Dan Scotti contests that there’s no real easy way to deal with being cheated on. But here are a few things you can take from the experience.
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Frankly, there’s no right way to cope with getting cheated on. It’s pretty traumatic for anyone — girl or guy — because, at the end of the day, heartbreak truly knows no gender.
While you may look for ways to cover up the pain, be it through drugs or booze, or even a phase of sexual promiscuity, deep down you know that you’re not okay. And lying to yourself really isn’t helping anyone. The thing is, I’m not really sure anything is going to help — at least not in the moment.
When you first hear that you got cheated on, you’ll probably feel three things: First, that beating thing in your chest — that was formerly coined “the heart” — will stop for a second before sinking down to your gut; second, your face will go numb, especially in the cheeks.
And lastly, you’ll feel like your brain is temporarily floating away.
After all this, you’ll snap back to reality and probably mutter something along the lines of “f*ck my life” under your breath. At that point, you’ll probably take yourself somewhere silent and deserted, so you can just marinate in it all.
And that’s where I’ll offer my first piece of advice.
Nothing is forever and nothing is indestructible.
When you assume things last forever, it’s human nature to start taking them for granted. This is why coping with death feels like one giant sucker punch. You don’t expect it.
Next to the untouched remains of your heart, your so called “life” is now in pieces on the ground. I guess you learned this the hard way, considering your relationship, self-assurance and ambition feel swept away.
Pick yourself up. Consider this the reality check you probably needed in your life anyway — not just your relationship.
When I was a kid, I never thought my grandparents would ever die. I mean, I didn’t think they were going to age like Dumbledore, either, but still. I guess I simply never considered the possibility of death or even something bad happening to someone I loved.
But when my grandpa passed away I cried like a baby — and I was almost 20. I took my grandparents for granted — not in a malicious or selfish way — just in the “ignorance is bliss” way. I learned from it, though. I understood how fragile relationships are and the importance of enjoying each day for what it is.
When you approach one day at a time, you won’t overlook the warning signs or pressure points that your relationship may have. You might’ve assumed your ex would love you forever and whatever trouble you both were caught up in would eventually blow over but remember, it might not.
Which makes my next point all the more important.
Love yourself, first.
Before ever searching for somebody else to love, make sure you love yourself first. Not in a narcissistic, egomaniacal way, but in a way where you’re not dependent on another person or just one other person.
Look, nothing lasts forever. While relationships are beautiful things, they can also be detrimental to your own independence and self-determination. When times are good, you’ll feel inclined to tell one another, “you’re my everything.” But when you discover that your “everything” has been sleeping around, you’ll find yourself with nothing. And you’ll feel worthless.
When you love yourself, though, the things you stand for and the rawest elements of what makes you, you, you’re able to see your own self-worth and not just the role of other people within your life.
Life is nothing more than a sequence of transitions. From infancy to childhood to adolescence to adulthood. From one love to the next — until you find the one that sticks. Like everything else, people come and go; sometimes without even a decent goodbye.
In the end, you’ll only have yourself to fall back on. In good times and bad, sickness and health. So love yourself first — before anyone else.
Don’t let your experience with one person change who you are or how you see everyone else.
After your girlfriend cheats on you it’s pretty normal to hold a temporary grudge against all women. If your boyfriend cheated on you, it’s not uncommon to assume all men are dishonest cheaters with only one intention: TO RUIN YOUR LIFE.
C’mon, breathe. The world is full of beautifully interesting people, not just clones of your cheating ex. Don’t let yourself become bitter with mankind just because of one person. Because if you don’t put yourself back out there, you’ll regret wasting the time you could’ve spent meeting someone new.
I know it’s tough, but forgive them.
Forgive, but don’t forget. Forgiveness is part of letting go. It’s no different from any argument you’ve had with your mom or spat with a best friend. Harboring a grudge or hatred can’t take away spoken words or rendered actions.
