There are only three groups of males who would dare to wear a speedo-style bathing suit to the beach.

The first group is those men who actually have the kind of body that looks good in a pair of stretchy, skin-hugging underpants. This group comprises 0.000001% of the population, and I am not among them.

The second group, who seem happy to wear a speedo bathing suit to the beach, is made up of old, wrinkly men over the age of seventy.

And the third group who are happy to wear a speedo bathing suit to the beach are young boys under 10.

You may test this theory if you wish, but anyone who frequents the beach knows this to be true. All three groups have one thing in common — one distinct characteristic that makes them willing to expose that much of themselves to the general public.

Can you guess what it is?

Hmmm?

The answer is simple.

They don’t care how they look to others. Okay, so maybe the dudes with bodies that look good in Speedos care. But old men and young boys certainly don’t.

You see, young boys have not yet reached the age where they worry so much about what other people think of them. On the other hand, old men have gone past the age where they care about what other people think of them. Of course, not all old men achieve this level of freedom.

Pretending to be who we are not

Here’s the thing: Most of us live most of our lives covering up who we really are — pretending to be someone we are not in order to find acceptance and belonging. We spend the first half of our lives building for ourselves an identity that we believe will be palatable to the world. We construct a sense of self.

However, in order to be accepted by our communities, our families, our churches, and our culture, many of us arrived at that version of “self” by suppressing who we really are. The self we created is not who we really are or even who we want to be, and we live our lives through this lens — sometimes without even realizing that we are doing it.

When I was a teenager, all of my friends were into surfing. I was not, but I wanted to fit in. So, I bought “surfer” clothing brands and even purchased a bodyboard — which I never even came close to mastering. It just wasn’t me. In teenagers, this kind of behavior — where we act a certain way to feel like we belong — is obvious, but adults do it as well in more subtle ways.

We build our families, our fortunes, and our careers. We attempt to do all the things that we believe will make us look successful, following the well-worn path of Western individualism and the ‘self-made man.’ We use social media to shamelessly market our success to the world. We try to make it look like our lives are fun, interesting, happy, satisfying, and enviable so that people will think that we really have it made.

At some point, though, it becomes completely exhausting to keep up the charade. The cracks begin to appear in this image of self that we created, and the true self begins to poke through — most inconveniently. At first, we resist it because we see it as a threat to our identity. We conclude that if people knew what we were really like, they would surely reject us.

However, what we fail to realize is that if people do not accept us for who we really are, they are not worth having as friends. And, if people only love you for who you are NOT, then they don’t actually love the real you.

So, although it might seem odd to title an article “Five Steps to Becoming Who You Really Are,” that is exactly what many of us need. I do not write these to you as someone who has mastered the art of being myself but as someone who is on the journey. Here goes:

1. Stop caring about what other people think

Much of what we do in life is based on what other people will think of us. Sweat pants and slippers are extremely comfortable, but we don’t wear them outside the home.

Why?

Because we want to look good. Imagine, though, how much better your life would be if you stopped caring what other people thought of you. Sure, it’s easier said than done but maybe — just maybe — life would be easier if you relieved yourself of the obligation to measure up to someone else’s standards.

As for me, I grew up in the evangelical church world, where there were very clear expectations about what I could and couldn’t say, do and think. There were so many invisible and unspoken expectations placed on me by the church that it felt like, in every sense, self-expression was a cardinal sin. Conformity was the goal.

Consequently, many Christians feel that they are forced to pretend, repress, deny, or become a hypocrite because if people really knew what they were like, they would surely reject them. This perpetuates the very problem that harkens back to the Garden of Eden, where Adam and Eve felt they had to hide their nakedness from God. They believed that if God saw them fully, he would reject them outright.

But this is not exclusively a problem of religion or religious people. Many of us pick up our own version of Adam and Eve’s fig leaves to cover up who we are. Face it! Most of us care way too much about what others think of us without pausing to appreciate the irony that others care way too much about what we think of them. It’s madness.

Here is a good axiom by which to live your life: What other people think about you is none of your concern. It’s their problem.

2. Live in the moment

When you think back to who you were in the past, there is often a longing for what once was. I long to go back to when I was younger, but somehow take with me the wisdom I have now. It’s not going to happen.

When you worry about what you will be in the future, anxiety and worry will be your constant companions. I wonder if things will turn out how I hope. I wonder if my children will grow up happy and well-adjusted, if my good health will hold if my stocks will rise or fall, and when my hair will fall out.

You are not who you were in the past.

And you are not yet what you will be in the future.

So, make who you are NOW the primary focus of your life. After all, NOW is all you have. Those who live too much in the past or the future rarely experience peace.

As Eckhart Tolle says, “All negativity is caused by a denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry — all forms of fear — are caused by too much future and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past and not enough presence.”

I think he is right.

The past might give you an identity, and the future may hold the promise of some kind of salvation depending on what you believe, but life is only ever found in the NOW.

3. Resist victimhood

Carl Jung once said, “I am not what happened to me; I am what I choose to become.”

