Finding Your Mark

Society has a set of criteria that it uses to define what it means for a man to leave his mark on the world. We tend to believe that the measure of a man is determined by his degree of influence or the wealth he has. While these are certainly good indicators of one’s accomplishments, it shouldn’t be taken as everything. What is easy to forget is that the true measure of manhood lies in one’s willingness to rise by lifting others and being a true friend; a brother to someone when he or she needs it the most.

It is often said that if a man has one friend whom he can count on, he is blessed beyond measure. For a man to have a bond with someone such as that is incredibly unique; the kind who in good times and bad can always be counted on with a listening ear free of judgement; who tells you the truth in times when it isn’t always what you want to hear. Humans are social beings with an innate need to surround ourselves with people who bring out the best in us.

Yet, it seems that it can be challenging for some men to truly find, have, and keep that one friend with whom they can be themselves and communicate anything and share their innermost thoughts and feelings. As someone with significant physical challenges, I know how this can impact one’s wellbeing. I am also aware of the fact that it becomes all too easy for people to come to conclusions about others based on perception. So, I, like many other men, understand the temptation to put on a front of strength; one that tells the outside world that we can handle whatever life presents us with. The one that says, “I don’t need anyone’s help, I can do this alone.” Society idolizes the thought of being “self-made” …. but in reality, no one is self-made.

Understand that while our ability to endure and overcome is important, one of the ways in which we as men can do that is to find that one person in life we can be ourselves with. It’s OK to admit that sometimes life gets difficult. Having a brother is one of the most precious gifts that we can be given. Have you ever had that one person in your life who knows you better than you know yourself? Someone who is aware of all your flaws and loves you anyway? That one person who can, in an instant tear down the facade you’ve spent a lifetime building. If you do, take the opportunity to thank them for being in your life; if you haven’t found that person yet, I hope the thoughts that follow encourage you to find them,

For me that person is Mark Francis. Mark is one of those rare people who has the unique ability to meet people where they are in life; making it easy to confide in him. Mark is the one person in whom I confide everything; good, bad, or indifferent. I’m at my happiest when I’m sitting next to Mark deep in conversation as we solve life’s problems. He gets me to communicate on a level that no one ever has. It’s sort of like having an emotional washing machine; I tell him everything and whatever I say comes out well again. What I mean by that is that he is able to take what I tell him, reframe it, and by the time we’re through I have a completely new perspective on life. Sometimes we are so close to the situations in our lives that it becomes incredibly difficult to look at them in an enlightened mindset. That is why having a confidant is so important. They reframe the situation, giving and give us a fresh outlook.

That doesn’t mean that Mark (or true fiend) tells me only what I want to hear, quite the contrary. He tells me what I need to hear, in the moment I need to hear it. That is what makes our relationship so special. Whatever excuses, complaints, and frustrations, I give him, he takes it all. He doesn’t make the challenges disappear, but he makes the load easier to bear. Just knowing someone is to pick me up when I fall, or simply be present as random thoughts or fears come into mind.

In a world inundated with negativity, and that which our culture considers to be popular and “in vogue” people need an outlet which serves as a reminder of that which is truly real and positive. Mark is my outlet. I entrust the deepest parts of my thoughts to my best friend- my brother because he brings out those qualities in me which are a constant reminder of the goodness that exists in humanity. It helps too, that Mark knows the thoughts of my mind even before I think them. I count on his honesty and his knack for pulling me back from the brink on days when life becomes too much. A relationship such as that comes along once in a lifetime if we’re lucky. One that is just as honest as it is supportive-that is the hallmark of true brotherhood, an unbreakable indelible bond rooted in honesty, love, and mutual respect.

In order to have a brother, we have to be willing to be one. It’s easy for me to talk about the ways Mark is there for me when I need him. I can only hope that in some small measure I have returned the favor, by listening when he needs to talk, giving advice when asked, but above all just by physically being there so he knows he is not alone in that moment. So much time and energy has been expended by people who have been there in my times of need. I love the fact that I can use the skills I do have to be there for someone in theirs. Mark and I are always there when we need each other, both of us ready with advice, encouragement, and a willingness to be sincerely present in one another’s lives.

In the final analysis, life has less to do with how we as men make our mark and more with finding our Mark, and being one for someone in return. People like this are a rare gift; and while their value isn’t measured by any monetary or societal standing; it’s worth is far above anything this world affords. All we need to do is find them. We don’t have to look hard; finding them is easier than one might think; all that is required of us is a willingness to leave ourselves open to people and experiences, which can be life changing. The kind of people who love us for who we are, as we are, complete with our talents, frailties, and shortcomings, yet are able TO tell us the absolute truth necessary. They can come into our lives in unexpected ways. Mark is the brother of Scot Brewer, my favorite teacher in high school who practically raised me and taught me everything I know about being a good man. The most valuable gift Scot gave me is introducing me to his brother so that I might know what it means to have one.

The greatest measure of a man’s life is the extent to which he is willing to be there for his brother when they need him the most. That is what Mark brings to my life every day; and what brothers everywhere do for one other. This is the definition of a successful existence; to leave your “mark” by being one.

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This post was previously published on Medium.com.

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