressured to prioritize their relationships above all else, sometimes losing themselves in the process. These dynamics, though rooted in tradition, continue to influence how we approach love today.

The Danger of Seeking Salvation in Love

It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that love will save us — that another person can fill our emotional voids and make us feel whole. But relying on someone else for our happiness is a risky proposition. As humans, we all have our own insecurities, fears, and flaws. Expecting a partner to fix our problems or complete us is not only unfair to them but also sets us up for disappointment.

This idea is echoed in the work of thinkers like Simone de Beauvoir and Ernest Becker. Becker, in particular, argued that in an increasingly secular world, we’ve turned to romantic relationships to fulfill our need for meaning and belonging. But placing such a heavy burden on another person often leads to resentment, boredom, or a sense of emptiness.

Two Sides of Unhealthy Love

Unhealthy relationships often fall into one of two categories: narcissism or devotion.

Narcissism occurs when one partner sees the other as a supporting character in their own life story. They may enjoy the validation and encouragement their partner provides but fail to truly see or appreciate them as an individual. This self-centered approach can leave the other person feeling neglected and unimportant.

On the flip side, devotion involves losing oneself entirely in the relationship. The devoted partner prioritizes their loved one’s needs and desires above their own, often sacrificing their identity in the process. While this may seem selfless, it can lead to an unhealthy dynamic where one person holds all the power, and the other feels increasingly invisible.

Both narcissism and devotion stem from a lack of self-awareness and an inability to balance self-interest with mutual care. Neither approach fosters true connection or lasting happiness.

The Path to Ethical Love

So, what does a healthy relationship look like? According to Simone de Beauvoir, the key lies in ethical love — a balanced approach where both partners support each other without losing themselves.

Ethical love is about walking side by side, not leading or following. It’s about giving without sacrificing your own identity and respecting your partner’s individuality. In this kind of relationship, both people encourage each other to grow and thrive, free from unrealistic expectations or the need to control.

This doesn’t mean love is always easy or perfect. Conflicts and challenges are inevitable. But in a healthy relationship, both partners are committed to navigating these difficulties together, with mutual respect and understanding.

Love as a Shared Journey

At its core, love is a shared journey. It’s not about finding someone to complete you or make you whole. Instead, it’s about two individuals coming together to support, challenge, and inspire each other.

This idea applies to all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones. Whether it’s friendship, family, or partnership, the principles of ethical love remain the same: mutual respect, equality, and a commitment to each other’s growth.

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Love is one of the most profound and complex aspects of the human experience. It has the power to bring immense joy and fulfillment, but it can also lead to pain and disappointment. By understanding the pitfalls of unhealthy dynamics and striving for ethical love, we can build relationships that are truly meaningful and enriching.

As we navigate the ups and downs of love, let’s remember that the goal isn’t to find someone who makes us whole but to walk alongside someone as we both grow into the best versions of ourselves. Love, after all, is not a destination — it’s a journey worth taking together.

Thank You for reading 🌼

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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