Five Top Secrets You Should Never Tell Your Man

“For the thinking person it’s not how many words you use, but how few you use, up to and including using none.” ― Craig D. Lounsbrough

You know how you look back at your stupid twenties when you thought you knew all the ins and outs of relationships and no one could tell you a damn thing because, well, you knew everything.

Your mom saw right through your naiveté and wanted to smack sense into you, but you thought she was shady and wished she could keep her outdated advice where it belonged — in the old people’s club.

Well… mum gave me such advice once. Okay, many times, and most of it fell on deaf ears.

Anyway, her advice was something she wanted me to keep a secret from my then-husband — more on that in a moment.

When I look back now, I realize that she was right. Thanks, mum.

Over the years, I’ve learned that no matter if you think your relationship was made in heaven and delivered with a red ribbon tied around it, you can’t afford not to have secrets, babe. In fact, the more secrets you have, the more attractive you are to your man. Read on to find out why.

And because we’re all about becoming great women for the men we love, grab a seat and pull it closer so we can talk about secrets you should never ever tell your man.

Got your drink? Cool, let’s do this.

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1. How Much Money You Make.

Back when I was under the spell of young love, mum warned me against divulging details of my money and suggested that I stash away some cash for a rainy day. I was mortified. How dare you, mom? This isn’t the way to advise a young wife. What happened to transparency?

Well, the fact that I’m writing this is enough proof that mama’s advice fell on deaf ears. Oh, how I wish I’d paid attention. I was an open book. I explained how I spent my money and didn’t save a dime for myself. Needless to say, when the marriage crumbled, and I was left naked, clothed with nothing but shame, I had pretty much nothing in my account.

Try being heartbroken and broke at the same time. Worst combination. Ever.

Never make the same mistake babe, remember: Never reveal your earnings to your mister. If he insists? Give a ballpark figure. Always stash away some money. Your savings are your plan B. Only a fool fails to plan for a rainy day.

Think this is bad advice? Think again. In fact, this advice is more relevant now than when my mom gave it over a decade ago. Why? It’s no secret that men are likely to get hired more quickly than women.

According to the International Labor Organization, women have suffered a harsher blow from the Covid-19 pandemic, and only men’s employment is likely to recover this year to 2019 levels.

“Only 43.2 percent of the world’s working-age women will be employed in 2021, compared to 68.6 percent of working-age men,” — ILO.

Men keep their jobs longer than us; how can they not, when they don’t have to contend with the inconveniences of period pains or pregnancy? To add salt to injury, guys have always earned much more than us.

So, girl, when I say, keep your money to yourself, keep your money to yourself. Save and invest. You never know when a rainy day will come.

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2. The Secret That Produces Thorns.

Now tell me, what’s to be gained from explaining, expounding, and illustrating all the details of your past relationships? I ask because so many people throw this info around, not knowing they’re planting the seeds of a bad crop. Like cactus, for example.

Who grows cactus, by the way? A plant that only produces thorns?

Anyway, there’s a certain stage of a relationship when it feels safe to say pretty much anything because all you see are rainbows and roses.

But, let me burst your bubble and remind you that people change all the time. One day they’re a little fluffy kitten, next moment, they’re a lion that wants to rip you into shreds. The secrets you reveal about your past can very well be used as weapons against you.

Also, remember that your lover judges you based on what they see and their assumptions about you, so when you tell them about your past relationships, you start to influence how they see you. For instance, if you cheated, how easy do you think it’ll be for your partner to continue to trust you? Exactly.

Sure, not everyone is like this. There are partners who see you for who you are regardless of who you’ve been with in the past. But others can never get past your history and will extrapolate everything from your past.

Retroactive jealousy is a mean beast. It makes lovers jealous and insecure about who their partners have been attracted to in the past. It can become obsessive and show up in unhealthy or destructive ways. To be safe, keep your past where it belongs. In the past.

Obviously, if you’re dealing with a deeper, more complicated issue like rape or sexual trauma, you need to let your partner know. In fact, you owe them that because such problems linger beneath the surface for a long time only to pop up much later.

But other than that, keep your past relationship escapades’ in the past.

This doesn’t mean you’re to treat it like a sworn secret because this can arouse unnecessary suspicion. It just means using discretion and maintaining your dignity. Discretion is elegant. Never forget that.

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3. That Your Family Hates Him.

In a perfect world, we’d marry into families that love us. We’d go shopping with our mother’s-in-law. We’d play video games with our step kids and have coffee dates with our sisters-in-law. But that only happens on Mars.

Here on earth, life’s a whole lot different. There’s unacceptance, hatred, resentment, and a slew of other forms of discord. And yet, love still finds a way of sipping through it all.

Here’s the thing though, if your family is indifferent towards your spouse, it’s your job to protect them, and part of this is never to tell them what your family feels about them.

There’s information your lover doesn’t need to hear because it’s painful and hard to recover from. It also doesn’t benefit them in any way. In any case, it puts your lover always on their guard, looking for evidence or ways to protect themselves. Sure, you can’t change how your family feels about the person you love, but you can protect them from it.

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4. How You Feel Every. Single. Time.

Caveat: Not a secret per se. But still needs to be said.

Don’t you just admire women who can sit with an issue and let it simmer for a while before sharing it with their men? It’s classy.

The thing about emotions is that they’re transient. What you feel today will be replaced by something else tomorrow. This is precisely why you have to restrain yourself from saying what you think all the time.

The truth is, everyone is dealing with their own drama, and while there’s nothing wrong with offloading yours to your lover, I’ve found that mostly, issues have a way of sorting themselves out. If you sit with an issue for a couple of days, an idea tends to pop up. Other times, its sense of urgency wanes, and it becomes unimportant.

We weigh people down with concerns and problems that are easy to solve or plain useless. So babe, stop telling your man how you feel about every single thing. He doesn’t need to know that your colleagues had a tiff. Or that situation with your brother.

Classy women know there’s elegance in being discreet.

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5. That Sex With Dave Was Incredible.

What was that again? That sex with Dave was great.

Babe, are you trying to get divorced? You and I know these men we love so much have such fragile egos. Deep down, they’re little boys that need constant ego-stroking to feel good about themselves.

We often forget they’re so vulnerable with us that anything you say can land in a very dangerous spot, even if it’s not intentional.

So saying that sex with Dave was great or that he had some mean abs will only leave your dude feeling insecure. And girl, you’ve never seen anything as bad as an insecure man. He lashes out in the worst possible way and drags you down with him.

It’s not just men, though. When we’re insecure, we become hyperventilating drama queens who do not have a shred of femininity. Come on. You know what I mean.

The point is, never, ever, say you’ve had better sex with Dave or anyone. When you said yes to your man, you made your bed. Now figure out how to make it hot and spicy and let your past stay where it belongs.

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“Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings” ― David Sedaris

Something To Take Away.

Some women walk in the shadows. You never know what they’re up to because they move swiftly and privately in their affairs. They’ve got a particular mystery that men and women find attractive.

You can’t read them easily, and you always get the sense that they’re just like an iceberg — deeper beneath the surface. If you ever get a chance to have a heart-to-heart with such a high-value lady, observe them carefully, and you’ll see how secretive they are.

So, in addition to not telling your man these secrets, become a chick who moves in the shadows and keeps her business under wraps. There’s something intriguing and captivating about that.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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