Finding Yourself, Again

Losing yourself is a different kind of pain. It’s subtle and creeps its way into your life, and by the time you realize that something’s missing it feels as if its too late. Like there’s no going back because you’ll never find what’s gone missing.

It’s a lonely, frightening feeling. To feel as if you’ll never be you again. As if you’re too far gone.

I’ve felt this way, more than once, and so have others. Some of you reading could’ve felt this way before, and for those who haven’t felt this I hope you don’t. But if there comes a time where you do, I hope you remember this — that it’s not too late, and never will. You can always find yourself.

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I’ve lost myself more than once. While it’s hard to talk about something so personal I want to share the importance of acknowledging something that isn’t easy to accept. This is the first step to moving forward and making progress, and if you don’t acknowledge what’s wrong then you can’t accept it. If you can’t accept, then you can’t change or move forward. It’s a never-ending cycle and it can be painful and cruel, or maybe not.

No one knows what it’ll feel like for another person because each journey is different from person to person.

Mine was quiet and unknowing.

Waking up in the morning and struggling to get out of bed. Moving around the clutter throughout my home that seemed to grow everyday. Forgetting to eat and take care of myself, but always shrugging it off. Spacing out throughout the day. But even when my mind was in that headspace I got through my days, and I got what I needed to do done.

It was almost as if I completely shut down when I was home, but when I was out in the world I was just desperate to finish what was on my to-do list.

That was who I was for a long time. I was used to going through those motions. That was who I had become and it became my normal.

I had stopped doing things that I loved because I was so caught up in the things happening around me and giving parts of myself that I needed to keep. Rushing to grow up and handle things alone because I had always been independent. Deciding that working was more important than hobbies. Losing my love for reading and writing. Struggling to balance work and home life which eventually caused tension and arguments. Forgetting how to live my life and forgetting what was important to me. Forgetting who I was.

In the beginning, I had refused to admit that there was something wrong. I wanted to pretend that things were okay, that I was stronger than what was going on, and my pride got in the way. My fear contributed too because I was scared to admit that I had made mistakes. Scared to admit out loud that I didn’t have it all together and needed help, and that I didn’t know who I was anymore. I felt like it was too late.

Despite feeling like that I still reached out in my own time, when I had enough so I pushed myself to move, and the first step I took was acknowledging that something was wrong. That I needed help.

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Two things need to happen for someone to move forward. Acknowledge and accept — this is the first step. Nothing can be changed if it’s not acknowledged as something that needs to be.

This will be the first step that anyone needs to take in order to break the cycle they’re stuck in. Once someone is ready to acknowledge something is wrong, then they need to accept that they’re not okay or need help. From that point on everyone’s journey is different. Some journeys take much longer than others, and that’s okay. We all heal, process, and think differently.

If someone is moving faster than another, then it’s important to remember that that is normal and is completely fine.

Someone healing faster than another doesn’t mean that it’s too late for someone else. We cannot measure ourselves like that against someone else.

In our own time, we will be able to do these things. How long it takes depends on who needs this, and that’s okay. I’m reiterating that a lot throughout this article because it’s important to know that we cannot compare one’s progress against another when we’re on a journey to find and heal ourselves. It won’t help anyone. Not ourselves and not the people around us that we care for.

Again, this will all happen in each person’s individual time. It all depends on the person and when they are ready, but it starts with one person — the person who needs help. The person who feels lost or needs help and refuses to accept that.

This is a gentle reminder to everyone who feels that they’re not themselves that it’s not too late, never will be. A person will always be able to find themselves, but they have to be the first one to make a move. It hurts, it’s painful, and it can feel cruel but we have to choose ourselves when we need us. When ready, make the first step for yourself and bring yourself back when lost.

Choose to put yourself first and make yourself a priority. It’s not selfish, it’s necessary. — Keysha Jade

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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