Before meeting my husband, I explored the dating and relationship scene for many years.
There are no regrets; all the experiences helped me learn who I was, what I wanted, and what I didn’t want, and I didn’t settle for anything less than what I deserved.
However, the road to love was certainly not without some bumps and bruises.
As time passed, toxic qualities began to surface in my dates that I could quickly identify. Looking back, there were five key traits that all of my worst dates shared.
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They talked about themselves the entire time.
Dan sat across me after ordering a platter of sushi. At the time, I was a poor college student from a small town that had never tried sushi, but I was most certainly game.
That night I discovered sushi was my new favorite cuisine because I spent the entire time eating. Dan did not let me get a word in or ask me one question about myself. He revealed to me stories of his career, which was being a minor league baseball player. The parties, the travel, he went on and on, and I kept nodding, and if I started to ask a question, he would barrel over me.
After the date, I thanked him, and he texted me, saying that he had had a great time and couldn’t wait to see me again. I could have been anyone, and he would have had a great time because he technically really only went on a date with himself.
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The conversation turned into an angry rant about their ex.
A few months after moving to a new city, I went out with some girlfriends and met a guy, Steven. He seemed friendly and kind, and we went on several dates.
In the beginning, it was great, and we had a blast. It was on our third date; the conversation took a turn. For over an hour Steven began ranting about his ex-girlfriend. They had lived together; she broke his heart, was worthless and horrible, and he hated her so much the rage was evident across his face.
I asked for our waiter to bring the check shortly after, and there was no fourth date as he had some feelings remaining for his ex; whether that was love or hate, I wasn’t sticking around to find out.
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They were flashy with their finances.
Jess and I were on our second date. Things were going well; we had finished brunch and walked downtown, popping into random stores.
He was talking about different designer brands he had, and I was clueless about the majority of them (at that time in my life especially)
Jess began boasting about how much money he made, how much he could afford, and that he could take care of me.
Suddenly he randomly walked into a shoe store after asking my size and came out with a pair of uggs. I was uncomfortable and told him I couldn’t accept the gift, and he began to get mad, saying that I only dated trash and should get used to being spoiled. We didn’t go on a third date.
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There was no attraction/chemistry.
In my experience, neutral feelings towards someone can grow into an intense attraction based on varying factors.
However, sometimes that attraction isn’t there.
When I was seventeen, I had just broken up with my first love for the first time (that’s a story for another day), and my friends insisted that I give Caleb a chance.
Caleb had been a guy friend for several years, and he was so lovely to me, sweet, and funny. But… I wasn’t attracted to him at all. The thought of doing anything physical with him caused my stomach to turn.
However, I told myself I was shallow and went on a date with him. We were watching a movie, and he reached over and grabbed my hand… and I thought I was going to vomit. Caleb remained in the friend’s zone permanently.
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They assumed the date would lead to us getting physical.
Tom worked with my friends at a restaurant in our college town, and we were set up on a date.
After the date, Tom insisted on walking me home (we were downtown, and it was a small college town, so my house was right up the street), and I agreed because it was dark and we’d had a few drinks.
Once we were close to my front door, I thanked Tom for dinner and told him to have a good night. He started following me into the front part of my house, and I turned and stared at him. “I’m sorry, I’m not interested in anything physical; you need to leave.”
Tom smirked and pushed me against the wall, his hands on both shoulders and his breath on my neck. Then he said three words that make my skin crawl to this day. “You owe me.”
Thankfully the wall he had pushed me against was adjacent to my male roommate’s room, who came out because she heard the noise, and Tom got out as fast as he had come in.
Unfortunately, Tom wasn’t the only date that assumed things would get physical simply because he paid for dinner or a couple of drinks. As a reminder, a happy hour bill does not mean someone has the right to your body.
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Over the years, many bad dates, heartbreaks, good days, and wonderful ones turned into relationships.
Along the way, there were plenty of lessons that I learned. How to protect me, set expectations, and tell who was worth my time and who wasn’t.
Those bad dates were worth it, though, because they led me to the first date that would be my last. A simple mini-golf date that led into a late night with nothing physical, no expectations, and an attraction that grew from friendship into something more. That date ended up being with my husband.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Tom Parsons on Unsplash