So accept them as they are; try to forgive and move on. It won’t make you a weak person. In fact, forgiveness is one of the most difficult things to do and although you won’t receive any badge of courage in return for forgiving someone who hurt you, you’ll reap the benefits of your own peace of mind.
Even after the darkest of storms, the sun still rises.
It’s a good analogy to keep somewhere close, when you feel everything start slipping. I firmly believe there are no purely “good” or “bad” experiences in life but rather pieces of a bigger puzzle.
Yesterday, you might’ve thought your ex would be your wife. Today, you don’t know f*cking anything anymore. But tomorrow, you might understand how an experience you once called “the worst of your life” led to some of your best.
I mentioned earlier how nothing will probably be able to help the way you feel in the moments after learning you’ve been cheated on — and I stand by that. Again, getting cheated on is a pretty traumatic experience. It’s one that you’ll probably wish — more than anything else — to just leave in the past. Don’t.
The pain eventually fades and by leaving experiences in the past, you won’t use them as references for the future. If you can’t see it now, keep the faith. Experience, of every nature, will only make you wiser.
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About the author
Dan Scotti is the Lifestyle Writer for Elite Daily. At Elite Daily, Dan’s coverage focuses on the ins-and-outs of daily life, as a young adult. Dan was born and raised in Long Island, New York. Dan is also interested in covering topics surrounding Stamford Bridge, Roland Garros, Bob Weir, and J Peterman. Dan is a graduate of Binghamton University. Join the tweetsyle movement @scottipippen
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This article originally appeared on Elite Daily.
Photo credit: Clara P. N. Araujo/flickr
Limpetgirl, Who says Heli is a girl?
Well, in my culture (the world of limpets) Heli is a shortened form of the girl’s name Helen or Helena, but I accept your point that it could actually be a boy. Or, as we are being as open minded as possible, it could be someone who identifies with either or neither gender. Either way, my advice is the same. That person who cheats does not love or respect you enough and you need to move on. I speak as someone who has been there… twice. I have not written about it in my blog yet, but I’m going to… Read more »
Here it is!
http://limpetgirl.blogspot.com/2014/09/surviving-infidelity.html
Utter tosh. I have read better advice in a fortune cookie. And Heli (who comments above) the only thing you need to know is that if he cheats on you he doesn’t love you or respect you enough. Break it off and move on. You might think you love him, but you need to give that love to yourself. You need it, he doesn’t.
Limpetgirl.blogspot.com
Heli that’s a very difficult path to walk; I’ve tried it. I lost so much weight and gained an anxiety and depression condition. It’s not one I recommend but when you love someone… I think it’s very, very important the person is doing everything they can to resume your trust – that forgives comes through a process and you’re not just slapping trust on an untrustworthy relationship. Love is about what you live in actions not just what you feel. So trust, in Oder to rebuild, requires some pretty heavy weight lifting on their part, are they prepared to so… Read more »
All that understood. But how to trust that person again without bringing up the past? What to do when u still love that person but are not able to forgive or forget?
^^^ when you find the answers to these questions please let me know. 🙁
I think what I learned is that love is not enough. It’s hard to say but love doesn’t conquer all but forgiveness is possible. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean, you stay and everything works out but you move on and forgive for your sake/sanity/well-being. But if you do stay, you both have to be committed to do very hard and extremely painful work to get to a better place. Therapy helped me a lot, we didn’t stay together because he couldn’t or wouldn’t do the hard emotional work required but I forgave him and moved on for my well-being. I still… Read more »
This was nice to read… I was cheated on for the first time a little over a year ago, and one thing that really struck me was how nonchalant everyone else seemed to act about it. I got a lot of “yeah, I’ve been cheated on, too,” and pretty much everyone was acting like it was no big deal and it happens all the time and made me feel like I was irrational for being so upset by it. It’s comforting to know that I’m not abnormal for feeling so crushed. Thanks.