Women can be commitment-phobes too. Here’s how to know if you should give up and move on.
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Okay, so we call this “commitment phobia,” and often claim it as our own and brush it off. But there is a deep root to true fear of commitment and attachment. And if you are looking for long term love in a partner who has these issues, you may be up against more than you realize. If your love interest does only one of these things, the relationship might be salvageable with some honest communication and some work from both of you. But if she does all of these things, you are in love with a very hurt, very defensive person and it is probably best to move on.
… if she does all of these things, you are in love with a very hurt, very defensive person and it is probably best to move on.
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One: She makes you feel small. When you’re with her, you don’t feel like the gooey marshmallow center of her s’more. She acts more excited, or interested, or affectionate, with a friend, or an acquaintance, or the bartender than she does you. Sometimes she casually scans the crowd while you’re talking to her. She body scans men that walk by (guys can be culprits of this too of course). You notice her locking eyes, even briefly, with strangers. She absolutely can’t break her yoga/spinning/crochet class schedule for the one rare thing that is important to you.
The theme is, she passively lets you know that you aren’t the center of her attention, even for the night or the moment. Something else lives at the center. (Of course, if it’s her kids, that’s totally different, and they are always going to be there so give that one up.)
Two: She has an adoring relationship with her phone. If what lives at the center instead of you is her phone, you have an obnoxious problem. We are all guilty in degrees of being distracted by our phones. But it’s a concern if she can’t put it away for dinner. And it’s a red flag if she is laughing at her phone but not sharing with you what it is that’s so damn funny on there.
This is another passive way of not being able to give her full attention to you for this moment in time. It is also her showing you, overtly, that she has a world you aren’t invited into.
Three: Okay this is an obvious no-brainer: She wants an “open” relationship. (If you do too, then you shouldn’t be reading this article, silly!) Other versions of avoiding exclusivity include, staying “open to possibilities,” saying she’s “not ready to commit,” or she’s a self-proclaimed “commitment-phobe,” so why do you keep pushing it?
She probably says she’s “staying open” because she has “trust issues.” If every single person in America over thirty would just tattoo “Trust Issues” in a lovely font across their foreheads it would make me so happy. We all have trust issues. When you say you have them, when you have the need to articulate that, it is essentially asking the question of your partner, “And what are you going to do about it?”
She’s telling you she doesn’t trust you. So help her trust you, or realize maybe helping her correct a painful past isn’t something you’re up for.
Four: This is so important I want to scream it. She gives you the “silent treatment.” Ignoring is not only extraordinarily immature — it is a flapping-in-the-wind red flag for problems in the past and problems down the road. Ignoring says, “When I’m hurt, I’m not even going to tell you why. I’m not even going to give you a chance, or the benefit of the doubt.” Ignoring is hurtful. Ignoring creates problems that weren’t there before the ignoring happened. It compounds hurt. If she ignores you, ever, I strongly recommend you tell her that you want a relationship without it. If she cares deeply about you, she can work on the ignoring. It is a learned behavior that can be changed. In a calm moment, she might let you know that when she was a kid someone she loved ignored her as punishment.
Five: The emotional connection you have with her during or right after sex is much more intense than any other time. Which is really amazing and who would want to give that up? Except that, it’s not. Because, the sex (I’m so sorry to tell you this) will inevitably release fewer endorphins in your sweet brain as time goes on. I know, you already knew that. That’s what happens as you run out of fancy tricks. Which, I’m not bashing. My point is, as the sex gets more … comfortable, there needs to be ways to maintain emotional closeness.
If someone lights up your world and is doing the five above things, or even two or three or four of them, she is hurting.
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In healthy couples this is achieved through sex and open conversation and shared interests and bungee jumping. If the best, closest, sweetest time you ever have is the sex and the rest doesn’t approximate that, something is off. We all need to feel deeply. When we use only sex to feel deeply, we are deeply afraid of those other ways of feeling deeply. Sad but true. Some very emotionally unavailable people make great lovers (I have heard.) If the woman you love has one fantastic way of loving deeply, she needs to expand her repertoire to include other things that lead to true emotional intimacy. If she can’t or won’t do this, you are probably with someone whose troubled waters run deep, and you need to stop holding your breath. Your compassion for her need not turn into self-sacrifice.
Don’t despair, grasshopper, warrior of love. If someone lights up your world and is doing the five above things, or even two or three or four of them, she is hurting. She has a long road to being healthy with a partner. Think really hard about if that is a road you want to journey down together. I’m probably older and wiser than you and I’ll just save you some agony and let you know: you don’t.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Absolutely spot on! Great article. The girl I was dating has serious hurt and trust issues which mean that she’s always looking for the next best thing. We were closest during sex and she forever had her eye on her phone.
When I was away she started online dating but denied it and accused me of sending her crazy with my suspicions. The whole thing changed me to a neurotic, suspicious crazy man and I am only beginning to find myself again.
You can’t ‘fix’ another person. As it says in the article, do both of you a favour…move on.