The sad reality is that most people do end up believing that they are what happened to them. Their level of self-worth or self-loathing is inextricably linked with their past — either their mistakes or their achievements — and, of course, how others view them in consequence.

Those who wallow in this way of thinking can become stuck in a kind of victim mentality. They end up constructing their entire identity around what has happened to them.

I have worked with many people who say they want to move on from past trauma but, at the same time, are actually frightened to move on because to move on from the past would be to leave behind the very identity on which they have built their lives.

Hey, you may have been through some really difficult things. But we cannot control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond. You are not what has happened to you.

4. Welcome ‘intruders’ as friends

When I think about myself and my inner voice, it strikes me that I seem to have not one inner voice but many. Sometimes they speak at the same time. Some of them contradict each other. Some of them speak the truth, and some of them seem to speak lies.

Am I possessed?

My younger evangelical self might have believed so. Some people in my church definitely would have. However, if we are honest with ourselves, we all understand that there is a narrative going on in our heads all the time. There are many voices that speak:

“You can’t do anything right!”

“Everyone is looking at you!”

“Don’t give up now!”

“You can do this!”

There are lots of voices going on. How am I supposed to know which voice is the voice? You know… the voice I am supposed to listen to. Some might call it the voice of the Spirit. Others might call it conscience, Let me explain with an analogy that I found helpful. Think of your inner life as a village with lots of different citizens who all wish to be heard. Perhaps, some of them seem wiser than others, but all of them are you. They all belong, and they all deserved to be loved.

I don’t know about you, but in my village, there is a jester who just wants to make light of everything. There is a scholar who wants all the answers. There is an irresponsible teenager who just wants to have fun. And there is a parent who scalds the teenager for not being more grown up.

Who lives in your village?

Does your own inner world have a harsh critic, an eternal optimist, a misunderstood artist, or even a jaded lover?

If your village is anything like my village, then there are certain characters that we despise. We rather wish that our village didn’t have that sulking little boy or girl. We can’t stand living with the bitter old man who is angry at how life turned out, the ill-tempered woman who constantly tells us we should be doing better, and the warrior in you who is always looking for a fight with others.

As for me, I have started sitting with each of the members of my village when they show up. In fact, here is what I have found helpful: Go away to a quiet place alone and tend to your village. Take a pen and a notebook with you. Make a list of all the different characters in your village. Notice which citizens you like and which you dislike. Get acquainted with them. Ask them how they came to be in your village. Ask them what they want. Ask them what they are afraid of. Ask them what brings them to life.

When the different members of your village show up in your life, welcome them as advisors, confidants, and friends. Enough of the self-condemnation! Since when did condemnation change anyone? Aren’t you sick of feeling condemned anyway? So, quit condemning yourself!

Does that mean that we allow certain members of our village that are less mature to run the whole town? Of course not! But it does mean that we sit with those characters in our village that we do not like. We listen to them, receive what they are saying without judging, and tell them they have been heard. Then we put our arm around them and say to them, “Don’t you worry. I love you, and we will get through this.”

5. Recognize your belovedness

How can you expect others to love you if you don’t even love yourself? Are you in the habit of placing expectations on others that you, yourself, refuse to meet?

Until you recognize your own belovedness — your intrinsic value — you will never be able to be you. You will also be trying to be someone else who you think is more lovable than you.

Here is the thing, though: Value is ascribed from the outside in. Anything that we consider valuable is only regarded as valuable because someone decided it was valuable. Why is gold valuable? Why not dirt? It’s because, for some reason, people decided that gold was valuable. Perhaps, it has something to do with how rare something is. Gold is rarer than dirt, so maybe that’s why we consider it more valuable.

So, let me ask you a question. How many of you are there?

Just the one.

So that makes you valuable because you are as rare as rare. But that’s not all. You have had value ascribed to you from without. Value has been given to you by others. Surely someone who knows you well has considered you worthy of love at some point in your life. Your parents? You partner? Siblings? Friends? Someone, surely!

And if not, perhaps you would indulge me long enough to suggest that there is a love that comes to you from the outside in. You may not hold it to be true, but as a Christian, that is what I believe. The most enduring and prolific metaphor used to describe God in the Bible is the image of him as a loving Father. If that is true, then his overwhelming feeling toward you is pure delight. That’s how I feel about my children, and I am far from a perfect father.

As Henri Nouwen says, “You must believe in the yes that comes back when you pray to God, “Do you love me?” You must choose this yes, even when you do not experience it.”

Learn to see you how God sees you.

You are valuable.

You are lovable.

Now, be you.

The death of who I’m not

When we stand before God someday — assuming this is what happens — He will not ask us why we weren’t more like our colleagues or competitors. He will not even ask, “Why weren’t you more like Jesus?”

No.

He will say, “Why weren’t you more like you? That’s who I made you to be.”

The world needs you — the real you.

So, let me leave you with this poem that I wrote as some food for thought:

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This post was previously published on Backyard Church.

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