Two month into quarantine, my household is just a few murders short of Tiger King status. Chaos reigns as our three-bedroom flat has been turned into Post WWII Germany, with small, sharp toys littering our carpeted wasteland. Last night I slipped on a half-used glue stick in the bathroom and cartoonishly fell to the tile floor, nearly shattering my cranium like a porcelain urn. Luckily, my son’s generously-stuffed Peppa Pig plushy was ready to break my fall. I never thought I’d say this … but I love that fat little pig.
If you are still feeding your kids fruits and vegetables at this point —you can burn in Hell. You probably are one of those people who posts smiling pictures of your family on Instagram despite the reality that you and your spouse are in a month-long blood feud that will devolve into a hand-to-hand combat any minute now. If you are living in reality, like me, and are searching for some quick and easy recipes to feed your kids, you’ve come to the right place.
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Honey Nut Cheerios A La Mode
WHAT YOU’LL NEED:
- Honey Nut Cheerios
- 1/2 Gallon of Milk
- Seven Heaping Scoops of any Flavor Ice Cream
- 1 Sparkler
- Lighter or Matches (for effect)
RECIPE:
Pour Honey Nut Cheerios along with milk into large bowl. Place seven heaping scoops of ice cream on top of Honey Nut Cheerios. Place sparkler into ice cream and light. Watch in amazement as your kids bow at your feet.
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Maple Syrup Cauliflower
WHAT YOU’LL NEED:
- 1 Head of Cauliflower
- Maple Syrup
- 3 tablespoons sea salt
RECIPE:
Pour a generous amount of maple syrup over raw cauliflower. Smother in salt. Serve on paper plate.
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Double-Stuff Oreo Bagel Delight
WHAT YOU’LL NEED:
- 4 Bagels
- 3 Sleeves of Doubled Stuff Oreos
- Half Pound of Philadelphia Cream Cheese
- Rainbow-colored sprinkles
RECIPE:
Toast bagel to desired level. Smear bagel with 1/2 pound of cream cheese. Gently arrange 8 Double-Stuff Oreos inside bagel, including one directly in the bagel hole. Playfully garnish with two handfuls of rainbow-colored sprinkles. Serve on slice of paper towel with a glass of whole milk.
Dry Tuna on White Plate
WHAT YOU’LL NEED:
- One Can Tuna in Fresh Water
- White Plate
RECIPE:
Open tuna can. Preferably, empty can of excess water into sink. If pressed for time, simply pour wet tuna on white plate. Serve with spoon.
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Sugar broccoli casserole
WHAT YOU’LL NEED:
- Six Heads of Broccoli
- Four Cups Heavy Cream
- Three Cups of Brown Sugar
- Three Cups of White Sugar
- Ten packets of Splenda
RECIPE:
Soak broccoli in heavy cream overnight. Mix brown sugar, white sugar and Splenda into one large mixing bowl. Remove broccoli and toss each head into sugar until fully coated. Arrange sugar-coated broccoli on baking tray and bake at 350F for 12 minutes. Rotate at the 6-minute mark. Serve will a side of a jelly doughnut or grape push-pop.
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Hope you enjoyed these recipes. My recommendation is to brush your child’s teeth immediately after consuming any of the above recipes. While you are at it, you may want to also limit serving these recipes to 1x per week as your child may develop diabetes, severe obesity, ADHD or other environmentally linked disorders when you eat like it’s your last day on earth.
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Previously published on “A Parent Is Born”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: Fredrick Gold (Author)
